Wrong bitch to hit with your cane :/

Y’all just finished cursing someone out. I stopped for one seconds for my asthmatic lungs to be ok and not think they’re dying after I walked out of the stairs of the subway. In this few second period of me huffing and puffing some crusty pervy looking 50 yr old man w a cane approached me and I couldn’t so I POLITELY said I’m sorry I have to catch my train and started to walk away and this man hit my ankle with his cane….. sheesh. I blacked on this man. I was just getting my breath back from the stairs (I’m the most ancient 22 yr old you ever did see) and used all that breath to unload on him. “You can not be hitting people with you mother fucking cane” and lots more heavily cursed words but I never remember what I said when I really curse someone out. For the first split second after he hit me he seemed to come forward and kept smiling a deranged smile and me but then I got louder and really committed to it and leaned all the way in in a way only anger management girls like me can and he didn’t get a word it and stopped moving.

I was having a really weird really hard really stressful day. I don’t know if my dads cancer is back or if he has diabetes and my employees keep trying to talk politics with me (which I think is really inappropriate) and I works 15 hours or something ridiculous (I’m too tired to do the math).

the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

🙁

I react so unhealthily to stress. It’s really physical and I feel it come over me. I end up scratching myself until I literally have bloody scratches or get hives. I also dig my fingers into my scalp. The messed up thing is usually when I’m doing it I don’t notice and I only notice later when I can see the little injuries. I don’t know when or how i let my life get so high stress but here I am and I don’t know how to cope.

twilight clouds

Some days are really hard. This day when I took this picture was. I was almost a week ago and I still feel so so tired from it. I really just want one day off to do nothing but watch tv and tinker with skin care. I’m so tired I feel sick. And I’m used to being tired, I only feel exhausted sick when everything area of my life is so exhausting. During this weekend I felt the best and the worst of emotions and I’ve been ravaged by emotion. Like I’ve been chained to the bottom of the ocean during a rain storm waves crashing around from all sides, on top and on bottom. I feel like that led zeppelin song when he says you shook me but not talking about sex or anything just life. It’s scary when there’s no haven even if it’s just for a moment everything felt broken and our of order and I felt really upside down and floaty. I can’t wait until I don’t have to always be working or always feeling guilty I’m not working. I feel pretty unsettled and unsure. Also these are my favorite types of clouds, the purple blue grey ones that can be any mood, that understand you and let you be low key and calm and let you silently hope for the best.

more than just a working girl… or not

I got home today around 10pm after working not one but two jobs (one boring office job and then some manual labor).  I feel very grateful to be employed but it gets to a point where especially on nights like this when I get home and Nick is sleeping, I feel like I’m missing out on so much of the good stuff in life.  I’ve been working at least 50 house weekly and its crazy to realize that’s more than two days of the 7 day week in which I’m not operating on free will.  These are hours in which my time does not belong to me, it belongs to my employer and I don’t do what I want to do. I do what has to be done next and I play games with time, hoping that if I don’t look at the clock time will speed up.  I felt so much guilt when I walked into our house to find the lights off and Nick sleeping.  I felt shitty cause I hadn’t seen him all day and he’d wanted to do something but my cleaning job ran long (it was the largest apt I’d ever been in in NYC).  I also felt robbed because the only thing I was looking forward to today, spending time with Nick was gone.  I so badly wanted to wake him up and as I write this still do (it’s midnight) but that would be no bueno since he really needs his rest (also he looks like a peaceful greek god when he sleeps).  I still wanna wake him up though lol.

Tomorrow I leave straight from work to go upstate to work a wedding and I’ll be gone two nights which seems like a lot to me right now.  I love working weddings and I love cleaning but unfortunately, my wedding gigs are only paid internships at this point and my cleaning job is my side hoe of a job.  I love weddings cause you create something beautiful by working together with strangers and I love my cleaning gig cause it’s totally mine and I created it from nothing (even though at this point it’s barely more than nothing).  My maybe attainable dream is to be able to quit the soul-sucking job that is my 8-5 in which I sit in a very uncomfortable desk chair and file bankruptcy claims for 8 hours straight, looking at not one but two computers at all times.  Also my seat has just been moved from sitting next to a nice guy who hated this place too to sitting next to a man who literally started a fight cause another guy at our desk was yawning and he thought it was unprofessional (!).  I mean,… can you believe?! A supervisor had to be called and the yawning guy changed seats so now I’m sitting one empty chair from a crazy man who thinks yawning is unprofessional and now wants me to sit next to him (not in this lifetime).

