an emotional girl recommends red outfits

Hi internet void!

In December a bunch of the emotions I’d been gleefully and stoically suppressing started to demand I stop ignoring them! LOL was truly the most wonderful time of the year.  In the year 2019 I went through a really painful break up the most painful and only one I’ve ever had.  I am still processing it and working through the trauma and just intensity of it all.  We were living together at the time and then had to go through a horrible fire, friends staying at our house to visit and of course, both of our individual resentments and mental issues clashing and it was pure stress and suffering.  December was mourning and joy cause it was the first month I realized that everything ends and that was a pain and a relief for me.

I always look forward to the Christmas season though cause even if I’m truly going through it all the music and people tipping well and decorations cheer me up and keep me engaged and excited for every day of the year.  Last December I was going through a red phase and wore 3 red outfits that I really loved.  I was feeling really into red as it seemed to express my year and how I felt about it.  I was in red hot love and everything felt very intense. Here they are:

  1. I wore this dress to go see the Rockefeller Tree with all my friends. We put some baileys in our coffee and then danced in some midtown overpriced bar after and demanded they play bachata.  We got one song of it.   This dress is light and breathable.  I love that it comes with a belt because hourglass girls like me love to cinch our waists any time we get the chance.2. I wore this dress to see the neighborhood tree lighting with my best friend.  I made really delicious buttered apple cider and brought it there.  We got tons of nasty looks from insecure couples and from rude parents cause we didn’t have kids with us and we were taking flash photos of our beautiful selves 🙂  This was my first day wearing this dress and the rotweiler puppy I take care of decided to be a total dick and bit the side.  She made a 4 inch hole which I “fixed” with tape and a stapler cause I didn’t have time to go home and change after work and also I love the fit.  The dog still hasn’t apologized and I am still procrastinating sewing it.
  2. 3. This is probably my favorite look.  I went to look in the Adika pop up in NYC because I have a pair of biking shorts I love from them.  Most of the stuff was ordinary and too trendy for me but I instantly fell in love with this and had to have it as soon as I tried it on. I wore it to my dad’s holiday party and crowned myself in the top 5 best dressed. You can also wear it a bunch of sluttier ways but didn’t want to do that at my dads work party lol.

Links: The first dress is sold out.

2nd Dress

2rd outfit:

Pants

Top

Knives Out Review

I saw knives out and loved it even though that shit was triggering and I was considering walking out in the begining. For a big part of the movie it seems like they’re portraying immigrants as careless fuck ups who is to blame for everything. I think is a really careless thing to do at the moment especially in a movie that seems to be self aware of the American political moment. Please be warned that this is quite a bit more than a clue murder mystery. It’s politically charged and as a Mexican American it got to me. A lot of it is about the political climate and charged conversations what are happening between white families at gatherings.
The cast is fabulous and it’s amazingly acted. I never knew where it was going but also I never am able to guess who did it in mysteries. All my favorite movies have shots that I’ll never forget and that I think of when I think back on the movie and that I can see like I’m gonna watching it again. This movie has moments like that that I’ll not soon forget for example the close up on Marta’s face when the will is read, and of course of course the iconic last shot.  The end was my favorite part and made me feel fully entertained and full of hope.
My only critique of the movie is that once again Hollywood could and should have casted a person of color and didn’t.  The lead is white passing and I think the character if it was a real story happening in the real world would have been a brown woman but Hollywood wouldn’t do it. The movie was so fresh and bold in so many ways and yet STILL they couldn’t cast a person of color for the lead. Once again Hollywood like telenovelas casts Latina’s who look more like me and who look more European.  It’s sick and disappointing that in almost 2020 it’s still considered bold to cast a brown person as the lead.

Small Ways to be more Eco Friendly

I was thinking of how I can be better to the world in the shower today (while trying step by step to unwind).  It’s hard not to constantly stress about the state of the planet and these little things have helped me turn that anxiety into action (no matter how small).  Do what you can and don’t beat your self up 🙂

  1. When you don’t need one ask for no receipt.
  2. Pack your own lunch in a reusable lunch container.
  3. Go thrifting! Also, this is so fun because there’s nothing more rewarding than getting a unique piece for way cheaper then you would at a place that makes thousands of the same item.
  4. Bring your own water bottle from home and refill it when you drink it all instead of buying a disposable plastic water bottle.  And if you do forget and need to buy a plastic water bottle refill it and use it a few times before you toss it.
  5. Wash your hair less.  I used to wash my hair every time I got in the shower (every day) and then I read how actually this isn’t good for your hair and strips it of your natural oils that make it shiny and healthy-looking.  I now wash my hair once every few showers and go through shampoo and conditioner a lot less then I used to and my hair looks way better than before. Win, win.
  6. See if you could be a paper towel/napkin free home and use rags and cloth napkins instead.
  7. Turn off the lights when you leave the room.

