Just once when I busted ass and fell on these concrete nyc streets just once I wish there would be a hot rom com lead to help me up and whisk me away. Just once
Hi, internet void,
(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem. My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work. I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too. I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.
Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again. I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not. But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be. Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly. So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?). And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?
I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass. Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.
your idiotic suffering internet friend
Today has been a day. My bra started cutting into me by the end and my leggings elastic was busted and I had to keep pulling them up all day. Those things already had me wanting to scream.
I went to the eye doctor to hopefully have them fix the health issue that has been really bothering me for two years and I walked out of the Drs apt really optimistic that the end was in sight. I have been literally crying (this is way beyond watery eyes) on and off for about 2 years now. Lately, it is non stop which can so get in the way of life. It’s gotten so bad my vision is usually really blurry from the water in my eyes and there’s no point in wearing makeup cause it streaks and drips off within an hour of application. The Dr. was very professional, smart and treated me with respect (I’ve run into a lot of Dr’s who didn’t treat me with respect, unfortunately). She was also very young which made me jealous and had me feeling all types of ways. I’m a college dropout (for financial reasons) so seeing people thriving and using those degrees makes me feel a little sad for myself (I really am such a petty selfish person lmao). She asked if she could dilate my eyes and I said yes after being assured that 1) wouldn’t look crazy (“I work with kids”) and 2) that the blurriness would be over before. As soon as it kicked in I couldn’t read words on my phone and everything close to me was to blurry to fully make out for 2hrs. I looked crazy and my pupils were so huge (photo below) for half the day and the blurriness did linger longer than I would have liked. I was worried that my boss would see and think that I was on some type of drug so I was lucky that I spent the first half of the day with just the kids. They also took photos of the inside of my eyelids (she literally flipped my eyelids inside out and just thinking of the feeling makes me cringe). She then asked me if I wanted to see said photos to which I politely declined. They took some photos of the back of my eyelids with some bright lights and super expensive medical machines. She prescribed me two eye drops to take daily and I was on my way (to work).
I was happy thinking that the issue that had been making me want to scream for 2 years was now on its way to being fixed. I had finally, finally stopped procrastinating it. And I made plans to pick it up from my CVS after work. Something off my to do list! Yay!
TURNS OUT, even though it was supposed to be covered by my insurance… it’s not. And one of the eyedrops is $70 and the other is $40 ahahahaha. I can not afford that right now. I have too much credit card debt/toilet paper to buy/metro cards are expensive/we still have to eat. So now tomorrow I have to call the doctors office ask if they have my correct insurance information and if so and they’re really not gonna cover it, ask if there are cheaper alternatives and look my to do list is growing.
Fast forward to the end of my day after the kids (quick recap: I’m a nanny to 4 kids) have been fed and showered and are all watching their pads before bed. Cecelia was already in bed cause her bedtime is 15 mins before Charlie’s so hopefully she will be asleep before him and they won’t keep each other up. I walk around to check on the Charlie and Charlie had fallen asleep while watching his iPad. He looked so peaceful and sweet so I immediately gave my self a pep talk about how I can get him into bed without waking him up (“you can do this, Tessa. Not only can you but you will cause you have to.”) I picked him up and oh so gently and quietly carried him to bed. He didn’t wake up and Cecelia was still awake so once I had gotten Charlie under the covers I turned to her and in my most serious and intense whisper I told her “Charlie is sleeping, don’t say a word.” Amazingly it worked and not a peep was heard from their room. This was the best moment of my day. My heart felt full and overflowing with love and I felt so deeply and truly blessed that this is my job (!!). I really love these kids so much and I’ve only known them for a couple months. It makes me so excited for when I have kids of my own and hope that I’ll be a good mother. I know I won’t have a shortage of love for them. I know that I’ll try my best to listen to them and to make sure they have everything they need.
Look how creepy I looked 😦
This is my no I’m not an asshole wearing sunglasses inside my dr told me I have to cause my dilated pupils are really sensitive to light right now look.
Last night I worked a wedding with my best friend. It was the hardest wedding I worked just cause I fucked up two times and was just so very over it and so very bad at my job. Tiana slept over and I was so tired I slept in until almost 1pm this morning and by the time I woke up she was long gone. She texted me that she had slam locked the door and out door doesn’t slam lock but I didn’t say anything cause I didn’t want to make her feel bad. I was having a very slow morning (considering it wasn’t morning) and decided to check the mail to see if I had any checks waiting for me. Because I’m a lovable idiot I usually don’t take my house keys when I go to check the mail cause our door doesn’t lock unless you lock it and I’m on the 1st floor so the mailbox is literally right there in the lobby. So I went out in my PJ’s and checked the mail (also I had a check :)) and when I went to go back into my lovely cosy home it was locked. So here I was standing in the hallway in my insanely big grey knit cardigan with crazy exhausted eyes and just my phone on me. I texted my super but he responded that he would be at church until 5pm. I ended up taking an very expensive lyft to my boyfriends job (we works on a ferry boat). So I just went to a dock and met one of his coworkers and got the keys from him and didn’t even get to see my novio. I lost $50 and a few hours on my precious day off cause I don’t think things through. Anyways the moral of the story is if your best friend says she slam locked the door she slam locked the door!!