The worst thing to do to your self when you hate your job yet are there all the time is to think about all the things you could be doing.  So course, this is the special brand of torture I inflict on myself.  I think about 1) all the dates I’m planning with Nick but may never get to go to cause I’m at the soul-sucking job 2) the poetry book I’ve been working on since middle school 3) panic out of nowhere that I’ve forgotten someone’s birthday 3) how dirty my room is and that when I get home I’m gonna be too tired (i.e lazy) to clean it and on and on it goes.  I have all these passions and projects that stay half started and not fully committed to for the longest time.  My heart lies in things I don’t have the time to give my full efforts to.

It really hurts that the love of my life and I fight about how much I work when I feel like I’m doing the bare minimum to feed myself and buy a metro card and not be homeless and then when I look at my bank account, it looks back at me wide-eyed as if to say “you think this amount is gonna stretch how far, keep dreaming sweetie.”  It’s crazy that I work so much it causes strain on relationships with my family and boyfriend and yet I don’t have savings and I am by all accounts broke.  It’s seems wrong to me that you can work 9 hours a day, 6 days a week and weekends and still be steadily scraping by.

On my lunch break I mindlessly scroll through Instagram.  Mine is full of travel bloggers and girls with brand collabs and money from something or other.  They’re more or less my age and they’re making money off a photo of them holding a protein shake.  I find it upsetting because it looks so easy what they’re doing and not time-consuming enough that they’re seemingly always on vacation.  I am stuck in a cycle of comparing myself to them, thinking toxic half thoughts like, “hmm, if I was blonde and with a booty would enough people like my thirst traps to get brands to want me to selfie up with their product and try to con my followers into using something that I got paid $100’s to pretend I use?”  I am constantly thinking of a way to get out of my cycle, working all the time to have enough and yet not having enough of the most precious thing; time with loved ones.  I am constantly working and then when I am not working I am straining to create a life outside of work that is a happy and healthy place.  I  wanna be someone who makes breakfast and puts a little aside for savings every month.  I want to be not struggling to juggle everything all the time.

the fridge broke and I’m screwed

I always get take out or deli food cause I’m lazy and I don’t know how to cook. But I’m trying to save money so Nick and I are trying to cook and go grocery shopping. We finally did and it was pretty triumphant. We were really proud and had been cooking (mostly different kinds of pasta cause that’s easy). But still. And then the fridge broke… it’s like a hot July day in there and less then 3 days after finally and successfully going grocery shopping all our groceries are rotten and the kitchen smells and $50 of my money was wasted. I’m so mad. And now we have to pay rent and hire some sort of fridge magician. I hate being an adult.

stupidest thing I did today

so i’m my favorite teriyaki sauce in the world is from Trader Joe’s but I don’t go to Trader Joe’s anymore cause I live in nyc and the lines are crazy and not worth it. I’ll just eat take out forever and never learn how to cook, thank you Very much. But when i went to visit my sweet family they surprised me and brought me it :’) when I was putting everything together I realized since I decided I wanted to go and buy lots of random stuff at Marshall’s as per usual I couldn’t fit everything in the bag I brought I found a random big paper bag and stuff all my extra stuff in there in including my beloved teriyaki sauce. And my family was like it’s gonna break, it’s gonna break and I was like nah it seems sturdy and whatever. So I got on the bus and got to port authority and walked to the Q train and got off at my stop and then as soon as I walked out of the station boom I heard something shatter and then teriyaki sauce was all over the side walk. My clothes and random Marshall’s purchases were now spilling out of the completely ruptured paper bag and I was like oh my fucking god. I could hear my family’s i told you so’s in my head. Thankfully I had also stuffed a sparkling water in that bag and so I spilled it over the gooey sauce now seeping of the sidewalk. I looked like a total mess – picking up glass and gathering clothes in my arms. But I finally stuffed all the stuff that was in the bag in my arms and the other cloth bags and left my dignity there with the sauce and walked the five blocks home.

stupidest thing I did today: #1

Today as soon as my eyes disgruntlely opened I made myself a promise: I will finish my Christmas shopping today.  And so I did.  My last stop was the Ulta on the Upper East Side to get my little sister two highlighters she wanted.  I got there, wished I was rich and could treat myself and got her the gifts and got on the subway.  I sat down and waited for the 5 and then I glanced at the countdown clock and realized 1) I was on the wrong level 2) the train would arrive in 1 minute.  So I ran frantically down the stairs and caught the train. Yay! …Except I had left the $70 Ulta bag on the upper level.  This was of course something I didn’t realize until I was almost in Brooklyn.  I got off the train and returned to the station I had left it at, hoping for a Christmas miracle. But there was obviously no way someone would not touch it and it was gone.  I then went back to Ulta and re bought the $70 gift.  And then I returned home to be poor, pouty and eat my 50 cent ramen noodles.  And yes I am still furious at my careless self and I am not on speaking terms with myself.