& three is a party

On my first week off in a whole real while, my best friend came to stay at my house.  My nanny family was vacationing in the Dominican Republic and I was ready to have a staycation.  I went upstate to visit my family for a day and then Olive came back with me which felt so good cause it was like bringing a piece of my hometown back to my home.

We slept in, we drank excessive amounts of coffee, we watched Yummy Mummys (terrible but entertaining tv) and the Umbrella Academy (good tv) and also I used my prized possession, my blender and made margaritas and we got drunk in my living room.  Being young and extra as we are we got dressed up and put on heels and we danced our very uncoordinated hearts out in my living room to salsa that blared from the google home.  It was delicious innocent fun.  For a moment there we even flirted with the idea of leaving the house but that is not really our style (mi novio, Olive and I have hermit tendencies and we had everything we needed in the house anyway).

It was so much fun and I even danced even though I can not dance and know so very well.  I was the perfect level of drunk and I felt good the next morning.  When I get drunk I get hyper and then I get sleepy so after we stopped dancing we started watching Yummy Mummies again and I left to change out of my itchy Fashion Nova evening gown into PJ’s and just accidentally stripped down to my underwear and fell asleep in my bed leaving Olivia and mi novio to Yummy Mummies lol.  Anyways here are three photos from that night that I love and adore.  And I hope you have a three-person party soon.  It’s fun, it’s cheap, it’s safe, it’s easy and you can play whatever damn music you’d like.  10/10 would recommend



oscar night

If you could have an unlimited supply of a food what would it be?

Right now I’m having trouble deciding whether mine would be Murry’s french toast sticks or hot and sour soup.  Last night I came home quite drunk from my best friends birthday party and I had lost my phone and all I wanted was some really greasy fried rice and about a gallon of hot and sour soup.  My boyfriend ordered while I laid on the couch being a useless and emotional blob.  I fell asleep before it got here and woke up like two hours later and snuck to the couch, ate my soup and watched three episodes of Good Trouble naked and still drunk.  Weirdly that felt the closest I’d come to self-care in a minute.  Now I’m back on the couch writing into the internet void and being sad about work tomorrow.  Also rn I am watching the Oscars so that I can make my best-dressed post after and so I can support Roma.

The thing’s I’m bringing with me: 2019 Edition

The main energy I’m going to try to bring into 2019 is trying to be happy, trying to be healthy and trying to move in the direction of my goals.

Coming with me into 2019: 

Wearing less heels:  I barely wore heels this year because it was really so painful and it just didn’t feel that necessary.  I’m a nanny and it would be ridiculous to wear heels to work when a lot of my job is pushing a stroller.  I want to feel cute and confident without having to be in physical pain and a lot of the (admittedly cheap) heels I had really really hurt me.  For me it’s not worth it.

Doing my own nails: Getting your nails done professionally is nice and all but I really hate the part where they file my nails (that feeling to me is like nails on a chalkboard) and I really don’t have the money to spend so often when they chip the next day and I get upset and guilt trip myself about spending the money.  And I really don’t blame the nail salon, it’s really that I wash dishes every day and I am a nanny so my hands are very much working hands.

Being a nanny:  Yes it’s true $20 an hour is the most I’ve ever been paid and I love having more money than before (this also comes with being more financially irresponsible than before 😦 but I also love the kids and it has it’s fufilling and sweet moments thought it’s also crazy exhausting helping raise four kids. And there’s a lot of tantrums.  It’s the best job I’ve ever had. Even though one of the 9-year-old girls said to me the other day “you wear too much makeup” when I was just wearing mascara and blush (?!?!) and when the 2-year-old is in a bad mood she will whine “I don’t want you here.”

Dying my hair red: I am killing my hair but oh well cause I’ve been to professionals as well and they kill my hair too but just for $100 and I can kill it for $12.  I really love being a redhead so this is the price I pay.

Lotioning after a shower: Any self-care that can easily be incorporated into everyday life and make me feel low key luxurious is a yes for me.