November Favorites

Trying this whole blogging thing once again because I am trying to come back to myself and come back to joy.  And I did find joy in the chronicling of my life that is blogging.  One of the parts I missed the most was at the end of the month deciding what were my favorite things.  I’m hoping to do all 12 months of 2020 so we shall see.

1. Table topics – I was just doing this with my best friend and she just said these were for people who don’t know how to hold a conversation. I disagree and I think they’re fun and I was doing them with my best friend and was finding out things I’ve never known and she’s someone who I spend so much time with.  I just bought it to keep it on my table. Here are some questions I like: what do you admire about your parents? and If you spend the weekend in any city which would you choose?

IMG_2680.jpeg

2. False lashes – I have just discovered false lashes and I don’t think I ever will go back.  I love a full face of makeup and these make me feel like a glamorous woman and photo ready.  I also thought they were a lot harder to put on then they are.

Here are my favorite ones, the ones above (they are super cheap): false mink and cat eye

3. My adorable patio set – Just in time for it to get freezing outside I finally bought my cute little patio set and it looks just as sweet as I thought it would.  Also there was no set up at all which is good cause furniture set up and I don’t mesh.

76089D2A-407D-4E61-803E-5CD68D8CC5D7.JPG

4. This nail polish 

2B99546E-5523-4726-8AA0-9AA594FDCCDB.JPG

5. Persimmons – It’s persimmon season, baby!

IMG_2672.jpg

6. Sitting like this in the morning – it makes me feel awake and hopefully does something good for you?

IMG_1805.JPG

7.  The Balance app – It takes your birthday and birthtime and gives you a daily paragraph relating to your life. It seems really spot on and gives good advice every day.  I feel like it’s pretty insightful and always gives me something new to pay attention to in myself/to work on. And it’s free so worth a shot lol.

IMG_2675.jpg

8. NYT Cooking – I did thanksgiving this year as in planned it and cooked almost all of it and it wouldn’t have been possible without this app and website.  All my recipes were from there and most of them were simpler than I imagined.  They also had a whole list or recpies for vegan thanksgiving which was helpful as I never cooked vegan food before and half of our dinner guests were vegan.

This is what I made.

IMG_2679.jpeg

9. Phone wallet – I started stupid and had one of those that was just little pocket and lost my debit card cause it fell out right before I had to leave town (do not reccomend).  And then after that I bought the linked one which was such a game changer for me.  The little flap makes it feel like a real secure wallet that you can close and it’s easier to leave the house with just phone/wallet and keys than keys, wallet and phone.  And it’s easier to not lose one thing than to not lose two.

10. Space heater – This is a contender for the best $20 I’ve ever spent cause it really saves my life once a week when my heats being wonky.  I don’t have a large room at all but it heats the whole thing up really quickly and it’s really small.  I have vents that come up from the basement so cold air always tires to sneak in and I also have a window right by where my head rests and a door to the backyrard in my room so my room is really prone to be freezing anytime.  This heater fixes that in less than 5 mins.

 

learning how to do eyeliner & other things I should already know how to do

My favorite season of the year has officially begun and with this the world gets nicer, cosier and I cling tighter to my loved ones.  Yesterday my best friend and I met by Colombus Circle to get hot chocolate and chai and walk around Central Park.  She had just been on a date there that didn’t lead to anything so she wanted to replace the association with a happy one.  We put our diamonds rings on our ring finger so people would leave us alone even though we are both very single. It was the perfect brisk but not shivery weather so it was lovely and calming.

IMG_0847.jpg

I did this eyeliner look because I’m trying okay.  I tried (in vain) in high school to learn how to do makeup but my high school bff was the queen of it and mine looked especially wonky right next to hers.  So I am trying again and it’s not as impossible as I hyped it up to be, it just takes me forever.

I really like how it came out and how I felt like a boss bitch. My hair was all the way slicked back and my makeup was all the way done and my hoops were on.  I’m usually self-conscious when my hair is back like this but because I had really put in the effort to my makeup and caked it on like there’s no tomorrow I felt powerful and confident.  We went to this really smelly and regular dive bar in the East Village and we met one of my friends and talked about our traumas over $4 beers.

It was a good time.

