the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

worth your $20: Bikini Edition

Listen, I’m a lazy fuck who forgets that birthdays are happening until they’re basically here and who doesn’t like to go shopping in actual stores cause it causes me duress and lots of stress so I get my bikinis from Amazon and hope for the best. I ordered two for my vacation to Martinique.  I love this one because it’s very vacationy and I love this shade of orange.  This top is very supportive and I love that the straps are adjustable. And high waisted bikinis are a lifestyle to me. This one is $16.99 and available for prime. The link is here.

Screenshot 2019-03-16 at 8.22.31 AMwhat it looks like on the internet

what it looks like on me (an unphotoshopped girl)

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The orange one was my favorite bikini I ordered.

This other one is very lovely as well, my only complaint is that after wearing it in the pool and the ocean for a few days the elastic in the top got a bit worn and it was looser on the top.  It was still really cute and made me feel like Brigitte Bardot in her white bikini.

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This bikini is my version of that with a little more coverage for my areas that need it lol.  The fabric is nice and thick. Here is the photo on the website. And this is the link.  It is $17.99 and available for prime.

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This is me in the bikini in real life on the beach 🙂

I hope that you have a vacation coming up soon and I hope you find a bikini that makes you feel gorgeous!

hello internet void

Hello internet,

I have not given up on this blog.  I just have been busy and prioritizing other things.  Good things are happening! Bad things are happening!  The internship that I had turned into a part time job, I’m trying to stay hydrated!  I’ve been procrastinating cleaning my room for weeks!  I’m still a nanny!  I have a week of this coming week for the first time in years!  I’m going on a vacation and it’s the first vacation that I’ve ever taken!  I’m so excited!  I’m so stressed financially!  I have been declined from 80 literary magazines on submittable!  I left my poetry journal in the children’s room of a library!  My rent doubled in price!  I got a really beautiful coat!  I am watching la casa de papel and it’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen in my life!

This is some of the things that are new!  I’m really gonna try to make this a real functioning blog!

That’s all.

If anyones reading this thats cool.

xoxo,

Tessa

a day full of infuriation, exhaustion and also at least one good moment

Today has been a day.  My bra started cutting into me by the end and my leggings elastic was busted and I had to keep pulling them up all day.  Those things already had me wanting to scream.

I went to the eye doctor to hopefully have them fix the health issue that has been really bothering me for two years and I walked out of the Drs apt really optimistic that the end was in sight.  I have been literally crying (this is way beyond watery eyes) on and off for about 2 years now.  Lately, it is non stop which can so get in the way of life.  It’s gotten so bad my vision is usually really blurry from the water in my eyes and there’s no point in wearing makeup cause it streaks and drips off within an hour of application.  The Dr. was very professional, smart and treated me with respect (I’ve run into a lot of Dr’s who didn’t treat me with respect, unfortunately). She was also very young which made me jealous and had me feeling all types of ways.  I’m a college dropout (for financial reasons) so seeing people thriving and using those degrees makes me feel a little sad for myself (I really am such a petty selfish person lmao).  She asked if she could dilate my eyes and I said yes after being assured that 1) wouldn’t look crazy (“I work with kids”) and 2) that the blurriness would be over before.  As soon as it kicked in I couldn’t read words on my phone and everything close to me was to blurry to fully make out for 2hrs.  I looked crazy and my pupils were so huge (photo below) for half the day and the blurriness did linger longer than I would have liked.  I was worried that my boss would see and think that I was on some type of drug so I was lucky that I spent the first half of the day with just the kids.  They also took photos of the inside of my eyelids (she literally flipped my eyelids inside out and just thinking of the feeling makes me cringe).  She then asked me if I wanted to see said photos to which I politely declined.  They took some photos of the back of my eyelids with some bright lights and super expensive medical machines. She prescribed me two eye drops to take daily and I was on my way (to work).

I was happy thinking that the issue that had been making me want to scream for 2 years was now on its way to being fixed.  I had finally, finally stopped procrastinating it.  And I made plans to pick it up from my CVS after work.  Something off my to do list! Yay!

