balance

It’s my favorite month of the year and I’m a 21-year-old who has already met the love of her life and I live on my own.  I have a really good life and I am really really lucky.  But it’s still really challenging.  I work full time and I have 2 very consuming internships and my side hustle all while still trying to be a writer.  I feel like I’m rushing through life and I’m sad I haven’t slow danced with my boyfriend in a while.  I want time to smell flowers and revel in my life with Nick.  I have so many dates planned but I don’t have the money or the free days to actually spend on them.  By the time I get home from my day job it’s 8pm and I’m exhausted and instead of cooking dinner or watching This is Us with Nick (all I want in this life right now) I have to go to the computer and answer emails or go do a project and start working on that and then when I finish with that I’m so often too tired to do anything else except set the alarm and rest.  It’s not a good quality of life for me or him.  And he feels like he’s losing me.

I’ve been prioritizing the wrongs things.  I’m very ambitious and I am very hard working and those have not been good things lately.  To me, my family, novio and friends are the most important aspects of my life… I just wish my weekly calendar would show that more.  I am not good at not working and I am not good at managing my time,  I feel so deeply and (pressingly, and stressfully) that if I don’t work my ass off now while I’m young I will be poor forever and have to work this hard forever and it will be this consuming.  I’m scared I’m gonna be stuck in an apartment without my name on the lease and in credit card debt forever.  I’m scared I’ll never accomplish my goals and I’ll never be successful enough to be able to even have children.  I am the most scared I have ever been.

But what I am most scared about isn’t that.  I’m most scared I’ll lose Nick who is everything to me.  He’s the person I can talk to about anything and reason I believe in love and magic and people having a love of their life (and all my others if reincarnation is real).  Next month I am leaving the country for a business trip for three weeks and it will be the first time Nick and I are apart for this long.  I really hope that it makes us stronger and doesn’t break us.  I really hope that I find balance before then even though it’s less than a month away and people don’t often fix all their problems and find life balance in a month.  Here’s to trying and praying! lots of trying and praying.

Also if anyone has any advice on how they found balance with work and social life or how to get their life together please feel free to let me know!! Thank you 🙂

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