The 2nd strange man I’ve hit in the last month

5 minutes ago I was walking to the subway from work to go to my hot yoga class listening to my favorite podcast in Spanish Radio Ambulante when I noticed a strange man barreling towards me. The two hours I had between two jobs were supposed to be sacred at at least tranquil. The man was screaming and then he was screaming at me and I took out my headphones and he got in my space and shoved me. I said “get the fuck away from me” and he didn’t. He screamed “pussy, cunt” and then I stopped yelling and instead smiled condescendingly at his face and said “look at yourself” and put an arm in stop signal between us. Then I walked away, heart beat loud and knife buried way too deep in my bag.

In my periferal while this happened I noticed a few men stop in their tracks and watch to make sure I had it under control to watch to see I wouldn’t get hurt. I took care of it and myself as I like to and have to and do. I started to walk away and then noticed there was a cop standing there and I told him what had happened and he said that he had seen it and that’s why he’d walked out of the building he was in (the hospital). He didn’t do anything though but give me a slight attitude for telling him what he had apparently seen and decided to to nothing about. Now I’m on the subway and I think I’m gonna be late to my class.

The first guy who I hit was a guy who saw a girl about my age on her bike and he was in his walking path. Instead of being normal or regular and walking around her he kicked her bike down. She fell in the middle of the street in front of the container store and I hit him in the shoulder. I cursed at him and he cursed back and walked away. The girl was shaken like I am now. Nerve endings shaking and heart breathing a little bit off sync probably.

There’s really no moral or point to this except that men are dangerous and I have impulse control issues. All the danger I’ve ever been in has been because of a male adversary. I just hope we’re all careful and that we don’t run into the wrong person.

the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

exciting or stressful?

Hi internet void,

I hope you’re doing well if anyone reads this.  I really love writing on here cause it’s an outlet for self-expression and lately I’ve been feeling numb and uninspired.  So I’m gonna try and come back, even to just practice noticing how I’m feeling.

The main reason I haven’t been being consistent on here is cause I decided (impulsively) to start a business.  It’s called Cleaning con Flores and it’s a small cleaning business.  Right now it’s just me and my best friend.  There’s always something to be done for it (or things that I’m behind on doing) and it’s so much to even just make it legally a business with my city.  It’s all worth it though cause it’s my own and my idea and I will never run out of energy to throw behind it.

More than anything it’s bought me great pride and great stress.  I am proud of it because I had an idea and didn’t let it go and decided to make it a real thing.  The idea was super simple what if I cleaned houses but gave a bit more than that?  We bring flowers to each cleaning and offer a survey which allows clients to communicate their exact desires of what they’re looking for.

Since I’ve last written on here I’ve filed for the company to be a limited liability corporation, hired a business lawyer, learned that I should have become a lawyer as mine is an inexpensive lawyer and she makes $275 an hour (!!), had a logo made, made an Instagram for the company, made a facebook page and website for the websites, had business cards made, gotten a direct deposit system up and running, etc. etc. etc.

I have three jobs and I do not recommend it (to anyone ever) and also somehow have $80 in my bank account.  Since I’ve last written I’ve also gone through a really hard break up (still going through it), taken up working out, become addicted to Starbucks (dolce cinnamon lattes and hazelnut lattes are it for me) and blew through my savings cause I someone rammed into my lyft driver and I went to the hospital to see if I had a concussion.  I was in and out of the ER in literally 30 mins and was spoken to by a condescending doctor for 5 mins max who told me I had a slight concussion.  I paid a $100 co-pay for all that (wasn’t even given an Asprin) and walked out thinking that was the last of it. Yesterday I got a bill saying that my parent’s insurance didn’t recognize me and I owe them $1,065.  I have to pay the lawyer $800 so make my business filed in my county (whatever that means) and my rent is about to go from $700 to $1,400 because my ex-boyfriend is moving out.  I am pretty weary and I don’t feel young at all.  I feel like I can not catch a break and when I do it’s so small in comparison to the amount of mess of me to clean up all around me.

It’s hard to practice self care when you can’t even find the time to be off the clock.  It’s hard to feel healthy when your own stress is working against your well being.  It’s hard to feel okay when you work so hard and that hustle isn’t reflected in your bank app.

Love and deep breaths,

Zelda

🙁

I react so unhealthily to stress. It’s really physical and I feel it come over me. I end up scratching myself until I literally have bloody scratches or get hives. I also dig my fingers into my scalp. The messed up thing is usually when I’m doing it I don’t notice and I only notice later when I can see the little injuries. I don’t know when or how i let my life get so high stress but here I am and I don’t know how to cope.