i hate barre class

I’ve tried but I’m not yet the type of person who likes to workout.  In fact, last night after I got out of work at 8pm I trudged myself to an 8:30 pm barre class and hated it.  I realized that they have a policy that your shirt has to cover your midriff which was unfortunate for me as the workout outfit I had brought with me to change into consisted of leggings and a sports bra.  So I decided to wear my outfit for the day with my sports bra underneath which was a flowy romper.  I stuck out completely being the only one not in the obvious uniform of Lululemon and more Lululemon and wearing a full blown outift (not at all moisture wicking!!!).  I was also the fattest there which is always a trip because I’m not fat I’m just curvy.  And I was also the least white which was strange and unnerving.  It just wasn’t my scene and also I weak af and that shit burns.
I felt empowered at first when I walked in 1) cause I was proud of myself for going to work out after the long-ass and hard day I had just endured and 2) because I was surrounded by beautiful women and there was something so sentimental about all of us getting stronger together, all of our weighted arms in the air and then down.

But that didn’t last long because those classes hurt and make me feel so weak.  I am so out of shape and apparently, that was something I had in common with … exactly no one in the room.  Only ten minutes in I was already thinking snarky bitter things like “I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life but at least I’ve never spent $100 on leggings before.”  Also they are always saying “tuck, tuck” which from what I can tell is a tiny thrust and I feel like I’m always doing it wrong and then I see my self in the mirror, feel incredibly ungraceful and want to laugh and then try to turn the urge to laugh into an ab workout.

Another thing I don’t like about this barre classe (Pure Barre) is it feels very unprivate and a bit dated.  I like spin classes (I feel like “spin class” sounds so annoying and pretentious) because a lot of the time you can feel alone if you try.  The more alone I feel in a workout class the less I compare myself to others and the less my self esteem tanks. They have cool lights which makes everyone look cool or they turn off the lights completely which I love.  At Pure Barre the lights feel very fluorescent and are on the whole time until the end.  A lot of times you’re direct across from someone (whose looking very strong and capable which is the opposite of how I’m feeling).  When I think of the aesthetic of Pure Barre studio it’s very beige and I think it would be so much better with lights that would bath the room in color. But I guess that wouldn’t be very pure lol.

I’m a nanny now.

I’m pretty happy right now.  I’m really hoping I’m out of my rut.  I have a job that I truly love and adore.  I get to take care of some really good and smart kids and it makes my heart happy.  It’s hard work and physically and sometimes emotionally taxing but it’s one of the only job’s I’ve gotten to do that is so so very worth it.  I’m the nanny to 4 children full time but it’s not too insane cause the mom is a stay at home mom so I’m not alone with all of the kids at once all the time.  It’s fun and rewarding and challenging and everything I’d want from a job and more.  We go to the park and the library a lot and I get to make dinner and read books and try to convince the kids not to go up slides and run into walls of the house with their baby strollers!  I really like the family and the mom and it makes me realize how much I do love people.  It’s making me hopeful about the future.  I really love my family and my friends and my novio and now I really love my job and I don’t know how to thank the universe enough.

ALSO every day it’s getting closer to Christmas!! It’s already less than 100 days.  I just love everything starting in October and ending in December (September is just pregaming for my happiest season for me).  I’m ready.

at this point maybe…. rough year?

I feel like I’ve written so many posts intitled hellmonth, rough week and more depressing stuff that it’s almost to the point of it being a rough year.  On the first day of 2018 I was with one of my best friends, one of my ex-best friends who is cousins with one of my best friends and my boyfriend.  My friend Nina is going to become a doctor without borders, my childhood friend is a musician as is my boyfriend and I am a writer.  We are all very ambitious people so naturally, we were all full of hope and the phrase “this is going to be our year.” I don’t know if this will be my year.  One the first day of the year it was grey and gloomy but we weren’t, we were young and vibrant.  We had so many things going for us and a whole year to put those things to work.  We went to the Whitney Museum and had salads for dinner.

It’s been another hard week.  My grandma is in the hospital and because of work I have not had a spare second to get up to Syracuse and see her.  And my uncle is one floor below her in the same hospital, admitted in the same week.  This is how these things go in my life, when it rains it pours.  I am going to missing a lot of my family’s birthdays for the first time ever.  I’m also the worst at stress management and have found myself smack in the middle of the #5 most stressful job in America (wedding planner) and wedding season seems never to end.  Every day off I think I have turns into a working from home day.  And I got a new job as a nanny (for four children) which I am so so very excited about (and so nervous for) but the transition to something new is proving really hard.  But God willing this job is more fulfilling and more meaningful and I am truly so excited for it.

What I’ve learned this year is that family is the most important thing.  It’s really a motto and a way I live my life now.  The older you get I think the more you look around and take note of whose there and whose not.  And family is always there and the friends that have always been there are now family.  I know who I love and I’ve already met the love of my life and I couldn’t be more certain about that.  I’m lucky to be so young and have certainty about things like that.  I’m only 20 and I already feel like I know who is going to be going through life with me.  That is such a blessing.  I hope I’m right.  A revelation like that would probably provide inner peace if I had time to reflect on things like that.  Lol.

More than anything I’m a writer and this year had been especially hard as a writer.  I’ve been inspired not often and often in inconvenient times.  I worry that I won’t ever be published again and I worry about never getting my perpetually 53 page book to 100.  I worry that I’m the only one that this is poetry too and I’m the only one who understands what it means.

I think it’s hard to be exhausted and ambitious and working for everyone but your self.  I think it’s hard to do those things that make you, You and make sure you remember who you are and who you love and to nurture both your relationships and your relationship with your self and your passions.  Maybe the hardest part of life is balancing it all.  Balancing what makes you have your will to live and what you actually have to do to live.  It’s hard. We’re all figuring it out in a very trial and error way.

a sporty look

Here’s me looking sporty at a diner. If ya know me you know 1) diners are my favorite thing 2) sneakers are not. But since I met and fell in love with my lavender sneakers and Nike got Colin Kaepernick as their ambassador and now I actually work out idk I’ve been feeling sportier than ever. Also I can’t wait for my self tanner to show up in the mail …🙃 I’m looking real pasty.

twilight clouds

Some days are really hard. This day when I took this picture was. I was almost a week ago and I still feel so so tired from it. I really just want one day off to do nothing but watch tv and tinker with skin care. I’m so tired I feel sick. And I’m used to being tired, I only feel exhausted sick when everything area of my life is so exhausting. During this weekend I felt the best and the worst of emotions and I’ve been ravaged by emotion. Like I’ve been chained to the bottom of the ocean during a rain storm waves crashing around from all sides, on top and on bottom. I feel like that led zeppelin song when he says you shook me but not talking about sex or anything just life. It’s scary when there’s no haven even if it’s just for a moment everything felt broken and our of order and I felt really upside down and floaty. I can’t wait until I don’t have to always be working or always feeling guilty I’m not working. I feel pretty unsettled and unsure. Also these are my favorite types of clouds, the purple blue grey ones that can be any mood, that understand you and let you be low key and calm and let you silently hope for the best.