Quarantine, cashier life & pinatas

Hi! I am the worst at having a blog.

My life has changed drastically just like literally all of ours.  I usually work three jobs, my main job is a full-time nanny and then I have my cleaning business and I work as an assistant wedding planner.  Of course, all three of these jobs stopped existing in the face of this pandemic and for a very terrifying week, I was unemployed.  Then I sat down at my kitchen table with a coffee or cocktail (it was my one week of unemployment to be fair) and applied to every single job that I thought might take a college drop out like me.  I also dmed a few grocery stores because I thought they might be hiring asap and that was how I got the job of a cashier and the most expensive grocery store in the west village.  This is a place that charges $8 for a brick of cafe bustelo and there’s a tomato sauce that costs $12.99 (shout out to Rao’s for apparently being THAT good).  Of course, the pay minimum wage but I don’t have the type of savings that would allow for me to be unemployed for more than a week so I took the job.

My nannying job pays $25 an hour so the price drop has been a lot for me to deal with.  It’s also been hard not knowing when/if my job will return.  My nanny family moved from the west village to their beach house in New Jersey.  At the beginning of the virus, they wanted me to travel there and stay for three days of the week and then go home.  I did this for two weeks and then I had to stop because it felt very dangerous for an asthmatic like me to be traveling on the subway and the train all the time during a very deadly virus.  The day I traveled home from NJ for the last time a stay in place order was issued and I couldn’t have been happier to be in home sweet Brooklyn and not NJ.

The grocery store job is as soul-sucking as you’d imagine.  No one grows up saying they want to be a cashier and even if they did they’d take one look at the paycheck and change their mind.  Most of my co-workers are nice.  Some of them are snappy or up tight but it’s cause they’re miserable and I don’t blame them.  When I’m at that job I’m miserable too. It’s hard to go through eight hours having the same stunted interactions with people.  I ask the same questions to every person.  “Hello, how are you? Do you have a store card? Do you want bags? Would you like to donate a bundle or milk to COVID relief?”  The store I work for is doing a fundraiser for City Harvest which is well-intentioned but it’s so horrible to have to ask people for money during this time.  They’ll say no and then pull out their ebt card and you feel like such a dick for asking them for money to feed other people when they’re struggling too.  I always wish the store it’s self would donate money and leave their customers out of it.

Today was a good day though because I am trying to enjoy my life and make the very best of it all.  At work in my shitty work uniform and same pair of black sneakers, I try to bring myself to the register as well by doing my makeup like I would and never coming to work in my uniform.  I keep my polyester work shirt in my store locker and change into it at the last second so that I can feel like myself for as long as possible.  Today was also a good day because I got out at 12:45 pm and when I walked out of the sliding doors the sun was shining and the birds were screaming their little snow-white heads off.  I went home and fixed myself a drink (my new favorite: sunny d + lime juice + tequila + tajin) and got a facetime from an unknown number hung up on them.  I then immediately realized it was a facetime interview I had scheduled for that time.  I called her back and tried my best to show that I’m a very qualified hardworking nanny that’s good at what she does.

The highlight of my day was making a pinata.  My family and I used to do this many times a year.  We’d make them for my sisters and i’s birthday parties.  I was out of practice but doing it brought back so many warm memories of happier and more than anything brighter easier times.  The smell of the flour and water and feeling of the paste drying on my fingers was therapeutic.  The biggest part of me wishes I had the money and privilege to be fully quarantined and staying home during this time.  I would love to have the time to do all the wild and rather mundane fantasies I’ve had during my life of what I would do if I had time to figure out what I wanted to do.  While sliding the wet pieces of newspaper on to the balloon, I was so focused on getting the job done that I wasn’t thinking about how I was going to make rent, about savings, about food and all the ways I am falling short.  I was just focusing on this task that I had chosen to set in front of me not a bouquet of problems that was thrust into my face.  It was nice to reach out to my childhood in this simple and fun way and to even if just for a half-hour, to think about something different.

Now I have to wait a few days until this first layer of paper mache fully dries and then I’ll add a second layer.  Then I’ll stop being cheap and pull the trigger and buy some paint.  And then the hardest part for me comes.  Trying to be artistic and painting something on it.

Question:  Are you the type of person with enough patience for puzzles?

I for sure, am not.

Also, have you done any arts and crafts during the pandemic?  I would love to hear what you’ve been making 🙂

January Favorites

This is the year I do my favorites every month. Or so she says in the first year of the month :)) fingers crossed.  I hope that we are all still full of hope for this year.

