Quarantine, cashier life & pinatas

Hi! I am the worst at having a blog.

My life has changed drastically just like literally all of ours.  I usually work three jobs, my main job is a full-time nanny and then I have my cleaning business and I work as an assistant wedding planner.  Of course, all three of these jobs stopped existing in the face of this pandemic and for a very terrifying week, I was unemployed.  Then I sat down at my kitchen table with a coffee or cocktail (it was my one week of unemployment to be fair) and applied to every single job that I thought might take a college drop out like me.  I also dmed a few grocery stores because I thought they might be hiring asap and that was how I got the job of a cashier and the most expensive grocery store in the west village.  This is a place that charges $8 for a brick of cafe bustelo and there’s a tomato sauce that costs $12.99 (shout out to Rao’s for apparently being THAT good).  Of course, the pay minimum wage but I don’t have the type of savings that would allow for me to be unemployed for more than a week so I took the job.

My nannying job pays $25 an hour so the price drop has been a lot for me to deal with.  It’s also been hard not knowing when/if my job will return.  My nanny family moved from the west village to their beach house in New Jersey.  At the beginning of the virus, they wanted me to travel there and stay for three days of the week and then go home.  I did this for two weeks and then I had to stop because it felt very dangerous for an asthmatic like me to be traveling on the subway and the train all the time during a very deadly virus.  The day I traveled home from NJ for the last time a stay in place order was issued and I couldn’t have been happier to be in home sweet Brooklyn and not NJ.

The grocery store job is as soul-sucking as you’d imagine.  No one grows up saying they want to be a cashier and even if they did they’d take one look at the paycheck and change their mind.  Most of my co-workers are nice.  Some of them are snappy or up tight but it’s cause they’re miserable and I don’t blame them.  When I’m at that job I’m miserable too. It’s hard to go through eight hours having the same stunted interactions with people.  I ask the same questions to every person.  “Hello, how are you? Do you have a store card? Do you want bags? Would you like to donate a bundle or milk to COVID relief?”  The store I work for is doing a fundraiser for City Harvest which is well-intentioned but it’s so horrible to have to ask people for money during this time.  They’ll say no and then pull out their ebt card and you feel like such a dick for asking them for money to feed other people when they’re struggling too.  I always wish the store it’s self would donate money and leave their customers out of it.

Today was a good day though because I am trying to enjoy my life and make the very best of it all.  At work in my shitty work uniform and same pair of black sneakers, I try to bring myself to the register as well by doing my makeup like I would and never coming to work in my uniform.  I keep my polyester work shirt in my store locker and change into it at the last second so that I can feel like myself for as long as possible.  Today was also a good day because I got out at 12:45 pm and when I walked out of the sliding doors the sun was shining and the birds were screaming their little snow-white heads off.  I went home and fixed myself a drink (my new favorite: sunny d + lime juice + tequila + tajin) and got a facetime from an unknown number hung up on them.  I then immediately realized it was a facetime interview I had scheduled for that time.  I called her back and tried my best to show that I’m a very qualified hardworking nanny that’s good at what she does.

The highlight of my day was making a pinata.  My family and I used to do this many times a year.  We’d make them for my sisters and i’s birthday parties.  I was out of practice but doing it brought back so many warm memories of happier and more than anything brighter easier times.  The smell of the flour and water and feeling of the paste drying on my fingers was therapeutic.  The biggest part of me wishes I had the money and privilege to be fully quarantined and staying home during this time.  I would love to have the time to do all the wild and rather mundane fantasies I’ve had during my life of what I would do if I had time to figure out what I wanted to do.  While sliding the wet pieces of newspaper on to the balloon, I was so focused on getting the job done that I wasn’t thinking about how I was going to make rent, about savings, about food and all the ways I am falling short.  I was just focusing on this task that I had chosen to set in front of me not a bouquet of problems that was thrust into my face.  It was nice to reach out to my childhood in this simple and fun way and to even if just for a half-hour, to think about something different.

Now I have to wait a few days until this first layer of paper mache fully dries and then I’ll add a second layer.  Then I’ll stop being cheap and pull the trigger and buy some paint.  And then the hardest part for me comes.  Trying to be artistic and painting something on it.

Question:  Are you the type of person with enough patience for puzzles?

I for sure, am not.

