at this point maybe…. rough year?

I feel like I’ve written so many posts intitled hellmonth, rough week and more depressing stuff that it’s almost to the point of it being a rough year.  On the first day of 2018 I was with one of my best friends, one of my ex-best friends who is cousins with one of my best friends and my boyfriend.  My friend Nina is going to become a doctor without borders, my childhood friend is a musician as is my boyfriend and I am a writer.  We are all very ambitious people so naturally, we were all full of hope and the phrase “this is going to be our year.” I don’t know if this will be my year.  One the first day of the year it was grey and gloomy but we weren’t, we were young and vibrant.  We had so many things going for us and a whole year to put those things to work.  We went to the Whitney Museum and had salads for dinner.

It’s been another hard week.  My grandma is in the hospital and because of work I have not had a spare second to get up to Syracuse and see her.  And my uncle is one floor below her in the same hospital, admitted in the same week.  This is how these things go in my life, when it rains it pours.  I am going to missing a lot of my family’s birthdays for the first time ever.  I’m also the worst at stress management and have found myself smack in the middle of the #5 most stressful job in America (wedding planner) and wedding season seems never to end.  Every day off I think I have turns into a working from home day.  And I got a new job as a nanny (for four children) which I am so so very excited about (and so nervous for) but the transition to something new is proving really hard.  But God willing this job is more fulfilling and more meaningful and I am truly so excited for it.

What I’ve learned this year is that family is the most important thing.  It’s really a motto and a way I live my life now.  The older you get I think the more you look around and take note of whose there and whose not.  And family is always there and the friends that have always been there are now family.  I know who I love and I’ve already met the love of my life and I couldn’t be more certain about that.  I’m lucky to be so young and have certainty about things like that.  I’m only 20 and I already feel like I know who is going to be going through life with me.  That is such a blessing.  I hope I’m right.  A revelation like that would probably provide inner peace if I had time to reflect on things like that.  Lol.

More than anything I’m a writer and this year had been especially hard as a writer.  I’ve been inspired not often and often in inconvenient times.  I worry that I won’t ever be published again and I worry about never getting my perpetually 53 page book to 100.  I worry that I’m the only one that this is poetry too and I’m the only one who understands what it means.

I think it’s hard to be exhausted and ambitious and working for everyone but your self.  I think it’s hard to do those things that make you, You and make sure you remember who you are and who you love and to nurture both your relationships and your relationship with your self and your passions.  Maybe the hardest part of life is balancing it all.  Balancing what makes you have your will to live and what you actually have to do to live.  It’s hard. We’re all figuring it out in a very trial and error way.

more than just a working girl… or not

I got home today around 10pm after working not one but two jobs (one boring office job and then some manual labor).  I feel very grateful to be employed but it gets to a point where especially on nights like this when I get home and Nick is sleeping, I feel like I’m missing out on so much of the good stuff in life.  I’ve been working at least 50 house weekly and its crazy to realize that’s more than two days of the 7 day week in which I’m not operating on free will.  These are hours in which my time does not belong to me, it belongs to my employer and I don’t do what I want to do. I do what has to be done next and I play games with time, hoping that if I don’t look at the clock time will speed up.  I felt so much guilt when I walked into our house to find the lights off and Nick sleeping.  I felt shitty cause I hadn’t seen him all day and he’d wanted to do something but my cleaning job ran long (it was the largest apt I’d ever been in in NYC).  I also felt robbed because the only thing I was looking forward to today, spending time with Nick was gone.  I so badly wanted to wake him up and as I write this still do (it’s midnight) but that would be no bueno since he really needs his rest (also he looks like a peaceful greek god when he sleeps).  I still wanna wake him up though lol.

Tomorrow I leave straight from work to go upstate to work a wedding and I’ll be gone two nights which seems like a lot to me right now.  I love working weddings and I love cleaning but unfortunately, my wedding gigs are only paid internships at this point and my cleaning job is my side hoe of a job.  I love weddings cause you create something beautiful by working together with strangers and I love my cleaning gig cause it’s totally mine and I created it from nothing (even though at this point it’s barely more than nothing).  My maybe attainable dream is to be able to quit the soul-sucking job that is my 8-5 in which I sit in a very uncomfortable desk chair and file bankruptcy claims for 8 hours straight, looking at not one but two computers at all times.  Also my seat has just been moved from sitting next to a nice guy who hated this place too to sitting next to a man who literally started a fight cause another guy at our desk was yawning and he thought it was unprofessional (!).  I mean,… can you believe?! A supervisor had to be called and the yawning guy changed seats so now I’m sitting one empty chair from a crazy man who thinks yawning is unprofessional and now wants me to sit next to him (not in this lifetime).

The worst thing to do to your self when you hate your job yet are there all the time is to think about all the things you could be doing.  So course, this is the special brand of torture I inflict on myself.  I think about 1) all the dates I’m planning with Nick but may never get to go to cause I’m at the soul-sucking job 2) the poetry book I’ve been working on since middle school 3) panic out of nowhere that I’ve forgotten someone’s birthday 3) how dirty my room is and that when I get home I’m gonna be too tired (i.e lazy) to clean it and on and on it goes.  I have all these passions and projects that stay half started and not fully committed to for the longest time.  My heart lies in things I don’t have the time to give my full efforts to.

It really hurts that the love of my life and I fight about how much I work when I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum to feed myself and buy a metro card and not be homeless and then when I look at my bank account, it looks back at me wide-eyed as if to say “you think this amount is gonna stretch how far, keep dreaming sweetie.”  It’s crazy that I work so much it causes strain on relationships with my family and boyfriend and yet I don’t have savings and I am by all accounts broke.  It’s seems wrong to me that you can work 9 hours a day, 6 days a week and weekends and still be steadily scraping by.

On my lunch break I mindlessly scroll through Instagram.  Mine is full of travel bloggers and girls with brand collabs and money from something or other.  They’re more or less my age and they’re making money off a photo of them holding a protein shake.  I find it upsetting because it looks so easy what they’re doing and not time-consuming enough that they’re seemingly always on vacation.  I am stuck in a cycle of comparing myself to them, thinking toxic half thoughts like, “hmm, if I was blonde and with a booty would enough people like my thirst traps to get brands to want me to selfie up with their product and try to con my followers into using something that I got paid $100’s to pretend I use?”  I am constantly thinking of a way to get out of my cycle, working all the time to have enough and yet not having enough of the most precious thing; time with loved ones.  I am constantly working and then when I am not working I am straining to create a life outside of work that is a happy and healthy place.  I  wanna be someone who makes breakfast and puts a little aside for savings every month.  I want to be not struggling to juggle everything all the time.

I believe in the side hustle

Soo my day job (I work there 4 days a week for that stale minimum wage) pays less in 2 weeks than my glorious side hustle pays in one day. That hurts my heart. The problem is that I work my side hustle like once – three times a month. I’m just trying to work my little internship ass off until my boss falls in love w me + my impressive work ethic and wants me full time. Please and thank youu

Cross your fingers for me

the fridge broke and I’m screwed

I always get take out or deli food cause I’m lazy and I don’t know how to cook. But I’m trying to save money so Nick and I are trying to cook and go grocery shopping. We finally did and it was pretty triumphant. We were really proud and had been cooking (mostly different kinds of pasta cause that’s easy). But still. And then the fridge broke… it’s like a hot July day in there and less then 3 days after finally and successfully going grocery shopping all our groceries are rotten and the kitchen smells and $50 of my money was wasted. I’m so mad. And now we have to pay rent and hire some sort of fridge magician. I hate being an adult.