Quarantine Diaries: 1st full day

Hi! I saw one too many Instagram posts/tweets/blog posts about taking this time of social distancing to better yourself and do the things you always want to do but never have time to. So now I’ve made a commitment to myself to write a little annoying something about how I putter around my house every day I’m in self-quarantine.  Read at your own risk of me boring you to sleep.  Which might not be a bad idea cause if you see this you probably have time for a nap.

As someone who has three jobs extended time home has always been a dream and a fantasy for me.  When I’m walking up the hill to my train stop carrying a heavy bag of cleaning supplies before the sun rises I have often fantasized about what it would feel like to go to sleep and not set an alarm for the next day.  I’ve daydreamed about drinking an indulgent, carefully made coffee on my porch of the first home I’ve ever had my name on the lease to and leisurely typing out a blog post.  I never thought I would have this empty time to do all those aspirational things.  All those daydreams seem like hobbies that belong to a different, imaginary version of me.  A me who is more carefree and less haggard.

So looking at this free time and what I should do with it is kind of overwhelming. And also feels like a blessing.  It’s a horrible time for the world and my city and comes with a full list of new and unique anxieties and problems.  And what is the easiest ways to ignore your worries and problems with a worldwide pandemic? Why drinking of course!!  But I waited until lunch to start on that :))

My day:
Morning: I woke up to a text from the client whose house I was supposed to clean this morning saying that she just heard from her building that they are not allowing nonessential people into the building. At that moment this was a lovely text to receive, I’m not a morning person and I got to roll over and go back to bed.  This text would come back to haunt me for the rest of the day with the realization that I am now out of work and that it no longer possible for me to leave the house to go clean apts.

I then work up for real this time to my roommate running into my room because she had seen a mouse as she went to make her coffee.  We were angry to now have a third roommate who was not contributing any rent money and terrorizing our kitchen and terrorizing us before we have had our coffee. The disrespect.  We name her Mama and imagine she’s a single mom and joke that she’s our little friend.  We joke about our 3rd roommate coming back from her home state to find out her roommates have replaced her with a little mouse who we’ve given her room. Quarantine does crazy things to the mind I tell you.

Lunch:

I broke my fast during lunch with a homemade bloody mary.  That was not my smartest life choice because three of the most prominent ingredients in my cocktail were 1) vodka 2) horseradish and 3) tabasco sauce.  I instantly got a stomach ache.

Then I made a beautiful egg sandwich (bread, eggs, sour cream, goat cheese, ketchup).

Then we played Jenga and I learned that if you are clumsy in real life that also applies to quarantined Jenga.  Then my roommate patiently taught me how to play gin rummy. By the time life asks me to play gin rummy again my brain will probably have forgotten but it was fun while it lasted.

Evening:

We watched Tiger King on Netflix which was (as promised by the people I saw tweeting about it on twitter) stranger than fiction. I re-learned that very strange people reside in Florida and never trust anyone who owns large dangerous exotic animals and thinks that they have a bond with them.  Also, this show is a strong case for gun control if I ever saw one.  The show is insanity with so many characters who seem made up for one show that is basically a documentary.  We were hooked.

Then I slinked off to my room to call my loved ones and bum around in my own little bubble.

 

 

Wrong bitch to hit with your cane :/

Y’all just finished cursing someone out. I stopped for one seconds for my asthmatic lungs to be ok and not think they’re dying after I walked out of the stairs of the subway. In this few second period of me huffing and puffing some crusty pervy looking 50 yr old man w a cane approached me and I couldn’t so I POLITELY said I’m sorry I have to catch my train and started to walk away and this man hit my ankle with his cane….. sheesh. I blacked on this man. I was just getting my breath back from the stairs (I’m the most ancient 22 yr old you ever did see) and used all that breath to unload on him. “You can not be hitting people with you mother fucking cane” and lots more heavily cursed words but I never remember what I said when I really curse someone out. For the first split second after he hit me he seemed to come forward and kept smiling a deranged smile and me but then I got louder and really committed to it and leaned all the way in in a way only anger management girls like me can and he didn’t get a word it and stopped moving.

I was having a really weird really hard really stressful day. I don’t know if my dads cancer is back or if he has diabetes and my employees keep trying to talk politics with me (which I think is really inappropriate) and I works 15 hours or something ridiculous (I’m too tired to do the math).

January Favorites

This is the year I do my favorites every month. Or so she says in the first year of the month :)) fingers crossed.  I hope that we are all still full of hope for this year.

Pozole: I am a Mexican and I have finally learned how to make Pozole and I feel so alive lol.  Now that I’ve completed this rite of passage I am pretty much living off of it this winter.

Cyc spin class: I tried SoulCycle and that shit was too corny for me and also way too much money. Though I did like that they had Drunken Elephant skincare products in the bathroom.  I like Cyc cause it’s about the music and they’re not judgy.  It’s “beat based” and the instructors are inspirational but not over the top.  Also they’re cheaper at $22 a class vs. SoulCycle’s thirty-something.

The dessert: I grew up in the mountains and love the beach.  My dad grew up in the dessert and it was so amazing experiencing it on our way into Mexicali. I love the stillness of it, the feeling of being alone (until immigration inevitably shows up).  I also really love the color scheme.

Rica juice: tastes like orange juice but better cause it’s a little unhealthy

Screenshot 2020-01-19 at 11.24.34 AM

Cheer on Netflix: It’s insanely impressive and I booked a workout for the next morning after the 1st episode.  It’s about the best cheerleaders in the USA (maybe the world?) leading up to the championship and it’s one of those shows that leaves you in awe of what humans can do.  It’s also beautifully shot and makes you fall in love with the people it’s about.

