balance

It’s my favorite month of the year and I’m a 21-year-old who has already met the love of her life and I live on my own.  I have a really good life and I am really really lucky.  But it’s still really challenging.  I work full time and I have 2 very consuming internships and my side hustle all while still trying to be a writer.  I feel like I’m rushing through life and I’m sad I haven’t slow danced with my boyfriend in a while.  I want time to smell flowers and revel in my life with Nick.  I have so many dates planned but I don’t have the money or the free days to actually spend on them.  By the time I get home from my day job it’s 8pm and I’m exhausted and instead of cooking dinner or watching This is Us with Nick (all I want in this life right now) I have to go to the computer and answer emails or go do a project and start working on that and then when I finish with that I’m so often too tired to do anything else except set the alarm and rest.  It’s not a good quality of life for me or him.  And he feels like he’s losing me.

I’ve been prioritizing the wrongs things.  I’m very ambitious and I am very hard working and those have not been good things lately.  To me, my family, novio and friends are the most important aspects of my life… I just wish my weekly calendar would show that more.  I am not good at not working and I am not good at managing my time,  I feel so deeply and (pressingly, and stressfully) that if I don’t work my ass off now while I’m young I will be poor forever and have to work this hard forever and it will be this consuming.  I’m scared I’m gonna be stuck in an apartment without my name on the lease and in credit card debt forever.  I’m scared I’ll never accomplish my goals and I’ll never be successful enough to be able to even have children.  I am the most scared I have ever been.

But what I am most scared about isn’t that.  I’m most scared I’ll lose Nick who is everything to me.  He’s the person I can talk to about anything and reason I believe in love and magic and people having a love of their life (and all my others if reincarnation is real).  Next month I am leaving the country for a business trip for three weeks and it will be the first time Nick and I are apart for this long.  I really hope that it makes us stronger and doesn’t break us.  I really hope that I find balance before then even though it’s less than a month away and people don’t often fix all their problems and find life balance in a month.  Here’s to trying and praying! lots of trying and praying.

Also if anyone has any advice on how they found balance with work and social life or how to get their life together please feel free to let me know!! Thank you 🙂

ahhh soul sucking job

Life’s rough when you truly detest and cringe every time your coworker who sits next to you tries to talk to you. He always tries to give me unsolicited advice and he is the person who got mad at someone for yawning (cause it’s unprofessional). He’s told me to go back to college, that I should try to sit with more diverse people (I have an assigned seat other wise I wouldn’t be sitting next to him smh), and continues to make me take out my earphones to say some dumb shit (just now he wanted to tell me how long my charger is) I KNOW DEJA ME EN PAZ. At my office job where I have to do the same thing over and over for 9 hours I just want to be left alone honestly. Peace and quiet is the ONLY perk of the job. I know I should be more zen and not detest people but it’s Hard. I’m still a petty person whose a little more grown than I wanted to be at 20.

twilight clouds

Some days are really hard. This day when I took this picture was. I was almost a week ago and I still feel so so tired from it. I really just want one day off to do nothing but watch tv and tinker with skin care. I’m so tired I feel sick. And I’m used to being tired, I only feel exhausted sick when everything area of my life is so exhausting. During this weekend I felt the best and the worst of emotions and I’ve been ravaged by emotion. Like I’ve been chained to the bottom of the ocean during a rain storm waves crashing around from all sides, on top and on bottom. I feel like that led zeppelin song when he says you shook me but not talking about sex or anything just life. It’s scary when there’s no haven even if it’s just for a moment everything felt broken and our of order and I felt really upside down and floaty. I can’t wait until I don’t have to always be working or always feeling guilty I’m not working. I feel pretty unsettled and unsure. Also these are my favorite types of clouds, the purple blue grey ones that can be any mood, that understand you and let you be low key and calm and let you silently hope for the best.