the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

1st day in Paris (+ self esteem issues!)

I’ve been to Paris before on a French Club trip where we got laughed at by all our french peers for trying to say some French words.  It was an unforgettable trip but mainly cause it was awkward and I was mostly friendless.  But also cause I saw Elton John and the Arctic Monkeys perform and ate really well.  Now I’m an assistant/wedding planner type thing and I still don’t know my place in the world or usually in the room but I’ve gotten myself to Paris and I’m getting paid for it so I guess that’s a win.

The wedding we’re working is much more than a wedding.  We are going to be in Paris for 6 days and there are 4 events (dinner parties mostly) and when we’re done here we go to level two, Antigua where we are going to do another 4 events.  It’s a lot and I’m very awkward and weirdly shy and nervous and I feel very incompetent.  I get really weird around people who are way way many millions richer than me and I almost forget how to be myself.  It’s not cute and I’ve tried to be more of a conversationalist and less down on myself during these work trips but I don’t think I’ve made any progress.  The ven diagram middle of things I have in common with these people is such a small sliver and I find it hard to talk to them.  I’m at least 10 years younger than everyone and I’ve didn’t go to college and this is not my career like it is theirs.  I’m trying to breathe and focus on the work at hand and try and make it out alive.  My boss is one of the most amazing and intelligent and capable people I’ve ever met so it’s really impressive to watch her work.  But for me and all my issues, this is a very stressful trip.  I hope to learn from her and be like her in my work life.

I think Paris is so beautiful (don’t we all) and it has this sort of airiness that New York doesn’t have.  Maybe my favorite thing about it here is that there are balconies everywhere and having a balcony has always been one of my dreams. There’s breathtaking architecture around every turn. This city clearly lends its self to dreams, especially dreams of grandeur.  It’s definitely expensive; the french onion soups we ate for lunch at a place that had a diner-y feel were 15 euro each and our cappuccinos were 8.  But in better weather, I would love nothing more than to wander around the city with my novio and have a picnic (i.e some bread, cheese and wine and us scattered on a blanket)

previously mentioned cappuccino & a very fancy hotel