Screenshot 2020-02-01 at 12.19.02 AM

This is my favorite body lotion and has been for a while.  It smells like Jolly Ranches and absorbs quicker than any other lotion I’ve ever used.

This recipe: I switched out the miso paste for tables spoons of trader joe’s boxed miso soup.  And I couldn’t find Tamari sauce at my grocery store so we used thick soba sauce and my grocery failed once again in not having Brussel sprouts so we used broccoli.  Long story short it was delicious and amazing and tasted like something made in a restaurant and not by my incompetent hands.  The sauce was insanely good and we covered it in lime juice. It was a wow meal

 

Screenshot 2020-02-01 at 12.27.57 AM

Hanalei Lip Treatment in clear:  It feels really luxurious and makes your lips feel lush and protected.  This has been my go to during this season of dry and red skin and so far my lips haven’t been chapped.  My very favorite thing about it might be the smell which is sweet and comforting.

Dislikes:

Global warming: It so real and so apparent here in NYC.  We had basically no snow in December and it’s been raining.  I’ve worn sundresses in January.  It’s so strange and jarring and please let me know what I can do to help.

Duvets: more trouble than they’re worth. I’m a professional cleaner who has changed them and dealt with them a million times and I still hate them.  I just wash my comforter and its easier than washing the duvet cover and doing the whole ugly gymnastic routine to get it on the duvet.

i hate barre class

I’ve tried but I’m not yet the type of person who likes to workout.  In fact, last night after I got out of work at 8pm I trudged myself to an 8:30 pm barre class and hated it.  I realized that they have a policy that your shirt has to cover your midriff which was unfortunate for me as the workout outfit I had brought with me to change into consisted of leggings and a sports bra.  So I decided to wear my outfit for the day with my sports bra underneath which was a flowy romper.  I stuck out completely being the only one not in the obvious uniform of Lululemon and more Lululemon and wearing a full blown outift (not at all moisture wicking!!!).  I was also the fattest there which is always a trip because I’m not fat I’m just curvy.  And I was also the least white which was strange and unnerving.  It just wasn’t my scene and also I weak af and that shit burns.
I felt empowered at first when I walked in 1) cause I was proud of myself for going to work out after the long-ass and hard day I had just endured and 2) because I was surrounded by beautiful women and there was something so sentimental about all of us getting stronger together, all of our weighted arms in the air and then down.

But that didn’t last long because those classes hurt and make me feel so weak.  I am so out of shape and apparently, that was something I had in common with … exactly no one in the room.  Only ten minutes in I was already thinking snarky bitter things like “I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life but at least I’ve never spent $100 on leggings before.”  Also they are always saying “tuck, tuck” which from what I can tell is a tiny thrust and I feel like I’m always doing it wrong and then I see my self in the mirror, feel incredibly ungraceful and want to laugh and then try to turn the urge to laugh into an ab workout.

Another thing I don’t like about this barre classe (Pure Barre) is it feels very unprivate and a bit dated.  I like spin classes (I feel like “spin class” sounds so annoying and pretentious) because a lot of the time you can feel alone if you try.  The more alone I feel in a workout class the less I compare myself to others and the less my self esteem tanks. They have cool lights which makes everyone look cool or they turn off the lights completely which I love.  At Pure Barre the lights feel very fluorescent and are on the whole time until the end.  A lot of times you’re direct across from someone (whose looking very strong and capable which is the opposite of how I’m feeling).  When I think of the aesthetic of Pure Barre studio it’s very beige and I think it would be so much better with lights that would bath the room in color. But I guess that wouldn’t be very pure lol.

The 2nd strange man I’ve hit in the last month

5 minutes ago I was walking to the subway from work to go to my hot yoga class listening to my favorite podcast in Spanish Radio Ambulante when I noticed a strange man barreling towards me. The two hours I had between two jobs were supposed to be sacred at at least tranquil. The man was screaming and then he was screaming at me and I took out my headphones and he got in my space and shoved me. I said “get the fuck away from me” and he didn’t. He screamed “pussy, cunt” and then I stopped yelling and instead smiled condescendingly at his face and said “look at yourself” and put an arm in stop signal between us. Then I walked away, heart beat loud and knife buried way too deep in my bag.

In my periferal while this happened I noticed a few men stop in their tracks and watch to make sure I had it under control to watch to see I wouldn’t get hurt. I took care of it and myself as I like to and have to and do. I started to walk away and then noticed there was a cop standing there and I told him what had happened and he said that he had seen it and that’s why he’d walked out of the building he was in (the hospital). He didn’t do anything though but give me a slight attitude for telling him what he had apparently seen and decided to to nothing about. Now I’m on the subway and I think I’m gonna be late to my class.

The first guy who I hit was a guy who saw a girl about my age on her bike and he was in his walking path. Instead of being normal or regular and walking around her he kicked her bike down. She fell in the middle of the street in front of the container store and I hit him in the shoulder. I cursed at him and he cursed back and walked away. The girl was shaken like I am now. Nerve endings shaking and heart breathing a little bit off sync probably.

There’s really no moral or point to this except that men are dangerous and I have impulse control issues. All the danger I’ve ever been in has been because of a male adversary. I just hope we’re all careful and that we don’t run into the wrong person.

the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend