Fashion inspiration of the day

Beyond enchanted and obsessed with Hannah Brown’s CMA dress

learning how to do eyeliner & other things I should already know how to do

My favorite season of the year has officially begun and with this the world gets nicer, cosier and I cling tighter to my loved ones.  Yesterday my best friend and I met by Colombus Circle to get hot chocolate and chai and walk around Central Park.  She had just been on a date there that didn’t lead to anything so she wanted to replace the association with a happy one.  We put our diamonds rings on our ring finger so people would leave us alone even though we are both very single. It was the perfect brisk but not shivery weather so it was lovely and calming.

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I did this eyeliner look because I’m trying okay.  I tried (in vain) in high school to learn how to do makeup but my high school bff was the queen of it and mine looked especially wonky right next to hers.  So I am trying again and it’s not as impossible as I hyped it up to be, it just takes me forever.

I really like how it came out and how I felt like a boss bitch. My hair was all the way slicked back and my makeup was all the way done and my hoops were on.  I’m usually self-conscious when my hair is back like this but because I had really put in the effort to my makeup and caked it on like there’s no tomorrow I felt powerful and confident.  We went to this really smelly and regular dive bar in the East Village and we met one of my friends and talked about our traumas over $4 beers.

It was a good time.

i hate barre class

I’ve tried but I’m not yet the type of person who likes to workout.  In fact, last night after I got out of work at 8pm I trudged myself to an 8:30 pm barre class and hated it.  I realized that they have a policy that your shirt has to cover your midriff which was unfortunate for me as the workout outfit I had brought with me to change into consisted of leggings and a sports bra.  So I decided to wear my outfit for the day with my sports bra underneath which was a flowy romper.  I stuck out completely being the only one not in the obvious uniform of Lululemon and more Lululemon and wearing a full blown outift (not at all moisture wicking!!!).  I was also the fattest there which is always a trip because I’m not fat I’m just curvy.  And I was also the least white which was strange and unnerving.  It just wasn’t my scene and also I weak af and that shit burns.
I felt empowered at first when I walked in 1) cause I was proud of myself for going to work out after the long-ass and hard day I had just endured and 2) because I was surrounded by beautiful women and there was something so sentimental about all of us getting stronger together, all of our weighted arms in the air and then down.

But that didn’t last long because those classes hurt and make me feel so weak.  I am so out of shape and apparently, that was something I had in common with … exactly no one in the room.  Only ten minutes in I was already thinking snarky bitter things like “I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life but at least I’ve never spent $100 on leggings before.”  Also they are always saying “tuck, tuck” which from what I can tell is a tiny thrust and I feel like I’m always doing it wrong and then I see my self in the mirror, feel incredibly ungraceful and want to laugh and then try to turn the urge to laugh into an ab workout.

Another thing I don’t like about this barre classe (Pure Barre) is it feels very unprivate and a bit dated.  I like spin classes (I feel like “spin class” sounds so annoying and pretentious) because a lot of the time you can feel alone if you try.  The more alone I feel in a workout class the less I compare myself to others and the less my self esteem tanks. They have cool lights which makes everyone look cool or they turn off the lights completely which I love.  At Pure Barre the lights feel very fluorescent and are on the whole time until the end.  A lot of times you’re direct across from someone (whose looking very strong and capable which is the opposite of how I’m feeling).  When I think of the aesthetic of Pure Barre studio it’s very beige and I think it would be so much better with lights that would bath the room in color. But I guess that wouldn’t be very pure lol.

The 2nd strange man I’ve hit in the last month

5 minutes ago I was walking to the subway from work to go to my hot yoga class listening to my favorite podcast in Spanish Radio Ambulante when I noticed a strange man barreling towards me. The two hours I had between two jobs were supposed to be sacred at at least tranquil. The man was screaming and then he was screaming at me and I took out my headphones and he got in my space and shoved me. I said “get the fuck away from me” and he didn’t. He screamed “pussy, cunt” and then I stopped yelling and instead smiled condescendingly at his face and said “look at yourself” and put an arm in stop signal between us. Then I walked away, heart beat loud and knife buried way too deep in my bag.

In my periferal while this happened I noticed a few men stop in their tracks and watch to make sure I had it under control to watch to see I wouldn’t get hurt. I took care of it and myself as I like to and have to and do. I started to walk away and then noticed there was a cop standing there and I told him what had happened and he said that he had seen it and that’s why he’d walked out of the building he was in (the hospital). He didn’t do anything though but give me a slight attitude for telling him what he had apparently seen and decided to to nothing about. Now I’m on the subway and I think I’m gonna be late to my class.

The first guy who I hit was a guy who saw a girl about my age on her bike and he was in his walking path. Instead of being normal or regular and walking around her he kicked her bike down. She fell in the middle of the street in front of the container store and I hit him in the shoulder. I cursed at him and he cursed back and walked away. The girl was shaken like I am now. Nerve endings shaking and heart breathing a little bit off sync probably.

There’s really no moral or point to this except that men are dangerous and I have impulse control issues. All the danger I’ve ever been in has been because of a male adversary. I just hope we’re all careful and that we don’t run into the wrong person.

the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend