Wrong bitch to hit with your cane :/

Y’all just finished cursing someone out. I stopped for one seconds for my asthmatic lungs to be ok and not think they’re dying after I walked out of the stairs of the subway. In this few second period of me huffing and puffing some crusty pervy looking 50 yr old man w a cane approached me and I couldn’t so I POLITELY said I’m sorry I have to catch my train and started to walk away and this man hit my ankle with his cane….. sheesh. I blacked on this man. I was just getting my breath back from the stairs (I’m the most ancient 22 yr old you ever did see) and used all that breath to unload on him. “You can not be hitting people with you mother fucking cane” and lots more heavily cursed words but I never remember what I said when I really curse someone out. For the first split second after he hit me he seemed to come forward and kept smiling a deranged smile and me but then I got louder and really committed to it and leaned all the way in in a way only anger management girls like me can and he didn’t get a word it and stopped moving.

I was having a really weird really hard really stressful day. I don’t know if my dads cancer is back or if he has diabetes and my employees keep trying to talk politics with me (which I think is really inappropriate) and I works 15 hours or something ridiculous (I’m too tired to do the math).

a day full of infuriation, exhaustion and also at least one good moment

Today has been a day.  My bra started cutting into me by the end and my leggings elastic was busted and I had to keep pulling them up all day.  Those things already had me wanting to scream.

I went to the eye doctor to hopefully have them fix the health issue that has been really bothering me for two years and I walked out of the Drs apt really optimistic that the end was in sight.  I have been literally crying (this is way beyond watery eyes) on and off for about 2 years now.  Lately, it is non stop which can so get in the way of life.  It’s gotten so bad my vision is usually really blurry from the water in my eyes and there’s no point in wearing makeup cause it streaks and drips off within an hour of application.  The Dr. was very professional, smart and treated me with respect (I’ve run into a lot of Dr’s who didn’t treat me with respect, unfortunately). She was also very young which made me jealous and had me feeling all types of ways.  I’m a college dropout (for financial reasons) so seeing people thriving and using those degrees makes me feel a little sad for myself (I really am such a petty selfish person lmao).  She asked if she could dilate my eyes and I said yes after being assured that 1) wouldn’t look crazy (“I work with kids”) and 2) that the blurriness would be over before.  As soon as it kicked in I couldn’t read words on my phone and everything close to me was to blurry to fully make out for 2hrs.  I looked crazy and my pupils were so huge (photo below) for half the day and the blurriness did linger longer than I would have liked.  I was worried that my boss would see and think that I was on some type of drug so I was lucky that I spent the first half of the day with just the kids.  They also took photos of the inside of my eyelids (she literally flipped my eyelids inside out and just thinking of the feeling makes me cringe).  She then asked me if I wanted to see said photos to which I politely declined.  They took some photos of the back of my eyelids with some bright lights and super expensive medical machines. She prescribed me two eye drops to take daily and I was on my way (to work).

I was happy thinking that the issue that had been making me want to scream for 2 years was now on its way to being fixed.  I had finally, finally stopped procrastinating it.  And I made plans to pick it up from my CVS after work.  Something off my to do list! Yay!

TURNS OUT, even though it was supposed to be covered by my insurance… it’s not.  And one of the eyedrops is $70 and the other is $40 ahahahaha.  I can not afford that right now.  I have too much credit card debt/toilet paper to buy/metro cards are expensive/we still have to eat.  So now tomorrow I have to call the doctors office ask if they have my correct insurance information and if so and they’re really not gonna cover it, ask if there are cheaper alternatives and look my to do list is growing.

Fast forward to the end of my day after the kids (quick recap: I’m a nanny to 4 kids) have been fed and showered and are all watching their pads before bed.  Cecelia was already in bed cause her bedtime is 15 mins before Charlie’s so hopefully she will be asleep before him and they won’t keep each other up. I walk around to check on the Charlie and Charlie had fallen asleep while watching his iPad.  He looked so peaceful and sweet so I immediately gave my self a pep talk about how I can get him into bed without waking him up (“you can do this, Tessa. Not only can you but you will cause you have to.”)  I picked him up and oh so gently and quietly carried him to bed.  He didn’t wake up and Cecelia was still awake so once I had gotten Charlie under the covers I turned to her and in my most serious and intense whisper I told her “Charlie is sleeping, don’t say a word.” Amazingly it worked and not a peep was heard from their room.  This was the best moment of my day.  My heart felt full and overflowing with love and I felt so deeply and truly blessed that this is my job (!!).  I really love these kids so much and I’ve only known them for a couple months.  It makes me so excited for when I have kids of my own and hope that I’ll be a good mother.  I know I won’t have a shortage of love for them.  I know that I’ll try my best to listen to them and to make sure they have everything they need.

Look how creepy I looked 😦

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This is my no I’m not an asshole wearing sunglasses inside my dr told me I have to cause my dilated pupils are really sensitive to light right now look.IMG_2073

humans are human

I wish that we were more willing to accept and be open about being flawed.  I wish we were just more honest and willing to own our mistakes and also that we make them all the time.  I know I do everyday and I’m really flawed.  I get angry out of nowhere and I have trouble ever forgiving anyone and I never forget any time any one has wronged me.  I hold on to my anger and have difficulty letting it go.  I don’t know how to be young and fun and I can’t not priotizing work because I’m so afraid of staying stagnant and being poor forever.  I feel if I don’t work crazy hard now I’ll be in my thirties and still unable to support myself comfortably.  And yet I’m working crazy hard and nothing is happening.  I’m bad at keeping in touch and sometimes I go months with out talking to people who really matter to me.  I’m a slob and I procrastinate everything even simple things like cleaning my own room and then I get home and the clutter in my room makes me unhappy.  I feel like life goes so fast and I’m struggling to find the space between moments filled with task, I’m really looking to find my breath and it seems like I will not be able to have sometime to be myself and enjoy life really until October and it’s getting to be too much for me.  My game plan until then is to do things after work (date nights, walks in the park etc.), and hydrate and commit to working out and try and not have my entire days being work and then sleep.  It’s hard to practice self care when you’re consistently in a place of true and deep exhaustion. But I’m going to put my effort into that which for me is spending time with the people I love, leaving the house for things besides work, my skin care routine and other things that are rewarding, fulfilling and calming.

sneak that self care in

I’ve been waking up so late lately (like waking up at the time I should be out the door for work) so I haven’t been able to have peaceful mornings. My fantasy morning involves cuddle with my novio, coffee (preferably from the deli and not made my me cause my coffee is horrible) a concha, some sunlight through the window, taking my vitamins, showering, putting on makeup while listening to the daily, do my skincare routine, editing my to do list google doc, listening to salsa etc. These things never all happen in one morning, sometimes I get one or two components in (if I take my vitamins and make my own coffee that’s enough for me). But lately I’ve been literally just finding an outfit brushing my teeth and running out the door like a hurricane. Lately it’s gotten to the point that I’ve been throwing my sunscreen and moisturizer into my bag and when I get to work sneaking into the bathroom and moisturizing like a weirdo. You gotta do what you gotta do to feel like a human being. Cause most of the time at work I don’t, I feel like a robot that does the same thing over and over again which I do and I sit in the same chair in front of the same chair for 9 hrs a day 6 days a week filling out the same form. The only reason I don’t hate the job is cause I get to listen to music and audiobooks and pod casts and the guy next to me also doesn’t like the job and wants to not be doing nothing with his time. Also it’s refreshing to not talk to anyone after a life in customer service (I’m forgetting how to fake smile!!). I like quiet and solitude but you know what I like more than that? Getting things done and feeling like I’m going somewhere in life. Here I feel like I’m wasting my time. It’s been a long train of jobs with varying degrees of soul sucking. I hope to one day find my soul job and also to only work one job.