Pozole: I am a Mexican and I have finally learned how to make Pozole and I feel so alive lol.  Now that I’ve completed this rite of passage I am pretty much living off of it this winter.

Cyc spin class: I tried SoulCycle and that shit was too corny for me and also way too much money. Though I did like that they had Drunken Elephant skincare products in the bathroom.  I like Cyc cause it’s about the music and they’re not judgy.  It’s “beat based” and the instructors are inspirational but not over the top.  Also they’re cheaper at $22 a class vs. SoulCycle’s thirty-something.

The dessert: I grew up in the mountains and love the beach.  My dad grew up in the dessert and it was so amazing experiencing it on our way into Mexicali. I love the stillness of it, the feeling of being alone (until immigration inevitably shows up).  I also really love the color scheme.

Rica juice: tastes like orange juice but better cause it’s a little unhealthy

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 11.24.34 AM

Cheer on Netflix: It’s insanely impressive and I booked a workout for the next morning after the 1st episode.  It’s about the best cheerleaders in the USA (maybe the world?) leading up to the championship and it’s one of those shows that leaves you in awe of what humans can do.  It’s also beautifully shot and makes you fall in love with the people it’s about.

Screenshot 2020-02-01 at 12.19.02 AM

This is my favorite body lotion and has been for a while.  It smells like Jolly Ranches and absorbs quicker than any other lotion I’ve ever used.

This recipe: I switched out the miso paste for tables spoons of trader joe’s boxed miso soup.  And I couldn’t find Tamari sauce at my grocery store so we used thick soba sauce and my grocery failed once again in not having Brussel sprouts so we used broccoli.  Long story short it was delicious and amazing and tasted like something made in a restaurant and not by my incompetent hands.  The sauce was insanely good and we covered it in lime juice. It was a wow meal

 

Screenshot 2020-02-01 at 12.27.57 AM

Hanalei Lip Treatment in clear:  It feels really luxurious and makes your lips feel lush and protected.  This has been my go to during this season of dry and red skin and so far my lips haven’t been chapped.  My very favorite thing about it might be the smell which is sweet and comforting.

Dislikes:

Global warming: It so real and so apparent here in NYC.  We had basically no snow in December and it’s been raining.  I’ve worn sundresses in January.  It’s so strange and jarring and please let me know what I can do to help.

Duvets: more trouble than they’re worth. I’m a professional cleaner who has changed them and dealt with them a million times and I still hate them.  I just wash my comforter and its easier than washing the duvet cover and doing the whole ugly gymnastic routine to get it on the duvet.

November Favorites

Trying this whole blogging thing once again because I am trying to come back to myself and come back to joy.  And I did find joy in the chronicling of my life that is blogging.  One of the parts I missed the most was at the end of the month deciding what were my favorite things.  I’m hoping to do all 12 months of 2020 so we shall see.

1. Table topics – I was just doing this with my best friend and she just said these were for people who don’t know how to hold a conversation. I disagree and I think they’re fun and I was doing them with my best friend and was finding out things I’ve never known and she’s someone who I spend so much time with.  I just bought it to keep it on my table. Here are some questions I like: what do you admire about your parents? and If you spend the weekend in any city which would you choose?

IMG_2680.jpeg

2. False lashes – I have just discovered false lashes and I don’t think I ever will go back.  I love a full face of makeup and these make me feel like a glamorous woman and photo ready.  I also thought they were a lot harder to put on then they are.

Here are my favorite ones, the ones above (they are super cheap): false mink and cat eye

3. My adorable patio set – Just in time for it to get freezing outside I finally bought my cute little patio set and it looks just as sweet as I thought it would.  Also there was no set up at all which is good cause furniture set up and I don’t mesh.

76089D2A-407D-4E61-803E-5CD68D8CC5D7.JPG

4. This nail polish 

2B99546E-5523-4726-8AA0-9AA594FDCCDB.JPG

5. Persimmons – It’s persimmon season, baby!

IMG_2672.jpg

6. Sitting like this in the morning – it makes me feel awake and hopefully does something good for you?

IMG_1805.JPG

7.  The Balance app – It takes your birthday and birthtime and gives you a daily paragraph relating to your life. It seems really spot on and gives good advice every day.  I feel like it’s pretty insightful and always gives me something new to pay attention to in myself/to work on. And it’s free so worth a shot lol.

IMG_2675.jpg

8. NYT Cooking – I did thanksgiving this year as in planned it and cooked almost all of it and it wouldn’t have been possible without this app and website.  All my recipes were from there and most of them were simpler than I imagined.  They also had a whole list or recpies for vegan thanksgiving which was helpful as I never cooked vegan food before and half of our dinner guests were vegan.

