a day full of infuriation, exhaustion and also at least one good moment

Today has been a day.  My bra started cutting into me by the end and my leggings elastic was busted and I had to keep pulling them up all day.  Those things already had me wanting to scream.

I went to the eye doctor to hopefully have them fix the health issue that has been really bothering me for two years and I walked out of the Drs apt really optimistic that the end was in sight.  I have been literally crying (this is way beyond watery eyes) on and off for about 2 years now.  Lately, it is non stop which can so get in the way of life.  It’s gotten so bad my vision is usually really blurry from the water in my eyes and there’s no point in wearing makeup cause it streaks and drips off within an hour of application.  The Dr. was very professional, smart and treated me with respect (I’ve run into a lot of Dr’s who didn’t treat me with respect, unfortunately). She was also very young which made me jealous and had me feeling all types of ways.  I’m a college dropout (for financial reasons) so seeing people thriving and using those degrees makes me feel a little sad for myself (I really am such a petty selfish person lmao).  She asked if she could dilate my eyes and I said yes after being assured that 1) wouldn’t look crazy (“I work with kids”) and 2) that the blurriness would be over before.  As soon as it kicked in I couldn’t read words on my phone and everything close to me was to blurry to fully make out for 2hrs.  I looked crazy and my pupils were so huge (photo below) for half the day and the blurriness did linger longer than I would have liked.  I was worried that my boss would see and think that I was on some type of drug so I was lucky that I spent the first half of the day with just the kids.  They also took photos of the inside of my eyelids (she literally flipped my eyelids inside out and just thinking of the feeling makes me cringe).  She then asked me if I wanted to see said photos to which I politely declined.  They took some photos of the back of my eyelids with some bright lights and super expensive medical machines. She prescribed me two eye drops to take daily and I was on my way (to work).

I was happy thinking that the issue that had been making me want to scream for 2 years was now on its way to being fixed.  I had finally, finally stopped procrastinating it.  And I made plans to pick it up from my CVS after work.  Something off my to do list! Yay!

TURNS OUT, even though it was supposed to be covered by my insurance… it’s not.  And one of the eyedrops is $70 and the other is $40 ahahahaha.  I can not afford that right now.  I have too much credit card debt/toilet paper to buy/metro cards are expensive/we still have to eat.  So now tomorrow I have to call the doctors office ask if they have my correct insurance information and if so and they’re really not gonna cover it, ask if there are cheaper alternatives and look my to do list is growing.

Fast forward to the end of my day after the kids (quick recap: I’m a nanny to 4 kids) have been fed and showered and are all watching their pads before bed.  Cecelia was already in bed cause her bedtime is 15 mins before Charlie’s so hopefully she will be asleep before him and they won’t keep each other up. I walk around to check on the Charlie and Charlie had fallen asleep while watching his iPad.  He looked so peaceful and sweet so I immediately gave my self a pep talk about how I can get him into bed without waking him up (“you can do this, Tessa. Not only can you but you will cause you have to.”)  I picked him up and oh so gently and quietly carried him to bed.  He didn’t wake up and Cecelia was still awake so once I had gotten Charlie under the covers I turned to her and in my most serious and intense whisper I told her “Charlie is sleeping, don’t say a word.” Amazingly it worked and not a peep was heard from their room.  This was the best moment of my day.  My heart felt full and overflowing with love and I felt so deeply and truly blessed that this is my job (!!).  I really love these kids so much and I’ve only known them for a couple months.  It makes me so excited for when I have kids of my own and hope that I’ll be a good mother.  I know I won’t have a shortage of love for them.  I know that I’ll try my best to listen to them and to make sure they have everything they need.

Look how creepy I looked 😦

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This is my no I’m not an asshole wearing sunglasses inside my dr told me I have to cause my dilated pupils are really sensitive to light right now look.IMG_2073

stupidest thing i did today

Last night I worked a wedding with my best friend.  It was the hardest wedding I worked just cause I fucked up two times and was just so very over it and so very bad at my job.  Tiana slept over and I was so tired I slept in until almost 1pm this morning and by the time I woke up she was long gone.  She texted me that she had slam locked the door and out door doesn’t slam lock but I didn’t say anything cause I didn’t want to make her feel bad.  I was having a very slow morning (considering it wasn’t morning) and decided to check the mail to see if I had any checks waiting for me.  Because I’m a lovable idiot I usually don’t take my house keys when I go to check the mail cause our door doesn’t lock unless you lock it and I’m on the 1st floor so the mailbox is literally right there in the lobby.  So I went out in my PJ’s and checked the mail (also I had a check :)) and when I went to go back into my lovely cosy home it was locked.  So here I was standing in the hallway in my insanely big grey knit cardigan with crazy exhausted eyes and just my phone on me.  I texted my super but he responded that he would be at church until 5pm. I ended up taking an very expensive lyft to my boyfriends job (we works on a ferry boat).  So I just went to a dock and met one of his coworkers and got the keys from him and didn’t even get to see my novio.  I lost $50 and a few hours on my precious day off cause I don’t think things through.  Anyways the moral of the story is if your best friend says she slam locked the door she slam locked the door!!

the fridge broke and I’m screwed

I always get take out or deli food cause I’m lazy and I don’t know how to cook. But I’m trying to save money so Nick and I are trying to cook and go grocery shopping. We finally did and it was pretty triumphant. We were really proud and had been cooking (mostly different kinds of pasta cause that’s easy). But still. And then the fridge broke… it’s like a hot July day in there and less then 3 days after finally and successfully going grocery shopping all our groceries are rotten and the kitchen smells and $50 of my money was wasted. I’m so mad. And now we have to pay rent and hire some sort of fridge magician. I hate being an adult.

stupidest thing I did today

so i’m my favorite teriyaki sauce in the world is from Trader Joe’s but I don’t go to Trader Joe’s anymore cause I live in nyc and the lines are crazy and not worth it. I’ll just eat take out forever and never learn how to cook, thank you Very much. But when i went to visit my sweet family they surprised me and brought me it :’) when I was putting everything together I realized since I decided I wanted to go and buy lots of random stuff at Marshall’s as per usual I couldn’t fit everything in the bag I brought I found a random big paper bag and stuff all my extra stuff in there in including my beloved teriyaki sauce. And my family was like it’s gonna break, it’s gonna break and I was like nah it seems sturdy and whatever. So I got on the bus and got to port authority and walked to the Q train and got off at my stop and then as soon as I walked out of the station boom I heard something shatter and then teriyaki sauce was all over the side walk. My clothes and random Marshall’s purchases were now spilling out of the completely ruptured paper bag and I was like oh my fucking god. I could hear my family’s i told you so’s in my head. Thankfully I had also stuffed a sparkling water in that bag and so I spilled it over the gooey sauce now seeping of the sidewalk. I looked like a total mess – picking up glass and gathering clothes in my arms. But I finally stuffed all the stuff that was in the bag in my arms and the other cloth bags and left my dignity there with the sauce and walked the five blocks home.