Y’all just finished cursing someone out. I stopped for one seconds for my asthmatic lungs to be ok and not think they’re dying after I walked out of the stairs of the subway. In this few second period of me huffing and puffing some crusty pervy looking 50 yr old man w a cane approached me and I couldn’t so I POLITELY said I’m sorry I have to catch my train and started to walk away and this man hit my ankle with his cane….. sheesh. I blacked on this man. I was just getting my breath back from the stairs (I’m the most ancient 22 yr old you ever did see) and used all that breath to unload on him. “You can not be hitting people with you mother fucking cane” and lots more heavily cursed words but I never remember what I said when I really curse someone out. For the first split second after he hit me he seemed to come forward and kept smiling a deranged smile and me but then I got louder and really committed to it and leaned all the way in in a way only anger management girls like me can and he didn’t get a word it and stopped moving.
I was having a really weird really hard really stressful day. I don’t know if my dads cancer is back or if he has diabetes and my employees keep trying to talk politics with me (which I think is really inappropriate) and I works 15 hours or something ridiculous (I’m too tired to do the math).
Hi internet void!
In December a bunch of the emotions I’d been gleefully and stoically suppressing started to demand I stop ignoring them! LOL was truly the most wonderful time of the year. In the year 2019 I went through a really painful break up the most painful and only one I’ve ever had. I am still processing it and working through the trauma and just intensity of it all. We were living together at the time and then had to go through a horrible fire, friends staying at our house to visit and of course, both of our individual resentments and mental issues clashing and it was pure stress and suffering. December was mourning and joy cause it was the first month I realized that everything ends and that was a pain and a relief for me.
I always look forward to the Christmas season though cause even if I’m truly going through it all the music and people tipping well and decorations cheer me up and keep me engaged and excited for every day of the year. Last December I was going through a red phase and wore 3 red outfits that I really loved. I was feeling really into red as it seemed to express my year and how I felt about it. I was in red hot love and everything felt very intense. Here they are:
- I wore this dress to go see the Rockefeller Tree with all my friends. We put some baileys in our coffee and then danced in some midtown overpriced bar after and demanded they play bachata. We got one song of it. This dress is light and breathable. I love that it comes with a belt because hourglass girls like me love to cinch our waists any time we get the chance.
- 3. This is probably my favorite look. I went to look in the Adika pop up in NYC because I have a pair of biking shorts I love from them. Most of the stuff was ordinary and too trendy for me but I instantly fell in love with this and had to have it as soon as I tried it on. I wore it to my dad’s holiday party and crowned myself in the top 5 best dressed. You can also wear it a bunch of sluttier ways but didn’t want to do that at my dads work party lol.
I’m 20 and still one of the best choices I’ve ever made was leaving my small home town as soon as I possibly could and never looking back and never returning.
I wish that we were more willing to accept and be open about being flawed. I wish we were just more honest and willing to own our mistakes and also that we make them all the time. I know I do everyday and I’m really flawed. I get angry out of nowhere and I have trouble ever forgiving anyone and I never forget any time any one has wronged me. I hold on to my anger and have difficulty letting it go. I don’t know how to be young and fun and I can’t not priotizing work because I’m so afraid of staying stagnant and being poor forever. I feel if I don’t work crazy hard now I’ll be in my thirties and still unable to support myself comfortably. And yet I’m working crazy hard and nothing is happening. I’m bad at keeping in touch and sometimes I go months with out talking to people who really matter to me. I’m a slob and I procrastinate everything even simple things like cleaning my own room and then I get home and the clutter in my room makes me unhappy. I feel like life goes so fast and I’m struggling to find the space between moments filled with task, I’m really looking to find my breath and it seems like I will not be able to have sometime to be myself and enjoy life really until October and it’s getting to be too much for me. My game plan until then is to do things after work (date nights, walks in the park etc.), and hydrate and commit to working out and try and not have my entire days being work and then sleep. It’s hard to practice self care when you’re consistently in a place of true and deep exhaustion. But I’m going to put my effort into that which for me is spending time with the people I love, leaving the house for things besides work, my skin care routine and other things that are rewarding, fulfilling and calming.
Complaining about jet lag is such a privileged thing to do.
I just wanna be the type of woman who has tights without runs in it.