the contemplation of idiocracy

Hi, internet void,

(should I change the name of my blog to hi internet void?) But I fucked up at work again and it really hit my self-esteem.  My mistakes at one of my jobs tend to be really stupid and it’s hard for me to feel smart and like a decent good enough person when I fuck up consistently at work.  I feel so worthless when I let my team down especially because my boss has always believed in me even though I feel as though I’ve given her so many reasons not too.  I always try to do better and I always fail sooner or later and then any self-love or self-esteem that I’ve been working up is completely eviscerated.

Today on the phone with my boss I choked up cause I felt so ashamed to be letting her down again.  I was explaining that the problem was, in fact, me and a mistake I had made and she basically told me to do better and not make stupid mistakes, that she doesn’t want people to think I’m stupid cause I’m not.  But honestly lately I’ve been feeling like I might be.  Which is a weird thing to contemplate because it’s not something you can ask your friends without them totally denying it (like if you ask them if your boyfriend’s ex is hotter than you), they’ll never answer you honestly.  So it’s really up to my stupid brain to decide whether I’m stupid or not (should that brain even be trusted? with important decisions?).  And then what if I decide that I am? Then what? Can you even come to terms with that?

I am the weak link at one of my jobs and I don’t know how to keep from making these stupid mistakes and I feel so horrible for making my team look bad and keep covering my ass.  Anyways that’s all for now… I have a team call in an hour and I am so dreading it.

Much love,

your idiotic suffering internet friend

and after laziness comes errands

Hello internet void,

My best friend came to visit on Monday and since she wakes up every day at approximately 2pm I made the unconscious decision to live that lifestyle while she was here… and I’m not mad at it.  I had this week off because my nanny family went on vacation to the Dominican Republic.  Our routine this week was to wake up a 2 ish and then make coffee and I’d eat my typical egg breakfast and I’d make Olivia egg breakfast which she’d peck at and then we’d make coffee again and then we’d talk and we left the house at least one day but we just sat and talked about our anxiety and stress about the future and indecisiveness and abusive ex-boyfriends and the fact that we pile our clothes all over our room and don’t know if we’ll ever stop.  We also watched the whole show the Umbrella Academy 1) because it’s very good and entertaining and 2) because Olivia is in love with Robert Sheehan.  One of the perks of having Olivia as a house guest is she cooks and very well.  One of my reoccurring high school memories is her making me delicious foods with goat cheese in it.  She made us pork chops with a delicious tangy tomato sauce and fried rice.  It was amazing and so full of flavor.  It’s especially impressive because she never uses a recipe, she just sees what ingredients she has to work with and turns it into something delectable and makes it look easy.  Anyways… it was so good to catch up with my bestfriend and have her here and I got more than 6 hours of sleep and a real home made meal for the first time in weeks.  But I was falling behind on my work and today when I woke up I realized I had to play catch up and hard.

I have been going through the task rabbit application process for a little more than a month (more than a month because I kept procrastination watching the how to videos) but as of yesterday I had been verified and my account was up and running.  I had finally gotten approved and promptly forgot about it until I got a job for today.  Which is so awesome.  I’ve been on a few apps with my tiny business Cleaning con Flores but some I had literally never gotten business from and one (Romio) I’d gotten business from but very few and very far between as it is a newer less established app.  I’m pretty happy with task rabbit because so far I have been asked to do three tasks and completed one job today and I have on schedule for tomorrow (the other one was canceled by the client).  I’m really impressed and excited about it so far.

My next errand was to pick up my to do list book from the public library in the West Village.  The West Village is where I work for nannying so I am always at that library with the 3 year old.  I always bring my to do list pad because it has rippable paper and drawing in that book under the right circumstances can be a big hit with my charge.  Unfortunately for me I also write poetry in the book which gave me lots of stress when I left it there cause I really don’t want the librarians who see me 4 times a week with my three year old to read my bad poetry.  Somehow I took deep breaths told my self that they didn’t look in my book and just hope that they didn’t read my lame poetry.  So weird. I called ahead to make sure they had it and then I waited a week to pick it up cause I was busy being lazy and binging Netflix with Olivia for the majority of the week. Priorities.

My third get back in the working girl game thing I had to do was go to this bar that we’re interested in having a wedding after party in and talk to the manager.  We had no meeting set up or anything, it was just time to show up in person cause they hadn’t responded to any of my calls or emails.  My boss is the best most thoughtful boss in the world so when I told her that I was headed to the taco bar she venmoed me $30 for a margarita cause apparently it’s national margarita day.  What I did to deserve her …. I will never know.