TURNS OUT, even though it was supposed to be covered by my insurance… it’s not.  And one of the eyedrops is $70 and the other is $40 ahahahaha.  I can not afford that right now.  I have too much credit card debt/toilet paper to buy/metro cards are expensive/we still have to eat.  So now tomorrow I have to call the doctors office ask if they have my correct insurance information and if so and they’re really not gonna cover it, ask if there are cheaper alternatives and look my to do list is growing.

Fast forward to the end of my day after the kids (quick recap: I’m a nanny to 4 kids) have been fed and showered and are all watching their pads before bed.  Cecelia was already in bed cause her bedtime is 15 mins before Charlie’s so hopefully she will be asleep before him and they won’t keep each other up. I walk around to check on the Charlie and Charlie had fallen asleep while watching his iPad.  He looked so peaceful and sweet so I immediately gave my self a pep talk about how I can get him into bed without waking him up (“you can do this, Tessa. Not only can you but you will cause you have to.”)  I picked him up and oh so gently and quietly carried him to bed.  He didn’t wake up and Cecelia was still awake so once I had gotten Charlie under the covers I turned to her and in my most serious and intense whisper I told her “Charlie is sleeping, don’t say a word.” Amazingly it worked and not a peep was heard from their room.  This was the best moment of my day.  My heart felt full and overflowing with love and I felt so deeply and truly blessed that this is my job (!!).  I really love these kids so much and I’ve only known them for a couple months.  It makes me so excited for when I have kids of my own and hope that I’ll be a good mother.  I know I won’t have a shortage of love for them.  I know that I’ll try my best to listen to them and to make sure they have everything they need.

Look how creepy I looked 😦

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This is my no I’m not an asshole wearing sunglasses inside my dr told me I have to cause my dilated pupils are really sensitive to light right now look.IMG_2073

hi! talking about roommates & still not being able to cook

My roommate does not like coffee or pumpkin spice.  She walked in and I felt very bad cause she noticed the house smelled like pumpkin spice (actually it was salted caramel pumpkin but whatever) and we were brewing coffee which she absolutely detests.

I believe you really really need to sincerely and deeply love and adore the people you live with because though it’s all good and nice to be on your best behavior and such a home is a home is a house is a sanctuary and it should be your safe place.  Where you are safe to be 100% yourself even if that’s or wearing your pastel fluffy PJ pants with your chargers sweatshirt or leaving the dishes in the sink for a min.  You shouldn’t have to be living with someone who’s gonna resent you for that or be annoyed or talk shit behind your back.  It should be someone who already knows you’re like that and understands that that is what they have agreed to live with.

That’s why I’m super happy I live with my novio,  because he has seen my any and every which way.  Next month we will have been officially together for 2 years and for most of the time of those years I’ve been at least a little bit bedraggled.  And I still am loved and adored.  (It’s super scary how much we as women attach how we look to our worth but that’s a topic for a whole other angrier blog post).

Also I really want to learn how to cook and it was one of my new year’s resolutions for this year which has been totally neglected.  I tried for like two seconds and then gave up completely and I don’t know how y’all do it.  If you do know how to cook could you tell me how old you were when you learned?  I truly rarely ever cook thanks to living in New York City and being able to order food off my phone at literally any time (a blessing and a curse).  I’ve been told going grocery shopping and cooking your own meals (clearly a foreign idea to me) is significantly cheaper and if so teach me your ways cause every time I tried I dropped crazy money in the grocery store.  Also if you have any impressive and fairly easy to do recipes you want to drop in the comments that would be amazing.  Or inexpensive meals.

Anywaays…Thank you!

Puppy Heartbreak

On Tuesdays Nick and I usually go to the movies and we’ve discovered that there’s a puppy shop on the way there. The first time we went Nick picked out which puppy we were gonna play with and it was a Brussels griff and it was an insane fluff of a thing. He was adorable but a ball of 100% unrefined pure energy and was trying to attach us and the buttons on Nick’s shirt and my shoe laces and everything in sight at the same time. We loved him but he was the craziest creature we’ve met lol.