Also, have you done any arts and crafts during the pandemic?  I would love to hear what you’ve been making 🙂

hello internet void

Hello internet,

I have not given up on this blog.  I just have been busy and prioritizing other things.  Good things are happening! Bad things are happening!  The internship that I had turned into a part time job, I’m trying to stay hydrated!  I’ve been procrastinating cleaning my room for weeks!  I’m still a nanny!  I have a week of this coming week for the first time in years!  I’m going on a vacation and it’s the first vacation that I’ve ever taken!  I’m so excited!  I’m so stressed financially!  I have been declined from 80 literary magazines on submittable!  I left my poetry journal in the children’s room of a library!  My rent doubled in price!  I got a really beautiful coat!  I am watching la casa de papel and it’s one of the best shows I’ve ever seen in my life!

This is some of the things that are new!  I’m really gonna try to make this a real functioning blog!

That’s all.

If anyones reading this thats cool.

xoxo,

Tessa

at this point maybe…. rough year?

I feel like I’ve written so many posts intitled hellmonth, rough week and more depressing stuff that it’s almost to the point of it being a rough year.  On the first day of 2018 I was with one of my best friends, one of my ex-best friends who is cousins with one of my best friends and my boyfriend.  My friend Nina is going to become a doctor without borders, my childhood friend is a musician as is my boyfriend and I am a writer.  We are all very ambitious people so naturally, we were all full of hope and the phrase “this is going to be our year.” I don’t know if this will be my year.  One the first day of the year it was grey and gloomy but we weren’t, we were young and vibrant.  We had so many things going for us and a whole year to put those things to work.  We went to the Whitney Museum and had salads for dinner.

It’s been another hard week.  My grandma is in the hospital and because of work I have not had a spare second to get up to Syracuse and see her.  And my uncle is one floor below her in the same hospital, admitted in the same week.  This is how these things go in my life, when it rains it pours.  I am going to missing a lot of my family’s birthdays for the first time ever.  I’m also the worst at stress management and have found myself smack in the middle of the #5 most stressful job in America (wedding planner) and wedding season seems never to end.  Every day off I think I have turns into a working from home day.  And I got a new job as a nanny (for four children) which I am so so very excited about (and so nervous for) but the transition to something new is proving really hard.  But God willing this job is more fulfilling and more meaningful and I am truly so excited for it.

What I’ve learned this year is that family is the most important thing.  It’s really a motto and a way I live my life now.  The older you get I think the more you look around and take note of whose there and whose not.  And family is always there and the friends that have always been there are now family.  I know who I love and I’ve already met the love of my life and I couldn’t be more certain about that.  I’m lucky to be so young and have certainty about things like that.  I’m only 20 and I already feel like I know who is going to be going through life with me.  That is such a blessing.  I hope I’m right.  A revelation like that would probably provide inner peace if I had time to reflect on things like that.  Lol.

More than anything I’m a writer and this year had been especially hard as a writer.  I’ve been inspired not often and often in inconvenient times.  I worry that I won’t ever be published again and I worry about never getting my perpetually 53 page book to 100.  I worry that I’m the only one that this is poetry too and I’m the only one who understands what it means.

I think it’s hard to be exhausted and ambitious and working for everyone but your self.  I think it’s hard to do those things that make you, You and make sure you remember who you are and who you love and to nurture both your relationships and your relationship with your self and your passions.  Maybe the hardest part of life is balancing it all.  Balancing what makes you have your will to live and what you actually have to do to live.  It’s hard. We’re all figuring it out in a very trial and error way.

ahhh soul sucking job

Life’s rough when you truly detest and cringe every time your coworker who sits next to you tries to talk to you. He always tries to give me unsolicited advice and he is the person who got mad at someone for yawning (cause it’s unprofessional). He’s told me to go back to college, that I should try to sit with more diverse people (I have an assigned seat other wise I wouldn’t be sitting next to him smh), and continues to make me take out my earphones to say some dumb shit (just now he wanted to tell me how long my charger is) I KNOW DEJA ME EN PAZ. At my office job where I have to do the same thing over and over for 9 hours I just want to be left alone honestly. Peace and quiet is the ONLY perk of the job. I know I should be more zen and not detest people but it’s Hard. I’m still a petty person whose a little more grown than I wanted to be at 20.