This is what I made.

IMG_2679.jpeg

9. Phone wallet – I started stupid and had one of those that was just little pocket and lost my debit card cause it fell out right before I had to leave town (do not reccomend).  And then after that I bought the linked one which was such a game changer for me.  The little flap makes it feel like a real secure wallet that you can close and it’s easier to leave the house with just phone/wallet and keys than keys, wallet and phone.  And it’s easier to not lose one thing than to not lose two.

10. Space heater – This is a contender for the best $20 I’ve ever spent cause it really saves my life once a week when my heats being wonky.  I don’t have a large room at all but it heats the whole thing up really quickly and it’s really small.  I have vents that come up from the basement so cold air always tires to sneak in and I also have a window right by where my head rests and a door to the backyrard in my room so my room is really prone to be freezing anytime.  This heater fixes that in less than 5 mins.

 

The 2nd strange man I’ve hit in the last month

5 minutes ago I was walking to the subway from work to go to my hot yoga class listening to my favorite podcast in Spanish Radio Ambulante when I noticed a strange man barreling towards me. The two hours I had between two jobs were supposed to be sacred at at least tranquil. The man was screaming and then he was screaming at me and I took out my headphones and he got in my space and shoved me. I said “get the fuck away from me” and he didn’t. He screamed “pussy, cunt” and then I stopped yelling and instead smiled condescendingly at his face and said “look at yourself” and put an arm in stop signal between us. Then I walked away, heart beat loud and knife buried way too deep in my bag.

In my periferal while this happened I noticed a few men stop in their tracks and watch to make sure I had it under control to watch to see I wouldn’t get hurt. I took care of it and myself as I like to and have to and do. I started to walk away and then noticed there was a cop standing there and I told him what had happened and he said that he had seen it and that’s why he’d walked out of the building he was in (the hospital). He didn’t do anything though but give me a slight attitude for telling him what he had apparently seen and decided to to nothing about. Now I’m on the subway and I think I’m gonna be late to my class.

The first guy who I hit was a guy who saw a girl about my age on her bike and he was in his walking path. Instead of being normal or regular and walking around her he kicked her bike down. She fell in the middle of the street in front of the container store and I hit him in the shoulder. I cursed at him and he cursed back and walked away. The girl was shaken like I am now. Nerve endings shaking and heart breathing a little bit off sync probably.

There’s really no moral or point to this except that men are dangerous and I have impulse control issues. All the danger I’ve ever been in has been because of a male adversary. I just hope we’re all careful and that we don’t run into the wrong person.

the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

& three is a party

On my first week off in a whole real while, my best friend came to stay at my house.  My nanny family was vacationing in the Dominican Republic and I was ready to have a staycation.  I went upstate to visit my family for a day and then Olive came back with me which felt so good cause it was like bringing a piece of my hometown back to my home.

We slept in, we drank excessive amounts of coffee, we watched Yummy Mummys (terrible but entertaining tv) and the Umbrella Academy (good tv) and also I used my prized possession, my blender and made margaritas and we got drunk in my living room.  Being young and extra as we are we got dressed up and put on heels and we danced our very uncoordinated hearts out in my living room to salsa that blared from the google home.  It was delicious innocent fun.  For a moment there we even flirted with the idea of leaving the house but that is not really our style (mi novio, Olive and I have hermit tendencies and we had everything we needed in the house anyway).

It was so much fun and I even danced even though I can not dance and know so very well.  I was the perfect level of drunk and I felt good the next morning.  When I get drunk I get hyper and then I get sleepy so after we stopped dancing we started watching Yummy Mummies again and I left to change out of my itchy Fashion Nova evening gown into PJ’s and just accidentally stripped down to my underwear and fell asleep in my bed leaving Olivia and mi novio to Yummy Mummies lol.  Anyways here are three photos from that night that I love and adore.  And I hope you have a three-person party soon.  It’s fun, it’s cheap, it’s safe, it’s easy and you can play whatever damn music you’d like.  10/10 would recommend

 

 

The thing’s I’m bringing with me: 2019 Edition

The main energy I’m going to try to bring into 2019 is trying to be happy, trying to be healthy and trying to move in the direction of my goals.

Coming with me into 2019: 

Wearing less heels:  I barely wore heels this year because it was really so painful and it just didn’t feel that necessary.  I’m a nanny and it would be ridiculous to wear heels to work when a lot of my job is pushing a stroller.  I want to feel cute and confident without having to be in physical pain and a lot of the (admittedly cheap) heels I had really really hurt me.  For me it’s not worth it.