This time I picked out the puppy, a tiny Pomeranian. I’ve wanted a Pomeranian since middle school when I started begging my parents (for years, and years literally until I moved out). I did not get a Pomeranian but one year at Christmas I got a battery operated barking chihuahua stuffed animals…🙃. Anyway since I’m not a rich person and my apt does not allow dogs and I have a full time job and I live in nyc I can not get a dog. My dream is to get two Pomeranians and name them Mimosa and Bellini (Mimi and Bella for short) and once that dream comes true I’ll know that I’ve made it.

Until then we’ll continue to go to the puppy store on our way to the movies on Tuesday’s. Even though this last time really hurt. We really fell in love with the Pomeranian we played with. She was so sweet and fun and cuddly and we both just loved her so much and considered grabbing her and making a real run for it.

One day we will have our pups and our life together … one day.

at this point maybe…. rough year?

I feel like I’ve written so many posts intitled hellmonth, rough week and more depressing stuff that it’s almost to the point of it being a rough year.  On the first day of 2018 I was with one of my best friends, one of my ex-best friends who is cousins with one of my best friends and my boyfriend.  My friend Nina is going to become a doctor without borders, my childhood friend is a musician as is my boyfriend and I am a writer.  We are all very ambitious people so naturally, we were all full of hope and the phrase “this is going to be our year.” I don’t know if this will be my year.  One the first day of the year it was grey and gloomy but we weren’t, we were young and vibrant.  We had so many things going for us and a whole year to put those things to work.  We went to the Whitney Museum and had salads for dinner.

It’s been another hard week.  My grandma is in the hospital and because of work I have not had a spare second to get up to Syracuse and see her.  And my uncle is one floor below her in the same hospital, admitted in the same week.  This is how these things go in my life, when it rains it pours.  I am going to missing a lot of my family’s birthdays for the first time ever.  I’m also the worst at stress management and have found myself smack in the middle of the #5 most stressful job in America (wedding planner) and wedding season seems never to end.  Every day off I think I have turns into a working from home day.  And I got a new job as a nanny (for four children) which I am so so very excited about (and so nervous for) but the transition to something new is proving really hard.  But God willing this job is more fulfilling and more meaningful and I am truly so excited for it.

What I’ve learned this year is that family is the most important thing.  It’s really a motto and a way I live my life now.  The older you get I think the more you look around and take note of whose there and whose not.  And family is always there and the friends that have always been there are now family.  I know who I love and I’ve already met the love of my life and I couldn’t be more certain about that.  I’m lucky to be so young and have certainty about things like that.  I’m only 20 and I already feel like I know who is going to be going through life with me.  That is such a blessing.  I hope I’m right.  A revelation like that would probably provide inner peace if I had time to reflect on things like that.  Lol.

More than anything I’m a writer and this year had been especially hard as a writer.  I’ve been inspired not often and often in inconvenient times.  I worry that I won’t ever be published again and I worry about never getting my perpetually 53 page book to 100.  I worry that I’m the only one that this is poetry too and I’m the only one who understands what it means.

I think it’s hard to be exhausted and ambitious and working for everyone but your self.  I think it’s hard to do those things that make you, You and make sure you remember who you are and who you love and to nurture both your relationships and your relationship with your self and your passions.  Maybe the hardest part of life is balancing it all.  Balancing what makes you have your will to live and what you actually have to do to live.  It’s hard. We’re all figuring it out in a very trial and error way.

my shower song

What’s your shower song? Or no one is home song? All the way from middle school through high school I used to put on epic and extremely dramatic performances of Etta James I’d Rather Go Blind in the shower. It’s one of the most dramatic and desperate love songs so obviously I’m obsessed (also you get so sing baby baby baby with despair and that’s definitely an added bonus). She has the most soulful, sincere voice and every time I performed I literally felt like I was ready to give up my eyesight to save myself the pain from seeing my mans walk away from me with another woman (my 12 year old never been kissed self was feeling very betrayed during these solos). It’s still amazing to me how music and the goat’s like Etta James can make you feel so so much and make you an emotional mess even when you can’t relate in your real life.