the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

stupidest thing i did today

Last night I worked a wedding with my best friend.  It was the hardest wedding I worked just cause I fucked up two times and was just so very over it and so very bad at my job.  Tiana slept over and I was so tired I slept in until almost 1pm this morning and by the time I woke up she was long gone.  She texted me that she had slam locked the door and out door doesn’t slam lock but I didn’t say anything cause I didn’t want to make her feel bad.  I was having a very slow morning (considering it wasn’t morning) and decided to check the mail to see if I had any checks waiting for me.  Because I’m a lovable idiot I usually don’t take my house keys when I go to check the mail cause our door doesn’t lock unless you lock it and I’m on the 1st floor so the mailbox is literally right there in the lobby.  So I went out in my PJ’s and checked the mail (also I had a check :)) and when I went to go back into my lovely cosy home it was locked.  So here I was standing in the hallway in my insanely big grey knit cardigan with crazy exhausted eyes and just my phone on me.  I texted my super but he responded that he would be at church until 5pm. I ended up taking an very expensive lyft to my boyfriends job (we works on a ferry boat).  So I just went to a dock and met one of his coworkers and got the keys from him and didn’t even get to see my novio.  I lost $50 and a few hours on my precious day off cause I don’t think things through.  Anyways the moral of the story is if your best friend says she slam locked the door she slam locked the door!!

stupidest thing I did today

so i’m my favorite teriyaki sauce in the world is from Trader Joe’s but I don’t go to Trader Joe’s anymore cause I live in nyc and the lines are crazy and not worth it. I’ll just eat take out forever and never learn how to cook, thank you Very much. But when i went to visit my sweet family they surprised me and brought me it :’) when I was putting everything together I realized since I decided I wanted to go and buy lots of random stuff at Marshall’s as per usual I couldn’t fit everything in the bag I brought I found a random big paper bag and stuff all my extra stuff in there in including my beloved teriyaki sauce. And my family was like it’s gonna break, it’s gonna break and I was like nah it seems sturdy and whatever. So I got on the bus and got to port authority and walked to the Q train and got off at my stop and then as soon as I walked out of the station boom I heard something shatter and then teriyaki sauce was all over the side walk. My clothes and random Marshall’s purchases were now spilling out of the completely ruptured paper bag and I was like oh my fucking god. I could hear my family’s i told you so’s in my head. Thankfully I had also stuffed a sparkling water in that bag and so I spilled it over the gooey sauce now seeping of the sidewalk. I looked like a total mess – picking up glass and gathering clothes in my arms. But I finally stuffed all the stuff that was in the bag in my arms and the other cloth bags and left my dignity there with the sauce and walked the five blocks home.

stupidest thing I did today

Today instead of wearing my boyfriends blue plaid pj pants under my black work jeans like would have been smart and cosy and kept me warm I wore those overworked pants. As soon as I got to work i bent down to pick up a napkin someone dropped and i heard a horrendous riip and I was like no noo it can’t be. But it was. There is now a very significant tear right below my right butt cheek and I am only 1 hr into my 12 hr shift. Pray for me!

stupidest thing I did today: #1

Today as soon as my eyes disgruntlely opened I made myself a promise: I will finish my Christmas shopping today.  And so I did.  My last stop was the Ulta on the Upper East Side to get my little sister two highlighters she wanted.  I got there, wished I was rich and could treat myself and got her the gifts and got on the subway.  I sat down and waited for the 5 and then I glanced at the countdown clock and realized 1) I was on the wrong level 2) the train would arrive in 1 minute.  So I ran frantically down the stairs and caught the train. Yay! …Except I had left the $70 Ulta bag on the upper level.  This was of course something I didn’t realize until I was almost in Brooklyn.  I got off the train and returned to the station I had left it at, hoping for a Christmas miracle. But there was obviously no way someone would not touch it and it was gone.  I then went back to Ulta and re bought the $70 gift.  And then I returned home to be poor, pouty and eat my 50 cent ramen noodles.  And yes I am still furious at my careless self and I am not on speaking terms with myself.