Grocery Store Tessa is back to the minimum wage hustle

Hi Internet Void!

I have had so many jobs in my 22 years that I feel like a barbie with different professions but without the cute outfits.  There’s nanny Tessa! pharmacy Tessa! and now grocery store Tessa!  I’m on the 2nd week of my job at a west village grocery store.  This means a lot of things but most importantly that I haven’t been paid yet.  It’s pretty easy because I’m a cashier and I’ve done this before.  The only big difference is that all the fruits and vegetables have a four number code that I have to memorize and that some of them have to be weighed and some of them are priced individually and I have to memorize what is what.

I also am getting used to wearing gloves and a mask for 8 hrs a day.  I have definitely found that my breath doesn’t smell which is a win.  And I’ve gotten a little smart with it in that I’m putting hand cream on before I clock in so that my hands can get softer and softer in the gloves as I work.  Also since the only part of my face that people can see is my eyes I’ve been having fun with my eye makeup.  I’ve been trying to wear fake eyelashes every day and colorful eyeshadow.  And under the mask, I’m wearing no makeup and sometimes pimple cream.  People compliment my make up and say it’s nice to see someone putting in effort during such hard times.  I want to tell them, all I am doing is putting in effort.  Me being here is putting in the effort, life to me seems like one big effort after another.

I’ve been feeling pretty depressed and down because so many people are dying and everyone is so stressed.  You can tell that everyone is feeling it.  Once again this city is full of death and you can see little shades of depression and sadness in everyone.  I know I’m feeling exhausted.  The act even of walking to the subway and getting on the bleak slow empty subway is a downer and takes so much longer than it usually would.  The trains are running every 30 mins so I leave the house two hours before work. Customers at work are snapping at each other for cutting in line or standing too close.  Customers are still walking into the grocery store without a mask even though that is now illegal.  We are telling customers to wear a mask and that same customer will show up non chalently the next day barefaced.  There are the overly cautious and the selfish and those who don’t think but it’s clearer than it’s ever been before.  Customers complain about being bored while I ring up their groceries and my knees ache from standing all day.  I’ve forgotten the cruelty of minimum wage jobs.  How you’re required to do so many things while getting paid the least they’re legally allowed to.  How the daily hours of 7am to 10pm haven’t been cut short even though people are suggested by the government to be home by 8am.  The cruelty of having to stand all day, of having just a 15 min break somedays and having to clock out and not get paid for it.  The having to wear the uniform every day and being given only one uniform shirt when almost guaranteed everyone who works there doesn’t have a washer or dryer.  The fact that there is no hazard pay, that there are still so many people who have to work even though to leave the house is to risk your life.

Quarantine Diaries: 1st full day

Hi! I saw one too many Instagram posts/tweets/blog posts about taking this time of social distancing to better yourself and do the things you always want to do but never have time to. So now I’ve made a commitment to myself to write a little annoying something about how I putter around my house every day I’m in self-quarantine.  Read at your own risk of me boring you to sleep.  Which might not be a bad idea cause if you see this you probably have time for a nap.

As someone who has three jobs extended time home has always been a dream and a fantasy for me.  When I’m walking up the hill to my train stop carrying a heavy bag of cleaning supplies before the sun rises I have often fantasized about what it would feel like to go to sleep and not set an alarm for the next day.  I’ve daydreamed about drinking an indulgent, carefully made coffee on my porch of the first home I’ve ever had my name on the lease to and leisurely typing out a blog post.  I never thought I would have this empty time to do all those aspirational things.  All those daydreams seem like hobbies that belong to a different, imaginary version of me.  A me who is more carefree and less haggard.

So looking at this free time and what I should do with it is kind of overwhelming. And also feels like a blessing.  It’s a horrible time for the world and my city and comes with a full list of new and unique anxieties and problems.  And what is the easiest ways to ignore your worries and problems with a worldwide pandemic? Why drinking of course!!  But I waited until lunch to start on that :))

My day:
Morning: I woke up to a text from the client whose house I was supposed to clean this morning saying that she just heard from her building that they are not allowing nonessential people into the building. At that moment this was a lovely text to receive, I’m not a morning person and I got to roll over and go back to bed.  This text would come back to haunt me for the rest of the day with the realization that I am now out of work and that it no longer possible for me to leave the house to go clean apts.

