1st day in Paris (+ self esteem issues!)

I’ve been to Paris before on a French Club trip where we got laughed at by all our french peers for trying to say some French words.  It was an unforgettable trip but mainly cause it was awkward and I was mostly friendless.  But also cause I saw Elton John and the Arctic Monkeys perform and ate really well.  Now I’m an assistant/wedding planner type thing and I still don’t know my place in the world or usually in the room but I’ve gotten myself to Paris and I’m getting paid for it so I guess that’s a win.

The wedding we’re working is much more than a wedding.  We are going to be in Paris for 6 days and there are 4 events (dinner parties mostly) and when we’re done here we go to level two, Antigua where we are going to do another 4 events.  It’s a lot and I’m very awkward and weirdly shy and nervous and I feel very incompetent.  I get really weird around people who are way way many millions richer than me and I almost forget how to be myself.  It’s not cute and I’ve tried to be more of a conversationalist and less down on myself during these work trips but I don’t think I’ve made any progress.  The ven diagram middle of things I have in common with these people is such a small sliver and I find it hard to talk to them.  I’m at least 10 years younger than everyone and I’ve didn’t go to college and this is not my career like it is theirs.  I’m trying to breathe and focus on the work at hand and try and make it out alive.  My boss is one of the most amazing and intelligent and capable people I’ve ever met so it’s really impressive to watch her work.  But for me and all my issues, this is a very stressful trip.  I hope to learn from her and be like her in my work life.

I think Paris is so beautiful (don’t we all) and it has this sort of airiness that New York doesn’t have.  Maybe my favorite thing about it here is that there are balconies everywhere and having a balcony has always been one of my dreams. There’s breathtaking architecture around every turn. This city clearly lends its self to dreams, especially dreams of grandeur.  It’s definitely expensive; the french onion soups we ate for lunch at a place that had a diner-y feel were 15 euro each and our cappuccinos were 8.  But in better weather, I would love nothing more than to wander around the city with my novio and have a picnic (i.e some bread, cheese and wine and us scattered on a blanket)

previously mentioned cappuccino & a very fancy hotel

a day full of infuriation, exhaustion and also at least one good moment

Today has been a day.  My bra started cutting into me by the end and my leggings elastic was busted and I had to keep pulling them up all day.  Those things already had me wanting to scream.

I went to the eye doctor to hopefully have them fix the health issue that has been really bothering me for two years and I walked out of the Drs apt really optimistic that the end was in sight.  I have been literally crying (this is way beyond watery eyes) on and off for about 2 years now.  Lately, it is non stop which can so get in the way of life.  It’s gotten so bad my vision is usually really blurry from the water in my eyes and there’s no point in wearing makeup cause it streaks and drips off within an hour of application.  The Dr. was very professional, smart and treated me with respect (I’ve run into a lot of Dr’s who didn’t treat me with respect, unfortunately). She was also very young which made me jealous and had me feeling all types of ways.  I’m a college dropout (for financial reasons) so seeing people thriving and using those degrees makes me feel a little sad for myself (I really am such a petty selfish person lmao).  She asked if she could dilate my eyes and I said yes after being assured that 1) wouldn’t look crazy (“I work with kids”) and 2) that the blurriness would be over before.  As soon as it kicked in I couldn’t read words on my phone and everything close to me was to blurry to fully make out for 2hrs.  I looked crazy and my pupils were so huge (photo below) for half the day and the blurriness did linger longer than I would have liked.  I was worried that my boss would see and think that I was on some type of drug so I was lucky that I spent the first half of the day with just the kids.  They also took photos of the inside of my eyelids (she literally flipped my eyelids inside out and just thinking of the feeling makes me cringe).  She then asked me if I wanted to see said photos to which I politely declined.  They took some photos of the back of my eyelids with some bright lights and super expensive medical machines. She prescribed me two eye drops to take daily and I was on my way (to work).