Doing my own nails: Getting your nails done professionally is nice and all but I really hate the part where they file my nails (that feeling to me is like nails on a chalkboard) and I really don’t have the money to spend so often when they chip the next day and I get upset and guilt trip myself about spending the money.  And I really don’t blame the nail salon, it’s really that I wash dishes every day and I am a nanny so my hands are very much working hands.

Being a nanny:  Yes it’s true $20 an hour is the most I’ve ever been paid and I love having more money than before (this also comes with being more financially irresponsible than before 😦 but I also love the kids and it has it’s fufilling and sweet moments thought it’s also crazy exhausting helping raise four kids. And there’s a lot of tantrums.  It’s the best job I’ve ever had. Even though one of the 9-year-old girls said to me the other day “you wear too much makeup” when I was just wearing mascara and blush (?!?!) and when the 2-year-old is in a bad mood she will whine “I don’t want you here.”

Dying my hair red: I am killing my hair but oh well cause I’ve been to professionals as well and they kill my hair too but just for $100 and I can kill it for $12.  I really love being a redhead so this is the price I pay.

Lotioning after a shower: Any self-care that can easily be incorporated into everyday life and make me feel low key luxurious is a yes for me.

Leaving in 2019:

Buying cheap rings:  I really love the look where you have lots of rings on your fingers and I always have.  I especially love fake diamonds and I have been buying all sorts of fake diamond rings since middle school and it’s been a look… for better and for worse.  I buy them mainly from costume jewelry stores, Chinatown and the internet (the wish app) and those they are beautiful and sparkly for a while in a matter of weeks the stones either fall off or they lose their sparkle completely and start showing their true colors (cheap & plastic).  It’s fun but it’s such a waste of money and I am going to start investing in semi-decent (poor person version of semi-precious) quality rings.  I deserve it.

Working a whole month with no days off:  This is a hard pass.  I’ve done it multiple months this year and wow I feel it’s pain now.  It was just horrible and I barely had time to breathe.  Most of my text posts are rants about how my mental health is deteriorating because of my exhaustion.  With working a whole year straight I have learned this lesson: just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. It’s hard though becuase I don’t want to choose money over peace of mind but the problem is that sometimes money is peace of mind.

Christmas shopping in December: Nah, never again.  I’m going to be adult adult and shop all year long and mostly online cause real-life shopping is stressful (mostly because of the music they play tbh).  I want all my Christmas shopping to be completed by October and all the gifts wrapped by the end of November so I don’t have to go bankrupt in December. Here’s hoping.

Buying lunch out instead of bringing it to work: I’m really pissed that I did this when I know how to make spaghetti and sandwiches like everyone else.  I feel like this is where all my money went.

Birthday Things

I am still not over my birthday cause 1) I low key love attention and 2) cause I felt so so loved.  My mom gave me this beautifully decorated cigar box which and the presents in it were a swiss army (which can do anything and save your life basically) and a beautiful blue crystal necklace and matching bracelet.  My sister Frida wrapped everything perfectly in beautiful wrapping paper… I am actually in awe of her wrapping skills.   Every year for at least 7 years we go to the same Chinese food buffet in Kingston, NY and we feast (this time I made it to 3 plates) and it’s an amazing amount of food and so satisfying.  It’s one of my favorite and the most sacred traditions I have. I open presents and my family sings to me (embarrassingly in both English and Spanish).  Every year my friends and I take a photo in the bathroom (again embarrassing) and it’s so crazy to look back on these photos for posterity.  The friend group has changed grown smaller cause I’ve stopped being friends with some and also cause some of my dearest friends have moved away and started my life.  Two of my best friends were unable to make it this time, Hali goes to RISD and lives in Providence and Olivia lives in a tent in California where she works on a farm.  As I’ve grown older though, I think I’ve gotten smarter about who I choose to spend my life with and I’m very proud to be associated with the people I call best friends.  They inspire me every day.IMG_1676IMG_1645

favorite restaurant

This time around the waiter was not feeling me and my (very loud) family and had no patience with me describing what I usually get since I couldn’t find it on the menu.  Frida, her best friend Hannah, and I all got mango lassi’s which my own sister turns out to like (!) and Hannah is a vegan lol.  So I was very happy because I got three mango lassi’s.  There’s no AC in there and between the combo of tons of Christmas lights and hot thick Indian food we were sweaty and miserable.  It’s definitely a better experience at night time.