I then work up for real this time to my roommate running into my room because she had seen a mouse as she went to make her coffee.  We were angry to now have a third roommate who was not contributing any rent money and terrorizing our kitchen and terrorizing us before we have had our coffee. The disrespect.  We name her Mama and imagine she’s a single mom and joke that she’s our little friend.  We joke about our 3rd roommate coming back from her home state to find out her roommates have replaced her with a little mouse who we’ve given her room. Quarantine does crazy things to the mind I tell you.

Lunch:

I broke my fast during lunch with a homemade bloody mary.  That was not my smartest life choice because three of the most prominent ingredients in my cocktail were 1) vodka 2) horseradish and 3) tabasco sauce.  I instantly got a stomach ache.

Then I made a beautiful egg sandwich (bread, eggs, sour cream, goat cheese, ketchup).

Then we played Jenga and I learned that if you are clumsy in real life that also applies to quarantined Jenga.  Then my roommate patiently taught me how to play gin rummy. By the time life asks me to play gin rummy again my brain will probably have forgotten but it was fun while it lasted.

Evening:

We watched Tiger King on Netflix which was (as promised by the people I saw tweeting about it on twitter) stranger than fiction. I re-learned that very strange people reside in Florida and never trust anyone who owns large dangerous exotic animals and thinks that they have a bond with them.  Also, this show is a strong case for gun control if I ever saw one.  The show is insanity with so many characters who seem made up for one show that is basically a documentary.  We were hooked.

Then I slinked off to my room to call my loved ones and bum around in my own little bubble.

 

 

Knives Out Review

I saw knives out and loved it even though that shit was triggering and I was considering walking out in the begining. For a big part of the movie it seems like they’re portraying immigrants as careless fuck ups who is to blame for everything. I think is a really careless thing to do at the moment especially in a movie that seems to be self aware of the American political moment. Please be warned that this is quite a bit more than a clue murder mystery. It’s politically charged and as a Mexican American it got to me. A lot of it is about the political climate and charged conversations what are happening between white families at gatherings.
The cast is fabulous and it’s amazingly acted. I never knew where it was going but also I never am able to guess who did it in mysteries. All my favorite movies have shots that I’ll never forget and that I think of when I think back on the movie and that I can see like I’m gonna watching it again. This movie has moments like that that I’ll not soon forget for example the close up on Marta’s face when the will is read, and of course of course the iconic last shot.  The end was my favorite part and made me feel fully entertained and full of hope.
My only critique of the movie is that once again Hollywood could and should have casted a person of color and didn’t.  The lead is white passing and I think the character if it was a real story happening in the real world would have been a brown woman but Hollywood wouldn’t do it. The movie was so fresh and bold in so many ways and yet STILL they couldn’t cast a person of color for the lead. Once again Hollywood like telenovelas casts Latina’s who look more like me and who look more European.  It’s sick and disappointing that in almost 2020 it’s still considered bold to cast a brown person as the lead.

i hate barre class

I’ve tried but I’m not yet the type of person who likes to workout.  In fact, last night after I got out of work at 8pm I trudged myself to an 8:30 pm barre class and hated it.  I realized that they have a policy that your shirt has to cover your midriff which was unfortunate for me as the workout outfit I had brought with me to change into consisted of leggings and a sports bra.  So I decided to wear my outfit for the day with my sports bra underneath which was a flowy romper.  I stuck out completely being the only one not in the obvious uniform of Lululemon and more Lululemon and wearing a full blown outift (not at all moisture wicking!!!).  I was also the fattest there which is always a trip because I’m not fat I’m just curvy.  And I was also the least white which was strange and unnerving.  It just wasn’t my scene and also I weak af and that shit burns.
I felt empowered at first when I walked in 1) cause I was proud of myself for going to work out after the long-ass and hard day I had just endured and 2) because I was surrounded by beautiful women and there was something so sentimental about all of us getting stronger together, all of our weighted arms in the air and then down.

But that didn’t last long because those classes hurt and make me feel so weak.  I am so out of shape and apparently, that was something I had in common with … exactly no one in the room.  Only ten minutes in I was already thinking snarky bitter things like “I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life but at least I’ve never spent $100 on leggings before.”  Also they are always saying “tuck, tuck” which from what I can tell is a tiny thrust and I feel like I’m always doing it wrong and then I see my self in the mirror, feel incredibly ungraceful and want to laugh and then try to turn the urge to laugh into an ab workout.