Leaving in 2019:

Buying cheap rings:  I really love the look where you have lots of rings on your fingers and I always have.  I especially love fake diamonds and I have been buying all sorts of fake diamond rings since middle school and it’s been a look… for better and for worse.  I buy them mainly from costume jewelry stores, Chinatown and the internet (the wish app) and those they are beautiful and sparkly for a while in a matter of weeks the stones either fall off or they lose their sparkle completely and start showing their true colors (cheap & plastic).  It’s fun but it’s such a waste of money and I am going to start investing in semi-decent (poor person version of semi-precious) quality rings.  I deserve it.

Working a whole month with no days off:  This is a hard pass.  I’ve done it multiple months this year and wow I feel it’s pain now.  It was just horrible and I barely had time to breathe.  Most of my text posts are rants about how my mental health is deteriorating because of my exhaustion.  With working a whole year straight I have learned this lesson: just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. It’s hard though becuase I don’t want to choose money over peace of mind but the problem is that sometimes money is peace of mind.

Christmas shopping in December: Nah, never again.  I’m going to be adult adult and shop all year long and mostly online cause real-life shopping is stressful (mostly because of the music they play tbh).  I want all my Christmas shopping to be completed by October and all the gifts wrapped by the end of November so I don’t have to go bankrupt in December. Here’s hoping.

Buying lunch out instead of bringing it to work: I’m really pissed that I did this when I know how to make spaghetti and sandwiches like everyone else.  I feel like this is where all my money went.

1st day in Paris (+ self esteem issues!)

I’ve been to Paris before on a French Club trip where we got laughed at by all our french peers for trying to say some French words.  It was an unforgettable trip but mainly cause it was awkward and I was mostly friendless.  But also cause I saw Elton John and the Arctic Monkeys perform and ate really well.  Now I’m an assistant/wedding planner type thing and I still don’t know my place in the world or usually in the room but I’ve gotten myself to Paris and I’m getting paid for it so I guess that’s a win.

The wedding we’re working is much more than a wedding.  We are going to be in Paris for 6 days and there are 4 events (dinner parties mostly) and when we’re done here we go to level two, Antigua where we are going to do another 4 events.  It’s a lot and I’m very awkward and weirdly shy and nervous and I feel very incompetent.  I get really weird around people who are way way many millions richer than me and I almost forget how to be myself.  It’s not cute and I’ve tried to be more of a conversationalist and less down on myself during these work trips but I don’t think I’ve made any progress.  The ven diagram middle of things I have in common with these people is such a small sliver and I find it hard to talk to them.  I’m at least 10 years younger than everyone and I’ve didn’t go to college and this is not my career like it is theirs.  I’m trying to breathe and focus on the work at hand and try and make it out alive.  My boss is one of the most amazing and intelligent and capable people I’ve ever met so it’s really impressive to watch her work.  But for me and all my issues, this is a very stressful trip.  I hope to learn from her and be like her in my work life.

I think Paris is so beautiful (don’t we all) and it has this sort of airiness that New York doesn’t have.  Maybe my favorite thing about it here is that there are balconies everywhere and having a balcony has always been one of my dreams. There’s breathtaking architecture around every turn. This city clearly lends its self to dreams, especially dreams of grandeur.  It’s definitely expensive; the french onion soups we ate for lunch at a place that had a diner-y feel were 15 euro each and our cappuccinos were 8.  But in better weather, I would love nothing more than to wander around the city with my novio and have a picnic (i.e some bread, cheese and wine and us scattered on a blanket)

previously mentioned cappuccino & a very fancy hotel

being annoying at breakfast via wearing sunglasses inside

My favorite place to eat or even be in Woodstock, NY (my hometown) is Maria’s Bazaar.  Maria, the lovely Italian woman who started it and filled it with love and delicious food recently retired and sold it to someone else who now redecorated it with booths (good!) and decided to start serving very limp pizza (very bad!).  Needless to say, we miss her dearly but as loyal customers and people who grew up here, we still love it.  It actually is cozier and has a kind of diner feel now but the food quality has suffered.

