Pandemic in NYC: #5

I saw on twitter the other day “if your job requires an appreciation week you probably aren’t getting paid enough.”  It’s definitely true.  It was just a nurse appreciation week.  I don’t know if most nurses felt appreciated or felt any difference during that week.  I’m sure they have much more pressing and crucial things to think about than a vague holiday that barely exists.  It’s like the customers that always tell my cashier co-workers and me about the people who make the noise for the frontline workers at 7pm.  They always tell us to thank you for what we do and they ask if we hear the ruckus at that time.  I never have though because I’ve always been… at my register working.  This country is very much about the talk and flimsy gestures in terms of “appreciation” instead of shit that would make us feel appreciated like livable wages.  The people who keep everyone eating and alive and society as close to normal as possible are the ones who are suffering the gravest effects of this pandemic.  The ones who are dying are the ones who had no choice to go to work because their job put profits first and didn’t shut down or the ones who couldn’t miss a days work because they had to make sure they had rent and food for their family.

Speaking of cutesy but flimsy appreciation…

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Wrong bitch to hit with your cane :/

Y’all just finished cursing someone out. I stopped for one seconds for my asthmatic lungs to be ok and not think they’re dying after I walked out of the stairs of the subway. In this few second period of me huffing and puffing some crusty pervy looking 50 yr old man w a cane approached me and I couldn’t so I POLITELY said I’m sorry I have to catch my train and started to walk away and this man hit my ankle with his cane….. sheesh. I blacked on this man. I was just getting my breath back from the stairs (I’m the most ancient 22 yr old you ever did see) and used all that breath to unload on him. “You can not be hitting people with you mother fucking cane” and lots more heavily cursed words but I never remember what I said when I really curse someone out. For the first split second after he hit me he seemed to come forward and kept smiling a deranged smile and me but then I got louder and really committed to it and leaned all the way in in a way only anger management girls like me can and he didn’t get a word it and stopped moving.

I was having a really weird really hard really stressful day. I don’t know if my dads cancer is back or if he has diabetes and my employees keep trying to talk politics with me (which I think is really inappropriate) and I works 15 hours or something ridiculous (I’m too tired to do the math).

i hate barre class

I’ve tried but I’m not yet the type of person who likes to workout.  In fact, last night after I got out of work at 8pm I trudged myself to an 8:30 pm barre class and hated it.  I realized that they have a policy that your shirt has to cover your midriff which was unfortunate for me as the workout outfit I had brought with me to change into consisted of leggings and a sports bra.  So I decided to wear my outfit for the day with my sports bra underneath which was a flowy romper.  I stuck out completely being the only one not in the obvious uniform of Lululemon and more Lululemon and wearing a full blown outift (not at all moisture wicking!!!).  I was also the fattest there which is always a trip because I’m not fat I’m just curvy.  And I was also the least white which was strange and unnerving.  It just wasn’t my scene and also I weak af and that shit burns.
I felt empowered at first when I walked in 1) cause I was proud of myself for going to work out after the long-ass and hard day I had just endured and 2) because I was surrounded by beautiful women and there was something so sentimental about all of us getting stronger together, all of our weighted arms in the air and then down.

But that didn’t last long because those classes hurt and make me feel so weak.  I am so out of shape and apparently, that was something I had in common with … exactly no one in the room.  Only ten minutes in I was already thinking snarky bitter things like “I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life but at least I’ve never spent $100 on leggings before.”  Also they are always saying “tuck, tuck” which from what I can tell is a tiny thrust and I feel like I’m always doing it wrong and then I see my self in the mirror, feel incredibly ungraceful and want to laugh and then try to turn the urge to laugh into an ab workout.

Another thing I don’t like about this barre classe (Pure Barre) is it feels very unprivate and a bit dated.  I like spin classes (I feel like “spin class” sounds so annoying and pretentious) because a lot of the time you can feel alone if you try.  The more alone I feel in a workout class the less I compare myself to others and the less my self esteem tanks. They have cool lights which makes everyone look cool or they turn off the lights completely which I love.  At Pure Barre the lights feel very fluorescent and are on the whole time until the end.  A lot of times you’re direct across from someone (whose looking very strong and capable which is the opposite of how I’m feeling).  When I think of the aesthetic of Pure Barre studio it’s very beige and I think it would be so much better with lights that would bath the room in color. But I guess that wouldn’t be very pure lol.

more than just a working girl… or not

I got home today around 10pm after working not one but two jobs (one boring office job and then some manual labor).  I feel very grateful to be employed but it gets to a point where especially on nights like this when I get home and Nick is sleeping, I feel like I’m missing out on so much of the good stuff in life.  I’ve been working at least 50 house weekly and its crazy to realize that’s more than two days of the 7 day week in which I’m not operating on free will.  These are hours in which my time does not belong to me, it belongs to my employer and I don’t do what I want to do. I do what has to be done next and I play games with time, hoping that if I don’t look at the clock time will speed up.  I felt so much guilt when I walked into our house to find the lights off and Nick sleeping.  I felt shitty cause I hadn’t seen him all day and he’d wanted to do something but my cleaning job ran long (it was the largest apt I’d ever been in in NYC).  I also felt robbed because the only thing I was looking forward to today, spending time with Nick was gone.  I so badly wanted to wake him up and as I write this still do (it’s midnight) but that would be no bueno since he really needs his rest (also he looks like a peaceful greek god when he sleeps).  I still wanna wake him up though lol.

