The Breakup & The Single Place

This was written in early February but I just realized I had never clicked publish and so now I am lol.

A few months ago I got out of an almost four-year relationship.  It was my first relationship.  It was real love and it was so much.  We met in college, the week I moved back to NYC from Upstate NY.  It was the first time that I felt affected by a person the second I saw them.  I told my best friend about him before we even talked, talking about the beautiful man with the green eyes.  We went to Texas together, to Martinique (my first vacation without my family), we tried tons of dollar pizza together and we were inseparable almost since we met.  I had imagined what our kids would look like and Pinterest boarded our wedding.

It wasn’t meant to be through and it ended after four years, two of which we lived together.  When we broke up we were living together which made it so hard and long, a break up that stayed with me every room I walked into. The week that we moved out of our apartment was the worst week of my life.  It was the biggest wedding of the season and when I got home after midnight I found out there was a fire in the apartment above ours and black water rained from the ceiling.  Everything smelled horrible and everything was stained black.  I had two friend visiting from out of town and we slept on wet couches that night because it was too late to get a hotel. That was also the same night that I found out that my uncle passed away.  We had to find somewhere new to live in about a week.  Our breakup was long and lived in and by the end nonsensical.  I couldn’t write it up if I tried and I couldn’t tell you why we broke up because it was a string of problems and moments.  By the end, we had been fighting and in truces and fighting again and I felt completely traumatized.  The break up seemed to be happening every minute of every day for weeks.

That week was hell.  By the time I found somewhere new to live I was done.  I was so over it and I felt such relief to be able to breathe alone.  There was no one to fight with.  There was no one to come home to besides me.  My twin bed felt big because it was all mine. My body and mind was the beginning and end of everything.  During the long and stressful break up I had felt so alone.  One of my best friends wasn’t present as she was going through her own stuff and my other best friend lived upstate.  My ex was not letting anything be peaceful and so in reaction to all the drama and pain we had been going through the past few months I shut off my feelings.  I am able to make myself numb when my life gets too painful and I flung my self into that empty limbo to try and have some rest.

The thing I learned about breakups is that they aren’t over when they’re over.  The feelings rush in and sway out like waves going in and out of the tide.  Every time I thought it was over and I was doing well, moving on something would come back and anger me or come back and make me remember something good.  I was not still, I was at the mercy of the waves of emotion that would smack the breath out of me.

The weirdest thing that I’ve been noticing now that I’m single is how big that word looms.  There seems to be a before and an after.  When I entered my first and only relationship I was just turning 18 and now when all has been said and done and said and done again I am 22 years old.  I used to be just myself and now I am Tessa 22 years old and Single.  I feel a certain pressure of being grown and alone. All the things that I wasn’t thinking about are now coming back as big black holes of problem.  The part of my brain that was focused on the relationship was much bigger than I thought it was. It was large and had tendrils in everything, like an octopus that was growing in my brain and an anaconda that was squeezing and suffocating me until it was all-consuming.  My thoughts were long monologues of stress for the future and the now, the future fights, and the current fights.  I was at work but I was text fighting my ex-boyfriend.  I was not feeling anything and then I was crying.  I’m now trying to build an island, a place so far inland that no waves can reach me and grab me back underwater.

I feel that I’ve been becoming an adult for so long and in that process for so many years and now that I’m finally an adult it feels jarring and sudden.  There are people my age who are parents and wives.  I am so many things and it all still does not seem to add up to any sort of stability.  I can’t tell you where I’ll be in five years though I can easily tell you where I want to be.  How to get there?  I haven’t the slightest clue.

Wrong bitch to hit with your cane :/

Y’all just finished cursing someone out. I stopped for one seconds for my asthmatic lungs to be ok and not think they’re dying after I walked out of the stairs of the subway. In this few second period of me huffing and puffing some crusty pervy looking 50 yr old man w a cane approached me and I couldn’t so I POLITELY said I’m sorry I have to catch my train and started to walk away and this man hit my ankle with his cane….. sheesh. I blacked on this man. I was just getting my breath back from the stairs (I’m the most ancient 22 yr old you ever did see) and used all that breath to unload on him. “You can not be hitting people with you mother fucking cane” and lots more heavily cursed words but I never remember what I said when I really curse someone out. For the first split second after he hit me he seemed to come forward and kept smiling a deranged smile and me but then I got louder and really committed to it and leaned all the way in in a way only anger management girls like me can and he didn’t get a word it and stopped moving.

I was having a really weird really hard really stressful day. I don’t know if my dads cancer is back or if he has diabetes and my employees keep trying to talk politics with me (which I think is really inappropriate) and I works 15 hours or something ridiculous (I’m too tired to do the math).

Belated February Favorites

Hi! I hope you had a lovely February she writes from a week plus into March.  My favorites of the month are late once again and I’m hoping to not make this a tradition this year.

Here were my favorite things this month:

The Metropolitan Museum of Art: This is my new favorite museum in the world.  It’s so glamorous and one of the great privileges of being a New Yorker is that you can pay whatever you want. My best friend and I went yesterday and paid one dollar each.  There’s so much marble and home decor (for when you’re extremely wealthy of course).  The architecture is unreal and there are lots of parts of the museum that are full of sunlight, statues, and columns.  It feels very dreamy and surreal.  Of course, it is now one of the many museums currently closed due to the virus.  Here’s some pics of me being annoying in front of beautiful art.

Cigarette pants: I’m not a big pant person because they’re super uncomfortable for me but cigarette pants are so chic and make me feel like a seductive femme fatale in an old movie.  I feel like cigarette pants are the most feminine pants and I have a very feminine style.

These are one of the rare things in this world that is worth more than it costs.  It’s so cheap smells so good and makes my skin feel out of this world soft when I’m done scrubbing myself down with it in the shower.  I love how many scents there are (my favorite is the mango).  I try to exfoliate once a week and I used to use coffee grinds and brown sugar but I realized I don’t want to smell like coffee all the time since I’m already always clutching my coffee like it’s the cure.

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Nightly refresh mouthwash: It makes my teeth feel so smooth and literally squeaky clean.

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Stress ease tea:  I like the cinnamon flavor best cause I find it to be the most comforting. It’s very soothing and I don’t know if it’s a placebo or not but my best friend and I were very sick and drank a very hot cup of this and felt a lot better the next day.

Dislikes:

Essie Gel Nail Polish: literally chipped the first day and then I tried again because I had read some good reviews of it online and it chipped right away once again.  It seems to be regular nail polish to me and not at all gel.

The fact that people have legitimately hoarded toilet paper???! And that most stores are out of it?? There are problems that us civilians have to deal with and some that we create, I don’t know why we had to create this problem smh.  I hate to see greed all around me in such an apparent and unnecessary way.