November Favorites

Trying this whole blogging thing once again because I am trying to come back to myself and come back to joy.  And I did find joy in the chronicling of my life that is blogging.  One of the parts I missed the most was at the end of the month deciding what were my favorite things.  I’m hoping to do all 12 months of 2020 so we shall see.

1. Table topics – I was just doing this with my best friend and she just said these were for people who don’t know how to hold a conversation. I disagree and I think they’re fun and I was doing them with my best friend and was finding out things I’ve never known and she’s someone who I spend so much time with.  I just bought it to keep it on my table. Here are some questions I like: what do you admire about your parents? and If you spend the weekend in any city which would you choose?

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2. False lashes – I have just discovered false lashes and I don’t think I ever will go back.  I love a full face of makeup and these make me feel like a glamorous woman and photo ready.  I also thought they were a lot harder to put on then they are.

Here are my favorite ones, the ones above (they are super cheap): false mink and cat eye

3. My adorable patio set – Just in time for it to get freezing outside I finally bought my cute little patio set and it looks just as sweet as I thought it would.  Also there was no set up at all which is good cause furniture set up and I don’t mesh.

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4. This nail polish 

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5. Persimmons – It’s persimmon season, baby!

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6. Sitting like this in the morning – it makes me feel awake and hopefully does something good for you?

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7.  The Balance app – It takes your birthday and birthtime and gives you a daily paragraph relating to your life. It seems really spot on and gives good advice every day.  I feel like it’s pretty insightful and always gives me something new to pay attention to in myself/to work on. And it’s free so worth a shot lol.

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8. NYT Cooking – I did thanksgiving this year as in planned it and cooked almost all of it and it wouldn’t have been possible without this app and website.  All my recipes were from there and most of them were simpler than I imagined.  They also had a whole list or recpies for vegan thanksgiving which was helpful as I never cooked vegan food before and half of our dinner guests were vegan.

This is what I made.

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9. Phone wallet – I started stupid and had one of those that was just little pocket and lost my debit card cause it fell out right before I had to leave town (do not reccomend).  And then after that I bought the linked one which was such a game changer for me.  The little flap makes it feel like a real secure wallet that you can close and it’s easier to leave the house with just phone/wallet and keys than keys, wallet and phone.  And it’s easier to not lose one thing than to not lose two.

10. Space heater – This is a contender for the best $20 I’ve ever spent cause it really saves my life once a week when my heats being wonky.  I don’t have a large room at all but it heats the whole thing up really quickly and it’s really small.  I have vents that come up from the basement so cold air always tires to sneak in and I also have a window right by where my head rests and a door to the backyrard in my room so my room is really prone to be freezing anytime.  This heater fixes that in less than 5 mins.

 

i hate barre class

I’ve tried but I’m not yet the type of person who likes to workout.  In fact, last night after I got out of work at 8pm I trudged myself to an 8:30 pm barre class and hated it.  I realized that they have a policy that your shirt has to cover your midriff which was unfortunate for me as the workout outfit I had brought with me to change into consisted of leggings and a sports bra.  So I decided to wear my outfit for the day with my sports bra underneath which was a flowy romper.  I stuck out completely being the only one not in the obvious uniform of Lululemon and more Lululemon and wearing a full blown outift (not at all moisture wicking!!!).  I was also the fattest there which is always a trip because I’m not fat I’m just curvy.  And I was also the least white which was strange and unnerving.  It just wasn’t my scene and also I weak af and that shit burns.
I felt empowered at first when I walked in 1) cause I was proud of myself for going to work out after the long-ass and hard day I had just endured and 2) because I was surrounded by beautiful women and there was something so sentimental about all of us getting stronger together, all of our weighted arms in the air and then down.

But that didn’t last long because those classes hurt and make me feel so weak.  I am so out of shape and apparently, that was something I had in common with … exactly no one in the room.  Only ten minutes in I was already thinking snarky bitter things like “I’ve done a lot of stupid things in my life but at least I’ve never spent $100 on leggings before.”  Also they are always saying “tuck, tuck” which from what I can tell is a tiny thrust and I feel like I’m always doing it wrong and then I see my self in the mirror, feel incredibly ungraceful and want to laugh and then try to turn the urge to laugh into an ab workout.