Tomorrow I leave straight from work to go upstate to work a wedding and I’ll be gone two nights which seems like a lot to me right now.  I love working weddings and I love cleaning but unfortunately, my wedding gigs are only paid internships at this point and my cleaning job is my side hoe of a job.  I love weddings cause you create something beautiful by working together with strangers and I love my cleaning gig cause it’s totally mine and I created it from nothing (even though at this point it’s barely more than nothing).  My maybe attainable dream is to be able to quit the soul-sucking job that is my 8-5 in which I sit in a very uncomfortable desk chair and file bankruptcy claims for 8 hours straight, looking at not one but two computers at all times.  Also my seat has just been moved from sitting next to a nice guy who hated this place too to sitting next to a man who literally started a fight cause another guy at our desk was yawning and he thought it was unprofessional (!).  I mean,… can you believe?! A supervisor had to be called and the yawning guy changed seats so now I’m sitting one empty chair from a crazy man who thinks yawning is unprofessional and now wants me to sit next to him (not in this lifetime).

The worst thing to do to your self when you hate your job yet are there all the time is to think about all the things you could be doing.  So course, this is the special brand of torture I inflict on myself.  I think about 1) all the dates I’m planning with Nick but may never get to go to cause I’m at the soul-sucking job 2) the poetry book I’ve been working on since middle school 3) panic out of nowhere that I’ve forgotten someone’s birthday 3) how dirty my room is and that when I get home I’m gonna be too tired (i.e lazy) to clean it and on and on it goes.  I have all these passions and projects that stay half started and not fully committed to for the longest time.  My heart lies in things I don’t have the time to give my full efforts to.

It really hurts that the love of my life and I fight about how much I work when I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum to feed myself and buy a metro card and not be homeless and then when I look at my bank account, it looks back at me wide-eyed as if to say “you think this amount is gonna stretch how far, keep dreaming sweetie.”  It’s crazy that I work so much it causes strain on relationships with my family and boyfriend and yet I don’t have savings and I am by all accounts broke.  It’s seems wrong to me that you can work 9 hours a day, 6 days a week and weekends and still be steadily scraping by.

On my lunch break I mindlessly scroll through Instagram.  Mine is full of travel bloggers and girls with brand collabs and money from something or other.  They’re more or less my age and they’re making money off a photo of them holding a protein shake.  I find it upsetting because it looks so easy what they’re doing and not time-consuming enough that they’re seemingly always on vacation.  I am stuck in a cycle of comparing myself to them, thinking toxic half thoughts like, “hmm, if I was blonde and with a booty would enough people like my thirst traps to get brands to want me to selfie up with their product and try to con my followers into using something that I got paid $100’s to pretend I use?”  I am constantly thinking of a way to get out of my cycle, working all the time to have enough and yet not having enough of the most precious thing; time with loved ones.  I am constantly working and then when I am not working I am straining to create a life outside of work that is a happy and healthy place.  I  wanna be someone who makes breakfast and puts a little aside for savings every month.  I want to be not struggling to juggle everything all the time.

your time matters

Today is what I call a resume day. I walk around the city with a vague list of places I’d like to work (I really wanna work at a diner cause I love and adore diners) and I introduce myself and ask if they’re hiring. On my way to one of the diners I saw a really pretty restaurant with lovely live Christmas trees outside it and I thought why not. I went in asked if they were hiring and they asked if I had a resume so I gave it to them. Then they gave me a sheet that said interview quiz (I have never seen this before and was totally unprepared) and I filled it out and got a bunch of questions wrong (the wine related ones). So I was like ok that’s a wrap lol and I felt so dumb. But they were like just wait here the manager wants to speak to you. So I waited. And waited … and waited for an hour of my life. When she finally finally appeared she said so you don’t have any restaurant experience (I did) not a lot but still. She said you were only allowed to get one wrong on the quiz. I got more. And then she said the worst part. But you’re cute so come back in a few months when you’ve gotten more experience. The whole thing was so disrespectful and condescending. She treated me like my time didn’t matter. It did not take her an hour to realize I didn’t have a chance to be considered for employment at that restaurant and when she finally appeared to tell me that she didn’t apologize for wasting an hour of my life. And she called me cute which was condescending and strange. I’m a human being and I should be treated with respect. People should value our time especially when someone is hustling to try and find employment. I guess when you get to a position of power some people tend to forget that and forget that people are people and not just things you have to deal with. When you’re trying to accomplish something time is money and how you utilize it is the difference between failure and success. The fact that an hour of mine was wasted when it could have been ten minutes is really annoying and rude.

stupidest thing I did today: #1

Today as soon as my eyes disgruntlely opened I made myself a promise: I will finish my Christmas shopping today.  And so I did.  My last stop was the Ulta on the Upper East Side to get my little sister two highlighters she wanted.  I got there, wished I was rich and could treat myself and got her the gifts and got on the subway.  I sat down and waited for the 5 and then I glanced at the countdown clock and realized 1) I was on the wrong level 2) the train would arrive in 1 minute.  So I ran frantically down the stairs and caught the train. Yay! …Except I had left the $70 Ulta bag on the upper level.  This was of course something I didn’t realize until I was almost in Brooklyn.  I got off the train and returned to the station I had left it at, hoping for a Christmas miracle. But there was obviously no way someone would not touch it and it was gone.  I then went back to Ulta and re bought the $70 gift.  And then I returned home to be poor, pouty and eat my 50 cent ramen noodles.  And yes I am still furious at my careless self and I am not on speaking terms with myself.