Mask On

This is my angsty mask face. It’s been a long week. I got my teeth whitened (via Groupon, dumb I know) and they burned my younger and mouth so badly. The only plus side is that I got a face mask from the lady who whitened my teeth/assaulted my mouth. I have been trying to find some for a while but amazon is sold out and hardware stores are closed cause of Covid. I’ve been using for quite a few days now and disinfecting it but now that too seems gross. The next step is making my own out of paper towels. My best friend showed me a video of her uncle making a face mask out of nothing but string, a hole punch and stapler. So if I can find string and a stapler that will be my solution.
On the brighter side I’ve been a live in nanny in NJ for the past three days and tomorrow I get to go home!!! I can’t wait to be quarantined in my own space. Stay safe y’all!

Wrong bitch to hit with your cane :/

Y’all just finished cursing someone out. I stopped for one seconds for my asthmatic lungs to be ok and not think they’re dying after I walked out of the stairs of the subway. In this few second period of me huffing and puffing some crusty pervy looking 50 yr old man w a cane approached me and I couldn’t so I POLITELY said I’m sorry I have to catch my train and started to walk away and this man hit my ankle with his cane….. sheesh. I blacked on this man. I was just getting my breath back from the stairs (I’m the most ancient 22 yr old you ever did see) and used all that breath to unload on him. “You can not be hitting people with you mother fucking cane” and lots more heavily cursed words but I never remember what I said when I really curse someone out. For the first split second after he hit me he seemed to come forward and kept smiling a deranged smile and me but then I got louder and really committed to it and leaned all the way in in a way only anger management girls like me can and he didn’t get a word it and stopped moving.

I was having a really weird really hard really stressful day. I don’t know if my dads cancer is back or if he has diabetes and my employees keep trying to talk politics with me (which I think is really inappropriate) and I works 15 hours or something ridiculous (I’m too tired to do the math).

an emotional girl recommends red outfits

Hi internet void!

In December a bunch of the emotions I’d been gleefully and stoically suppressing started to demand I stop ignoring them! LOL was truly the most wonderful time of the year.  In the year 2019 I went through a really painful break up the most painful and only one I’ve ever had.  I am still processing it and working through the trauma and just intensity of it all.  We were living together at the time and then had to go through a horrible fire, friends staying at our house to visit and of course, both of our individual resentments and mental issues clashing and it was pure stress and suffering.  December was mourning and joy cause it was the first month I realized that everything ends and that was a pain and a relief for me.

I always look forward to the Christmas season though cause even if I’m truly going through it all the music and people tipping well and decorations cheer me up and keep me engaged and excited for every day of the year.  Last December I was going through a red phase and wore 3 red outfits that I really loved.  I was feeling really into red as it seemed to express my year and how I felt about it.  I was in red hot love and everything felt very intense. Here they are:

  1. I wore this dress to go see the Rockefeller Tree with all my friends. We put some baileys in our coffee and then danced in some midtown overpriced bar after and demanded they play bachata.  We got one song of it.   This dress is light and breathable.  I love that it comes with a belt because hourglass girls like me love to cinch our waists any time we get the chance.2. I wore this dress to see the neighborhood tree lighting with my best friend.  I made really delicious buttered apple cider and brought it there.  We got tons of nasty looks from insecure couples and from rude parents cause we didn’t have kids with us and we were taking flash photos of our beautiful selves 🙂  This was my first day wearing this dress and the rotweiler puppy I take care of decided to be a total dick and bit the side.  She made a 4 inch hole which I “fixed” with tape and a stapler cause I didn’t have time to go home and change after work and also I love the fit.  The dog still hasn’t apologized and I am still procrastinating sewing it.
  2. 3. This is probably my favorite look.  I went to look in the Adika pop up in NYC because I have a pair of biking shorts I love from them.  Most of the stuff was ordinary and too trendy for me but I instantly fell in love with this and had to have it as soon as I tried it on. I wore it to my dad’s holiday party and crowned myself in the top 5 best dressed. You can also wear it a bunch of sluttier ways but didn’t want to do that at my dads work party lol.

Links: The first dress is sold out.

2nd Dress

2rd outfit:

Pants

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humans are human

I wish that we were more willing to accept and be open about being flawed.  I wish we were just more honest and willing to own our mistakes and also that we make them all the time.  I know I do everyday and I’m really flawed.  I get angry out of nowhere and I have trouble ever forgiving anyone and I never forget any time any one has wronged me.  I hold on to my anger and have difficulty letting it go.  I don’t know how to be young and fun and I can’t not priotizing work because I’m so afraid of staying stagnant and being poor forever.  I feel if I don’t work crazy hard now I’ll be in my thirties and still unable to support myself comfortably.  And yet I’m working crazy hard and nothing is happening.  I’m bad at keeping in touch and sometimes I go months with out talking to people who really matter to me.  I’m a slob and I procrastinate everything even simple things like cleaning my own room and then I get home and the clutter in my room makes me unhappy.  I feel like life goes so fast and I’m struggling to find the space between moments filled with task, I’m really looking to find my breath and it seems like I will not be able to have sometime to be myself and enjoy life really until October and it’s getting to be too much for me.  My game plan until then is to do things after work (date nights, walks in the park etc.), and hydrate and commit to working out and try and not have my entire days being work and then sleep.  It’s hard to practice self care when you’re consistently in a place of true and deep exhaustion. But I’m going to put my effort into that which for me is spending time with the people I love, leaving the house for things besides work, my skin care routine and other things that are rewarding, fulfilling and calming.