The last and of course what ended up being the most problematic thing was something that sounds so simple; picking up a prepaid computer.  My computer broke a few weeks ago and since one of my jobs is a work from the computer job I had to buy a new one the same day the old one broke.  My parents very very kindly bought me a new one   I literally bought the same one again, just the newer model and they send off the old one saying that the geek squad will try to fix it and it would be covered in the warranty if it could be fixed.  I said great, if it can be fixed please send it to some Best Buy in the lower half of Manhattan.  At this point, it all still seems so simple.  I got the email saying it was repaired and ready to be picked up.  Great.  I clicked track on the email to see where it was dropped off to see which Best Buy it was shipped to and it just said New York, NY.  So I called the number on the email and asked which Best Buy it was shipped to.  And got put on hold and got put on hold and got put on another hold.  Then after like 20 mins of waiting the woman said that it had been shipped to the Best Buy on Colombus Circle. I said that’s strange cause I specifically asked for it to get shipped to a best buy on the lower end of Manhattan and I asked if she could please check again.  She did and still the same address. So I hopped out of the Sephora I had been browsing in (actually not just browsing, I got another Stila glitter and glow eyeshadow in the beautiful color Spiritual) and hopped on the subway to head to the Best Buy.

Once I arrived there I was told that it wasn’t there and that it was in a Best Buy in NoHo.  At this point, I had been on the subway four times that very day and I was carrying a backpack with lots of cleaning supplies and I was over it.  The very kind and patient Best Buy associate told me after he looked again that it was definitely not there and he called the NoHo store who confirmed that yes it was there waiting for me just one more subway ride (and two transfers) away.  I had less than an hour to get there and through my exhaustion, I saw the light at the end of the tunnel.  That light was the margaritas that Nick would make me when I got home.  So I dragged my feet to the subway and arrived at the NoHo store where a very kind and knowing woman helped me (“I just got off the phone with your Mom, she said.  “She told me you were on your way.”) We talked about our random non NYC home towns and she got me out of there very quickly.

After that I went to a Whole Foods (i wanted to go to a non bougie grocery store but this is NoHo after all) got some Margarita supplies and headed home.  to the light.

The thing’s I’m bringing with me: 2019 Edition

The main energy I’m going to try to bring into 2019 is trying to be happy, trying to be healthy and trying to move in the direction of my goals.

Coming with me into 2019: 

Wearing less heels:  I barely wore heels this year because it was really so painful and it just didn’t feel that necessary.  I’m a nanny and it would be ridiculous to wear heels to work when a lot of my job is pushing a stroller.  I want to feel cute and confident without having to be in physical pain and a lot of the (admittedly cheap) heels I had really really hurt me.  For me it’s not worth it.

Doing my own nails: Getting your nails done professionally is nice and all but I really hate the part where they file my nails (that feeling to me is like nails on a chalkboard) and I really don’t have the money to spend so often when they chip the next day and I get upset and guilt trip myself about spending the money.  And I really don’t blame the nail salon, it’s really that I wash dishes every day and I am a nanny so my hands are very much working hands.

Being a nanny:  Yes it’s true $20 an hour is the most I’ve ever been paid and I love having more money than before (this also comes with being more financially irresponsible than before 😦 but I also love the kids and it has it’s fufilling and sweet moments thought it’s also crazy exhausting helping raise four kids. And there’s a lot of tantrums.  It’s the best job I’ve ever had. Even though one of the 9-year-old girls said to me the other day “you wear too much makeup” when I was just wearing mascara and blush (?!?!) and when the 2-year-old is in a bad mood she will whine “I don’t want you here.”

Dying my hair red: I am killing my hair but oh well cause I’ve been to professionals as well and they kill my hair too but just for $100 and I can kill it for $12.  I really love being a redhead so this is the price I pay.

Lotioning after a shower: Any self-care that can easily be incorporated into everyday life and make me feel low key luxurious is a yes for me.

Leaving in 2019:

Buying cheap rings:  I really love the look where you have lots of rings on your fingers and I always have.  I especially love fake diamonds and I have been buying all sorts of fake diamond rings since middle school and it’s been a look… for better and for worse.  I buy them mainly from costume jewelry stores, Chinatown and the internet (the wish app) and those they are beautiful and sparkly for a while in a matter of weeks the stones either fall off or they lose their sparkle completely and start showing their true colors (cheap & plastic).  It’s fun but it’s such a waste of money and I am going to start investing in semi-decent (poor person version of semi-precious) quality rings.  I deserve it.

Working a whole month with no days off:  This is a hard pass.  I’ve done it multiple months this year and wow I feel it’s pain now.  It was just horrible and I barely had time to breathe.  Most of my text posts are rants about how my mental health is deteriorating because of my exhaustion.  With working a whole year straight I have learned this lesson: just because you can do something doesn’t mean you should. It’s hard though becuase I don’t want to choose money over peace of mind but the problem is that sometimes money is peace of mind.