When I went upstate we went for breakfast with my sister Frida, and friend’s Gracie and Tiana.  Gracie grew up here as well as she has a summer home here and would come up every summer.  We met at summer camp.

Oh and! Here’s me forcing my friends to take pictures of me cause I had never worn a wrap dress before and I was feeling myself in my new Audrey Hepburn inspired sunglasses.  Also a selfie of me with my very chic little sister!

feeling healthy + spending all my money on a sandwich

I always go to the same coffee shop for my lunch break and since it’s the west village and a hipster coffee shop, of course, it’s gonna be a ten dollar sandwich.  It’s called something that I can’t pronounce and has avocados in it but its delicious and not a cheeseburger so I’m proud/ashamed that this has become a habit.  To justify this I’m making it a blog post ok.  Here look at it. IMG_1741 (1) Look, how pretty.

humans are human

I wish that we were more willing to accept and be open about being flawed.  I wish we were just more honest and willing to own our mistakes and also that we make them all the time.  I know I do everyday and I’m really flawed.  I get angry out of nowhere and I have trouble ever forgiving anyone and I never forget any time any one has wronged me.  I hold on to my anger and have difficulty letting it go.  I don’t know how to be young and fun and I can’t not priotizing work because I’m so afraid of staying stagnant and being poor forever.  I feel if I don’t work crazy hard now I’ll be in my thirties and still unable to support myself comfortably.  And yet I’m working crazy hard and nothing is happening.  I’m bad at keeping in touch and sometimes I go months with out talking to people who really matter to me.  I’m a slob and I procrastinate everything even simple things like cleaning my own room and then I get home and the clutter in my room makes me unhappy.  I feel like life goes so fast and I’m struggling to find the space between moments filled with task, I’m really looking to find my breath and it seems like I will not be able to have sometime to be myself and enjoy life really until October and it’s getting to be too much for me.  My game plan until then is to do things after work (date nights, walks in the park etc.), and hydrate and commit to working out and try and not have my entire days being work and then sleep.  It’s hard to practice self care when you’re consistently in a place of true and deep exhaustion. But I’m going to put my effort into that which for me is spending time with the people I love, leaving the house for things besides work, my skin care routine and other things that are rewarding, fulfilling and calming.

sneak that self care in

I’ve been waking up so late lately (like waking up at the time I should be out the door for work) so I haven’t been able to have peaceful mornings. My fantasy morning involves cuddle with my novio, coffee (preferably from the deli and not made my me cause my coffee is horrible) a concha, some sunlight through the window, taking my vitamins, showering, putting on makeup while listening to the daily, do my skincare routine, editing my to do list google doc, listening to salsa etc. These things never all happen in one morning, sometimes I get one or two components in (if I take my vitamins and make my own coffee that’s enough for me). But lately I’ve been literally just finding an outfit brushing my teeth and running out the door like a hurricane. Lately it’s gotten to the point that I’ve been throwing my sunscreen and moisturizer into my bag and when I get to work sneaking into the bathroom and moisturizing like a weirdo. You gotta do what you gotta do to feel like a human being. Cause most of the time at work I don’t, I feel like a robot that does the same thing over and over again which I do and I sit in the same chair in front of the same chair for 9 hrs a day 6 days a week filling out the same form. The only reason I don’t hate the job is cause I get to listen to music and audiobooks and pod casts and the guy next to me also doesn’t like the job and wants to not be doing nothing with his time. Also it’s refreshing to not talk to anyone after a life in customer service (I’m forgetting how to fake smile!!). I like quiet and solitude but you know what I like more than that? Getting things done and feeling like I’m going somewhere in life. Here I feel like I’m wasting my time. It’s been a long train of jobs with varying degrees of soul sucking. I hope to one day find my soul job and also to only work one job.