a day full of infuriation, exhaustion and also at least one good moment

Today has been a day.  My bra started cutting into me by the end and my leggings elastic was busted and I had to keep pulling them up all day.  Those things already had me wanting to scream.

I went to the eye doctor to hopefully have them fix the health issue that has been really bothering me for two years and I walked out of the Drs apt really optimistic that the end was in sight.  I have been literally crying (this is way beyond watery eyes) on and off for about 2 years now.  Lately, it is non stop which can so get in the way of life.  It’s gotten so bad my vision is usually really blurry from the water in my eyes and there’s no point in wearing makeup cause it streaks and drips off within an hour of application.  The Dr. was very professional, smart and treated me with respect (I’ve run into a lot of Dr’s who didn’t treat me with respect, unfortunately). She was also very young which made me jealous and had me feeling all types of ways.  I’m a college dropout (for financial reasons) so seeing people thriving and using those degrees makes me feel a little sad for myself (I really am such a petty selfish person lmao).  She asked if she could dilate my eyes and I said yes after being assured that 1) wouldn’t look crazy (“I work with kids”) and 2) that the blurriness would be over before.  As soon as it kicked in I couldn’t read words on my phone and everything close to me was to blurry to fully make out for 2hrs.  I looked crazy and my pupils were so huge (photo below) for half the day and the blurriness did linger longer than I would have liked.  I was worried that my boss would see and think that I was on some type of drug so I was lucky that I spent the first half of the day with just the kids.  They also took photos of the inside of my eyelids (she literally flipped my eyelids inside out and just thinking of the feeling makes me cringe).  She then asked me if I wanted to see said photos to which I politely declined.  They took some photos of the back of my eyelids with some bright lights and super expensive medical machines. She prescribed me two eye drops to take daily and I was on my way (to work).

I was happy thinking that the issue that had been making me want to scream for 2 years was now on its way to being fixed.  I had finally, finally stopped procrastinating it.  And I made plans to pick it up from my CVS after work.  Something off my to do list! Yay!

TURNS OUT, even though it was supposed to be covered by my insurance… it’s not.  And one of the eyedrops is $70 and the other is $40 ahahahaha.  I can not afford that right now.  I have too much credit card debt/toilet paper to buy/metro cards are expensive/we still have to eat.  So now tomorrow I have to call the doctors office ask if they have my correct insurance information and if so and they’re really not gonna cover it, ask if there are cheaper alternatives and look my to do list is growing.

Fast forward to the end of my day after the kids (quick recap: I’m a nanny to 4 kids) have been fed and showered and are all watching their pads before bed.  Cecelia was already in bed cause her bedtime is 15 mins before Charlie’s so hopefully she will be asleep before him and they won’t keep each other up. I walk around to check on the Charlie and Charlie had fallen asleep while watching his iPad.  He looked so peaceful and sweet so I immediately gave my self a pep talk about how I can get him into bed without waking him up (“you can do this, Tessa. Not only can you but you will cause you have to.”)  I picked him up and oh so gently and quietly carried him to bed.  He didn’t wake up and Cecelia was still awake so once I had gotten Charlie under the covers I turned to her and in my most serious and intense whisper I told her “Charlie is sleeping, don’t say a word.” Amazingly it worked and not a peep was heard from their room.  This was the best moment of my day.  My heart felt full and overflowing with love and I felt so deeply and truly blessed that this is my job (!!).  I really love these kids so much and I’ve only known them for a couple months.  It makes me so excited for when I have kids of my own and hope that I’ll be a good mother.  I know I won’t have a shortage of love for them.  I know that I’ll try my best to listen to them and to make sure they have everything they need.

Look how creepy I looked 😦

IMG_2107

This is my no I’m not an asshole wearing sunglasses inside my dr told me I have to cause my dilated pupils are really sensitive to light right now look.IMG_2073

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s