Christmas shopping in December: Nah, never again.  I’m going to be adult adult and shop all year long and mostly online cause real-life shopping is stressful (mostly because of the music they play tbh).  I want all my Christmas shopping to be completed by October and all the gifts wrapped by the end of November so I don’t have to go bankrupt in December. Here’s hoping.

Buying lunch out instead of bringing it to work: I’m really pissed that I did this when I know how to make spaghetti and sandwiches like everyone else.  I feel like this is where all my money went.

1st day in Paris (+ self esteem issues!)

I’ve been to Paris before on a French Club trip where we got laughed at by all our french peers for trying to say some French words.  It was an unforgettable trip but mainly cause it was awkward and I was mostly friendless.  But also cause I saw Elton John and the Arctic Monkeys perform and ate really well.  Now I’m an assistant/wedding planner type thing and I still don’t know my place in the world or usually in the room but I’ve gotten myself to Paris and I’m getting paid for it so I guess that’s a win.

The wedding we’re working is much more than a wedding.  We are going to be in Paris for 6 days and there are 4 events (dinner parties mostly) and when we’re done here we go to level two, Antigua where we are going to do another 4 events.  It’s a lot and I’m very awkward and weirdly shy and nervous and I feel very incompetent.  I get really weird around people who are way way many millions richer than me and I almost forget how to be myself.  It’s not cute and I’ve tried to be more of a conversationalist and less down on myself during these work trips but I don’t think I’ve made any progress.  The ven diagram middle of things I have in common with these people is such a small sliver and I find it hard to talk to them.  I’m at least 10 years younger than everyone and I’ve didn’t go to college and this is not my career like it is theirs.  I’m trying to breathe and focus on the work at hand and try and make it out alive.  My boss is one of the most amazing and intelligent and capable people I’ve ever met so it’s really impressive to watch her work.  But for me and all my issues, this is a very stressful trip.  I hope to learn from her and be like her in my work life.

I think Paris is so beautiful (don’t we all) and it has this sort of airiness that New York doesn’t have.  Maybe my favorite thing about it here is that there are balconies everywhere and having a balcony has always been one of my dreams. There’s breathtaking architecture around every turn. This city clearly lends its self to dreams, especially dreams of grandeur.  It’s definitely expensive; the french onion soups we ate for lunch at a place that had a diner-y feel were 15 euro each and our cappuccinos were 8.  But in better weather, I would love nothing more than to wander around the city with my novio and have a picnic (i.e some bread, cheese and wine and us scattered on a blanket)

previously mentioned cappuccino & a very fancy hotel

a day full of infuriation, exhaustion and also at least one good moment

Today has been a day.  My bra started cutting into me by the end and my leggings elastic was busted and I had to keep pulling them up all day.  Those things already had me wanting to scream.

I went to the eye doctor to hopefully have them fix the health issue that has been really bothering me for two years and I walked out of the Drs apt really optimistic that the end was in sight.  I have been literally crying (this is way beyond watery eyes) on and off for about 2 years now.  Lately, it is non stop which can so get in the way of life.  It’s gotten so bad my vision is usually really blurry from the water in my eyes and there’s no point in wearing makeup cause it streaks and drips off within an hour of application.  The Dr. was very professional, smart and treated me with respect (I’ve run into a lot of Dr’s who didn’t treat me with respect, unfortunately). She was also very young which made me jealous and had me feeling all types of ways.  I’m a college dropout (for financial reasons) so seeing people thriving and using those degrees makes me feel a little sad for myself (I really am such a petty selfish person lmao).  She asked if she could dilate my eyes and I said yes after being assured that 1) wouldn’t look crazy (“I work with kids”) and 2) that the blurriness would be over before.  As soon as it kicked in I couldn’t read words on my phone and everything close to me was to blurry to fully make out for 2hrs.  I looked crazy and my pupils were so huge (photo below) for half the day and the blurriness did linger longer than I would have liked.  I was worried that my boss would see and think that I was on some type of drug so I was lucky that I spent the first half of the day with just the kids.  They also took photos of the inside of my eyelids (she literally flipped my eyelids inside out and just thinking of the feeling makes me cringe).  She then asked me if I wanted to see said photos to which I politely declined.  They took some photos of the back of my eyelids with some bright lights and super expensive medical machines. She prescribed me two eye drops to take daily and I was on my way (to work).

I was happy thinking that the issue that had been making me want to scream for 2 years was now on its way to being fixed.  I had finally, finally stopped procrastinating it.  And I made plans to pick it up from my CVS after work.  Something off my to do list! Yay!

TURNS OUT, even though it was supposed to be covered by my insurance… it’s not.  And one of the eyedrops is $70 and the other is $40 ahahahaha.  I can not afford that right now.  I have too much credit card debt/toilet paper to buy/metro cards are expensive/we still have to eat.  So now tomorrow I have to call the doctors office ask if they have my correct insurance information and if so and they’re really not gonna cover it, ask if there are cheaper alternatives and look my to do list is growing.