I feel like I’ve written so many posts intitled hellmonth, rough week and more depressing stuff that it’s almost to the point of it being a rough year. On the first day of 2018 I was with one of my best friends, one of my ex-best friends who is cousins with one of my best friends and my boyfriend. My friend Nina is going to become a doctor without borders, my childhood friend is a musician as is my boyfriend and I am a writer. We are all very ambitious people so naturally, we were all full of hope and the phrase “this is going to be our year.” I don’t know if this will be my year. One the first day of the year it was grey and gloomy but we weren’t, we were young and vibrant. We had so many things going for us and a whole year to put those things to work. We went to the Whitney Museum and had salads for dinner.
It’s been another hard week. My grandma is in the hospital and because of work I have not had a spare second to get up to Syracuse and see her. And my uncle is one floor below her in the same hospital, admitted in the same week. This is how these things go in my life, when it rains it pours. I am going to missing a lot of my family’s birthdays for the first time ever. I’m also the worst at stress management and have found myself smack in the middle of the #5 most stressful job in America (wedding planner) and wedding season seems never to end. Every day off I think I have turns into a working from home day. And I got a new job as a nanny (for four children) which I am so so very excited about (and so nervous for) but the transition to something new is proving really hard. But God willing this job is more fulfilling and more meaningful and I am truly so excited for it.
What I’ve learned this year is that family is the most important thing. It’s really a motto and a way I live my life now. The older you get I think the more you look around and take note of whose there and whose not. And family is always there and the friends that have always been there are now family. I know who I love and I’ve already met the love of my life and I couldn’t be more certain about that. I’m lucky to be so young and have certainty about things like that. I’m only 20 and I already feel like I know who is going to be going through life with me. That is such a blessing. I hope I’m right. A revelation like that would probably provide inner peace if I had time to reflect on things like that. Lol.
More than anything I’m a writer and this year had been especially hard as a writer. I’ve been inspired not often and often in inconvenient times. I worry that I won’t ever be published again and I worry about never getting my perpetually 53 page book to 100. I worry that I’m the only one that this is poetry too and I’m the only one who understands what it means.
I think it’s hard to be exhausted and ambitious and working for everyone but your self. I think it’s hard to do those things that make you, You and make sure you remember who you are and who you love and to nurture both your relationships and your relationship with your self and your passions. Maybe the hardest part of life is balancing it all. Balancing what makes you have your will to live and what you actually have to do to live. It’s hard. We’re all figuring it out in a very trial and error way.
Lately I’ve been really suffering from anxiety and I’ve been trying to calm myself down and reassure myself that I’m ok, doing ok and not a complete failure. The things I’ve found that help are listening to beauty youtube videos at work (I love Tati and Carli) and drinking lots of tea and my favorite smoothie from my favorite restaurant. I don’t know why it’s back but I’ve been feeling like attacks of panic lately and I have a really busy schedule this month (that’s probably why lol) but I don’t have time for stuff like this so I have to take it in stride. What are the things that help you destress? I have a lot of things that do help (I even have whole lists in docs lol of the little things that make me happy in life) but I am having lots of trouble finding the time do to them. Also I’ve started going to the gym and everyone says (scientists included) that going to the gym helps with insomnia, can help with mental health issues, etc. etc. but for me rn it just a lot of physical pain. I’ve literally been limping and going up the stair at the subway is so painful. And as soon as I get out of the gym I’m just so so hungry (way more than usual). (Also yesterday I caved and had a burger and it was honestly everything in that moment and I have absolutely NO regrets about that, it was mouth watering). To be fair I literally have only worked out two days but I’m in so much pain and I haven’t seen any of the positives yet. I’m gonna keep it up though, and I know I’m such a baby for complaining. If you’re a gym person, when you first started working out how long did it take for you to stop being in pain? and how long did it take you to see results or positive side effects?
Life’s rough when you truly detest and cringe every time your coworker who sits next to you tries to talk to you. He always tries to give me unsolicited advice and he is the person who got mad at someone for yawning (cause it’s unprofessional). He’s told me to go back to college, that I should try to sit with more diverse people (I have an assigned seat other wise I wouldn’t be sitting next to him smh), and continues to make me take out my earphones to say some dumb shit (just now he wanted to tell me how long my charger is) I KNOW DEJA ME EN PAZ. At my office job where I have to do the same thing over and over for 9 hours I just want to be left alone honestly. Peace and quiet is the ONLY perk of the job. I know I should be more zen and not detest people but it’s Hard. I’m still a petty person whose a little more grown than I wanted to be at 20.