Another thing I don’t like about this barre classe (Pure Barre) is it feels very unprivate and a bit dated.  I like spin classes (I feel like “spin class” sounds so annoying and pretentious) because a lot of the time you can feel alone if you try.  The more alone I feel in a workout class the less I compare myself to others and the less my self esteem tanks. They have cool lights which makes everyone look cool or they turn off the lights completely which I love.  At Pure Barre the lights feel very fluorescent and are on the whole time until the end.  A lot of times you’re direct across from someone (whose looking very strong and capable which is the opposite of how I’m feeling).  When I think of the aesthetic of Pure Barre studio it’s very beige and I think it would be so much better with lights that would bath the room in color. But I guess that wouldn’t be very pure lol.

the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

exciting or stressful?

Hi internet void,

I hope you’re doing well if anyone reads this.  I really love writing on here cause it’s an outlet for self-expression and lately I’ve been feeling numb and uninspired.  So I’m gonna try and come back, even to just practice noticing how I’m feeling.

The main reason I haven’t been being consistent on here is cause I decided (impulsively) to start a business.  It’s called Cleaning con Flores and it’s a small cleaning business.  Right now it’s just me and my best friend.  There’s always something to be done for it (or things that I’m behind on doing) and it’s so much to even just make it legally a business with my city.  It’s all worth it though cause it’s my own and my idea and I will never run out of energy to throw behind it.

More than anything it’s bought me great pride and great stress.  I am proud of it because I had an idea and didn’t let it go and decided to make it a real thing.  The idea was super simple what if I cleaned houses but gave a bit more than that?  We bring flowers to each cleaning and offer a survey which allows clients to communicate their exact desires of what they’re looking for.

Since I’ve last written on here I’ve filed for the company to be a limited liability corporation, hired a business lawyer, learned that I should have become a lawyer as mine is an inexpensive lawyer and she makes $275 an hour (!!), had a logo made, made an Instagram for the company, made a facebook page and website for the websites, had business cards made, gotten a direct deposit system up and running, etc. etc. etc.

I have three jobs and I do not recommend it (to anyone ever) and also somehow have $80 in my bank account.  Since I’ve last written I’ve also gone through a really hard break up (still going through it), taken up working out, become addicted to Starbucks (dolce cinnamon lattes and hazelnut lattes are it for me) and blew through my savings cause I someone rammed into my lyft driver and I went to the hospital to see if I had a concussion.  I was in and out of the ER in literally 30 mins and was spoken to by a condescending doctor for 5 mins max who told me I had a slight concussion.  I paid a $100 co-pay for all that (wasn’t even given an Asprin) and walked out thinking that was the last of it. Yesterday I got a bill saying that my parent’s insurance didn’t recognize me and I owe them $1,065.  I have to pay the lawyer $800 so make my business filed in my county (whatever that means) and my rent is about to go from $700 to $1,400 because my ex-boyfriend is moving out.  I am pretty weary and I don’t feel young at all.  I feel like I can not catch a break and when I do it’s so small in comparison to the amount of mess of me to clean up all around me.

It’s hard to practice self care when you can’t even find the time to be off the clock.  It’s hard to feel healthy when your own stress is working against your well being.  It’s hard to feel okay when you work so hard and that hustle isn’t reflected in your bank app.

Love and deep breaths,

Zelda

🙁

I react so unhealthily to stress. It’s really physical and I feel it come over me. I end up scratching myself until I literally have bloody scratches or get hives. I also dig my fingers into my scalp. The messed up thing is usually when I’m doing it I don’t notice and I only notice later when I can see the little injuries. I don’t know when or how i let my life get so high stress but here I am and I don’t know how to cope.

worth your $20: Bikini Edition

Listen, I’m a lazy fuck who forgets that birthdays are happening until they’re basically here and who doesn’t like to go shopping in actual stores cause it causes me duress and lots of stress so I get my bikinis from Amazon and hope for the best. I ordered two for my vacation to Martinique.  I love this one because it’s very vacationy and I love this shade of orange.  This top is very supportive and I love that the straps are adjustable. And high waisted bikinis are a lifestyle to me. This one is $16.99 and available for prime. The link is here.

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what it looks like on me (an unphotoshopped girl)

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The orange one was my favorite bikini I ordered.

This other one is very lovely as well, my only complaint is that after wearing it in the pool and the ocean for a few days the elastic in the top got a bit worn and it was looser on the top.  It was still really cute and made me feel like Brigitte Bardot in her white bikini.

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This bikini is my version of that with a little more coverage for my areas that need it lol.  The fabric is nice and thick. Here is the photo on the website. And this is the link.  It is $17.99 and available for prime.

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This is me in the bikini in real life on the beach 🙂

I hope that you have a vacation coming up soon and I hope you find a bikini that makes you feel gorgeous!