Fast forward to the end of my day after the kids (quick recap: I’m a nanny to 4 kids) have been fed and showered and are all watching their pads before bed.  Cecelia was already in bed cause her bedtime is 15 mins before Charlie’s so hopefully she will be asleep before him and they won’t keep each other up. I walk around to check on the Charlie and Charlie had fallen asleep while watching his iPad.  He looked so peaceful and sweet so I immediately gave my self a pep talk about how I can get him into bed without waking him up (“you can do this, Tessa. Not only can you but you will cause you have to.”)  I picked him up and oh so gently and quietly carried him to bed.  He didn’t wake up and Cecelia was still awake so once I had gotten Charlie under the covers I turned to her and in my most serious and intense whisper I told her “Charlie is sleeping, don’t say a word.” Amazingly it worked and not a peep was heard from their room.  This was the best moment of my day.  My heart felt full and overflowing with love and I felt so deeply and truly blessed that this is my job (!!).  I really love these kids so much and I’ve only known them for a couple months.  It makes me so excited for when I have kids of my own and hope that I’ll be a good mother.  I know I won’t have a shortage of love for them.  I know that I’ll try my best to listen to them and to make sure they have everything they need.

Look how creepy I looked 😦

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This is my no I’m not an asshole wearing sunglasses inside my dr told me I have to cause my dilated pupils are really sensitive to light right now look.IMG_2073

balance

It’s my favorite month of the year and I’m a 21-year-old who has already met the love of her life and I live on my own.  I have a really good life and I am really really lucky.  But it’s still really challenging.  I work full time and I have 2 very consuming internships and my side hustle all while still trying to be a writer.  I feel like I’m rushing through life and I’m sad I haven’t slow danced with my boyfriend in a while.  I want time to smell flowers and revel in my life with Nick.  I have so many dates planned but I don’t have the money or the free days to actually spend on them.  By the time I get home from my day job it’s 8pm and I’m exhausted and instead of cooking dinner or watching This is Us with Nick (all I want in this life right now) I have to go to the computer and answer emails or go do a project and start working on that and then when I finish with that I’m so often too tired to do anything else except set the alarm and rest.  It’s not a good quality of life for me or him.  And he feels like he’s losing me.

I’ve been prioritizing the wrongs things.  I’m very ambitious and I am very hard working and those have not been good things lately.  To me, my family, novio and friends are the most important aspects of my life… I just wish my weekly calendar would show that more.  I am not good at not working and I am not good at managing my time,  I feel so deeply and (pressingly, and stressfully) that if I don’t work my ass off now while I’m young I will be poor forever and have to work this hard forever and it will be this consuming.  I’m scared I’m gonna be stuck in an apartment without my name on the lease and in credit card debt forever.  I’m scared I’ll never accomplish my goals and I’ll never be successful enough to be able to even have children.  I am the most scared I have ever been.

But what I am most scared about isn’t that.  I’m most scared I’ll lose Nick who is everything to me.  He’s the person I can talk to about anything and reason I believe in love and magic and people having a love of their life (and all my others if reincarnation is real).  Next month I am leaving the country for a business trip for three weeks and it will be the first time Nick and I are apart for this long.  I really hope that it makes us stronger and doesn’t break us.  I really hope that I find balance before then even though it’s less than a month away and people don’t often fix all their problems and find life balance in a month.  Here’s to trying and praying! lots of trying and praying.

Also if anyone has any advice on how they found balance with work and social life or how to get their life together please feel free to let me know!! Thank you 🙂

Puppy Heartbreak

On Tuesdays Nick and I usually go to the movies and we’ve discovered that there’s a puppy shop on the way there. The first time we went Nick picked out which puppy we were gonna play with and it was a Brussels griff and it was an insane fluff of a thing. He was adorable but a ball of 100% unrefined pure energy and was trying to attach us and the buttons on Nick’s shirt and my shoe laces and everything in sight at the same time. We loved him but he was the craziest creature we’ve met lol.

This time I picked out the puppy, a tiny Pomeranian. I’ve wanted a Pomeranian since middle school when I started begging my parents (for years, and years literally until I moved out). I did not get a Pomeranian but one year at Christmas I got a battery operated barking chihuahua stuffed animals…🙃. Anyway since I’m not a rich person and my apt does not allow dogs and I have a full time job and I live in nyc I can not get a dog. My dream is to get two Pomeranians and name them Mimosa and Bellini (Mimi and Bella for short) and once that dream comes true I’ll know that I’ve made it.

Until then we’ll continue to go to the puppy store on our way to the movies on Tuesday’s. Even though this last time really hurt. We really fell in love with the Pomeranian we played with. She was so sweet and fun and cuddly and we both just loved her so much and considered grabbing her and making a real run for it.

One day we will have our pups and our life together … one day.