Another thing I don’t like about this barre classe (Pure Barre) is it feels very unprivate and a bit dated.  I like spin classes (I feel like “spin class” sounds so annoying and pretentious) because a lot of the time you can feel alone if you try.  The more alone I feel in a workout class the less I compare myself to others and the less my self esteem tanks. They have cool lights which makes everyone look cool or they turn off the lights completely which I love.  At Pure Barre the lights feel very fluorescent and are on the whole time until the end.  A lot of times you’re direct across from someone (whose looking very strong and capable which is the opposite of how I’m feeling).  When I think of the aesthetic of Pure Barre studio it’s very beige and I think it would be so much better with lights that would bath the room in color. But I guess that wouldn’t be very pure lol.

the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

ups and downs

I started this year with a negative $20 in my bank account and cried on the subway on my way to work.  This morning I had the worst panic attack of my life

But now I’m surrounded by my best friends in my sweet home waiting for my boyfriend to come home from work and feeling hopeful again.

I am so vulnerable and life is so hard and so much.  But it is always always worth it.

hi! talking about roommates & still not being able to cook

My roommate does not like coffee or pumpkin spice.  She walked in and I felt very bad cause she noticed the house smelled like pumpkin spice (actually it was salted caramel pumpkin but whatever) and we were brewing coffee which she absolutely detests.

I believe you really really need to sincerely and deeply love and adore the people you live with because though it’s all good and nice to be on your best behavior and such a home is a home is a house is a sanctuary and it should be your safe place.  Where you are safe to be 100% yourself even if that’s or wearing your pastel fluffy PJ pants with your chargers sweatshirt or leaving the dishes in the sink for a min.  You shouldn’t have to be living with someone who’s gonna resent you for that or be annoyed or talk shit behind your back.  It should be someone who already knows you’re like that and understands that that is what they have agreed to live with.

That’s why I’m super happy I live with my novio,  because he has seen my any and every which way.  Next month we will have been officially together for 2 years and for most of the time of those years I’ve been at least a little bit bedraggled.  And I still am loved and adored.  (It’s super scary how much we as women attach how we look to our worth but that’s a topic for a whole other angrier blog post).

Also I really want to learn how to cook and it was one of my new year’s resolutions for this year which has been totally neglected.  I tried for like two seconds and then gave up completely and I don’t know how y’all do it.  If you do know how to cook could you tell me how old you were when you learned?  I truly rarely ever cook thanks to living in New York City and being able to order food off my phone at literally any time (a blessing and a curse).  I’ve been told going grocery shopping and cooking your own meals (clearly a foreign idea to me) is significantly cheaper and if so teach me your ways cause every time I tried I dropped crazy money in the grocery store.  Also if you have any impressive and fairly easy to do recipes you want to drop in the comments that would be amazing.  Or inexpensive meals.

Anywaays…Thank you!

i voted

I’m really glad I did too cause all my candidates lost … clearly they needed and I would have been really mad at myself if I didn’t come out. I forgot to re register my new address when i moved to Brooklyn so I had to go all the way to harem to vote which was actually very nostalgic for me cause the the last time I was in the neighborhood Obama was our president

Please vote if you can.

I think that especially now voting is extremely important.  It’s one of the only ways we can retain our power as American citizens when if feels like so much has happened with out our consent, that the face of our country has turned grotesque and monstrous.  While everyone who can vote hopefully votes, lets not shame the people who can not because they can’t afford to miss a day of work or are too sick etc.  Life is hard and you have to do what you have to do. Thus far in life I think that’s the closest thing I have to a motto.  Also the Ariana Grande song breathin in which the chorus is “just keep breathing and breathing, and breathing and breathing” that’s my other motto.  So far I’ve been lucky enough to only miss one election and that was because of work and that’s a reality for many more people than me.  I hope one day at least presidential elections will be a mandatory day off for everyone so we’re all on the same page and heading to the polls together.  Election day in NYC is tomorrow and I’ve been so busy that as of right now I am completely uneducated as to who’s running and who I am going to vote for.  Tonight after work I’m going to sit down with my laptop and research and figure it out.  I’m not going to vote unless I feel like I know what I’m doing and have made an educated decision.  Anyway I hope you can run out to the polls tomorrow New Yorkers and I also hope you are well rested.