I was happy thinking that the issue that had been making me want to scream for 2 years was now on its way to being fixed.  I had finally, finally stopped procrastinating it.  And I made plans to pick it up from my CVS after work.  Something off my to do list! Yay!

TURNS OUT, even though it was supposed to be covered by my insurance… it’s not.  And one of the eyedrops is $70 and the other is $40 ahahahaha.  I can not afford that right now.  I have too much credit card debt/toilet paper to buy/metro cards are expensive/we still have to eat.  So now tomorrow I have to call the doctors office ask if they have my correct insurance information and if so and they’re really not gonna cover it, ask if there are cheaper alternatives and look my to do list is growing.

Fast forward to the end of my day after the kids (quick recap: I’m a nanny to 4 kids) have been fed and showered and are all watching their pads before bed.  Cecelia was already in bed cause her bedtime is 15 mins before Charlie’s so hopefully she will be asleep before him and they won’t keep each other up. I walk around to check on the Charlie and Charlie had fallen asleep while watching his iPad.  He looked so peaceful and sweet so I immediately gave my self a pep talk about how I can get him into bed without waking him up (“you can do this, Tessa. Not only can you but you will cause you have to.”)  I picked him up and oh so gently and quietly carried him to bed.  He didn’t wake up and Cecelia was still awake so once I had gotten Charlie under the covers I turned to her and in my most serious and intense whisper I told her “Charlie is sleeping, don’t say a word.” Amazingly it worked and not a peep was heard from their room.  This was the best moment of my day.  My heart felt full and overflowing with love and I felt so deeply and truly blessed that this is my job (!!).  I really love these kids so much and I’ve only known them for a couple months.  It makes me so excited for when I have kids of my own and hope that I’ll be a good mother.  I know I won’t have a shortage of love for them.  I know that I’ll try my best to listen to them and to make sure they have everything they need.

Look how creepy I looked 😦

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This is my no I’m not an asshole wearing sunglasses inside my dr told me I have to cause my dilated pupils are really sensitive to light right now look.IMG_2073

hi! talking about roommates & still not being able to cook

My roommate does not like coffee or pumpkin spice.  She walked in and I felt very bad cause she noticed the house smelled like pumpkin spice (actually it was salted caramel pumpkin but whatever) and we were brewing coffee which she absolutely detests.

I believe you really really need to sincerely and deeply love and adore the people you live with because though it’s all good and nice to be on your best behavior and such a home is a home is a house is a sanctuary and it should be your safe place.  Where you are safe to be 100% yourself even if that’s or wearing your pastel fluffy PJ pants with your chargers sweatshirt or leaving the dishes in the sink for a min.  You shouldn’t have to be living with someone who’s gonna resent you for that or be annoyed or talk shit behind your back.  It should be someone who already knows you’re like that and understands that that is what they have agreed to live with.

That’s why I’m super happy I live with my novio,  because he has seen my any and every which way.  Next month we will have been officially together for 2 years and for most of the time of those years I’ve been at least a little bit bedraggled.  And I still am loved and adored.  (It’s super scary how much we as women attach how we look to our worth but that’s a topic for a whole other angrier blog post).

Also I really want to learn how to cook and it was one of my new year’s resolutions for this year which has been totally neglected.  I tried for like two seconds and then gave up completely and I don’t know how y’all do it.  If you do know how to cook could you tell me how old you were when you learned?  I truly rarely ever cook thanks to living in New York City and being able to order food off my phone at literally any time (a blessing and a curse).  I’ve been told going grocery shopping and cooking your own meals (clearly a foreign idea to me) is significantly cheaper and if so teach me your ways cause every time I tried I dropped crazy money in the grocery store.  Also if you have any impressive and fairly easy to do recipes you want to drop in the comments that would be amazing.  Or inexpensive meals.

Anywaays…Thank you!

Puppy Heartbreak

On Tuesdays Nick and I usually go to the movies and we’ve discovered that there’s a puppy shop on the way there. The first time we went Nick picked out which puppy we were gonna play with and it was a Brussels griff and it was an insane fluff of a thing. He was adorable but a ball of 100% unrefined pure energy and was trying to attach us and the buttons on Nick’s shirt and my shoe laces and everything in sight at the same time. We loved him but he was the craziest creature we’ve met lol.

This time I picked out the puppy, a tiny Pomeranian. I’ve wanted a Pomeranian since middle school when I started begging my parents (for years, and years literally until I moved out). I did not get a Pomeranian but one year at Christmas I got a battery operated barking chihuahua stuffed animals…🙃. Anyway since I’m not a rich person and my apt does not allow dogs and I have a full time job and I live in nyc I can not get a dog. My dream is to get two Pomeranians and name them Mimosa and Bellini (Mimi and Bella for short) and once that dream comes true I’ll know that I’ve made it.

Until then we’ll continue to go to the puppy store on our way to the movies on Tuesday’s. Even though this last time really hurt. We really fell in love with the Pomeranian we played with. She was so sweet and fun and cuddly and we both just loved her so much and considered grabbing her and making a real run for it.

One day we will have our pups and our life together … one day.

favorite restaurant

This time around the waiter was not feeling me and my (very loud) family and had no patience with me describing what I usually get since I couldn’t find it on the menu.  Frida, her best friend Hannah, and I all got mango lassi’s which my own sister turns out to like (!) and Hannah is a vegan lol.  So I was very happy because I got three mango lassi’s.  There’s no AC in there and between the combo of tons of Christmas lights and hot thick Indian food we were sweaty and miserable.  It’s definitely a better experience at night time.

I’m a nanny now.

I’m pretty happy right now.  I’m really hoping I’m out of my rut.  I have a job that I truly love and adore.  I get to take care of some really good and smart kids and it makes my heart happy.  It’s hard work and physically and sometimes emotionally taxing but it’s one of the only job’s I’ve gotten to do that is so so very worth it.  I’m the nanny to 4 children full time but it’s not too insane cause the mom is a stay at home mom so I’m not alone with all of the kids at once all the time.  It’s fun and rewarding and challenging and everything I’d want from a job and more.  We go to the park and the library a lot and I get to make dinner and read books and try to convince the kids not to go up slides and run into walls of the house with their baby strollers!  I really like the family and the mom and it makes me realize how much I do love people.  It’s making me hopeful about the future.  I really love my family and my friends and my novio and now I really love my job and I don’t know how to thank the universe enough.

ALSO every day it’s getting closer to Christmas!! It’s already less than 100 days.  I just love everything starting in October and ending in December (September is just pregaming for my happiest season for me).  I’m ready.

i voted

I’m really glad I did too cause all my candidates lost … clearly they needed and I would have been really mad at myself if I didn’t come out. I forgot to re register my new address when i moved to Brooklyn so I had to go all the way to harem to vote which was actually very nostalgic for me cause the the last time I was in the neighborhood Obama was our president

Please vote if you can.

I think that especially now voting is extremely important.  It’s one of the only ways we can retain our power as American citizens when if feels like so much has happened with out our consent, that the face of our country has turned grotesque and monstrous.  While everyone who can vote hopefully votes, lets not shame the people who can not because they can’t afford to miss a day of work or are too sick etc.  Life is hard and you have to do what you have to do. Thus far in life I think that’s the closest thing I have to a motto.  Also the Ariana Grande song breathin in which the chorus is “just keep breathing and breathing, and breathing and breathing” that’s my other motto.  So far I’ve been lucky enough to only miss one election and that was because of work and that’s a reality for many more people than me.  I hope one day at least presidential elections will be a mandatory day off for everyone so we’re all on the same page and heading to the polls together.  Election day in NYC is tomorrow and I’ve been so busy that as of right now I am completely uneducated as to who’s running and who I am going to vote for.  Tonight after work I’m going to sit down with my laptop and research and figure it out.  I’m not going to vote unless I feel like I know what I’m doing and have made an educated decision.  Anyway I hope you can run out to the polls tomorrow New Yorkers and I also hope you are well rested.